I opened the window to the upstairs group room. it had no screen. perfect. I was going to go sit on the roof. Just for a moment. It was early, again i was the first one there.
I opened the window wide enough to fit a 98 lb body through. I was half way through when i heard a shout.
“EMILY! what are you DOING!” It was Lisa.
I quickly climbed back in. I lied.
“I was out there for 30 minutes and you didn’t catch me” I told her. (LIE)
She assumed i was going to jump. all i wanted to do, was sit on the roof. I had no fun those days. I really didnt care what she thought.
She shut and locked the window. Yea, i cant turn the lock, no way out…. um.
I found my seat and started to cry. I felt bad for lying. I hate to lie.
She sat next to me.
“Are you having a rough day?” She asked me. I stared at her.
She sighed. I was difficult and i know it. I just hated being there SO much! She left me as other patients trickled in.
I tuned them out and had random thoughts. The day went by and group was over. I went home.
My childhood was normal for the most part. I didnt have a REAL diagnosis, besides anxiety until i was 16.
I was a happy child, lots of friends. I went out, I did good in school.
The thing is, i was in therapy since the age of 7.
If only put me on anxiety pills since that age, I could have prevented a lot of panic attacks.
Yep, i had panic attacks at the age of 7.
I started to hear voices around that time too. But it wasnt so noticeable because i never told anyone, thinking it was normal to hear voices…
I went through a divorce between Mom and Dad when i was a toddler. They both remarried other people.
Mom got a winner, Dad: not so much.
When i got diagnosed with schizophrenia, I thought my life was over. Actually i knew nothing about it, i thought it was going to kill me. I didnt know what a mental illness was!
But I tried a bunch of meds and got admitted into many many psych wards.
I was finally on the right meds!
Now I can live a normal life!
I sat in the waiting room at my therapists office. It was 10:01. My appointment was at 10:00. She was late. I started to panic
“She’s not going to come! She forgot about me! She was in a car accident!” I held my breath for 23 seconds while the second hand ticked on the clock.
I almost called Mom.
10:05 came. Still no therapist. I flapped my arms anxiously when the door opened. there she was!
“Come on in EMily”
I entered her office. I looked around making sure there was no camera.
“Is there a camera behind that mirror?” i asked her.
“Nope, just a mirror”
i believe her.
I sat down and our session begun. I tell her my long life story. I see she feels bad. I dont want her to feel bad for me.
I tell her how i get confused about whats real and whats not.
I tell her i have long deep, complicated conversations that never happened.
She said, thats normal!
I was surprised! That made me feel good.
I like being “typical” or “normal”
I slept for 6 hours last night which is a big improvement. Mom told me to put on my sound machine and it worked like a charm.
Today in therapy, I told Shelia some of my deepest secrets.
Now i am not so sure i should have. It might be awkward next time i see her, now that she knows the way i think.
Her flowers were talking to me. I tried to not show the fact that i was not just listening to her talk.
She asked me what i was hearing.
“HOW DO THEY ALWAYS KNOW!” therapists. They know what is going on with me no matter how hard i try to hide it.
Maybe they learned it in collage. I wish i had that skill!!
Today I had therapy at 11:00. I was very looking forward to it because I had a lot on my mind.
But when My step Dad turned the key in the car, it didnt start. The battery was dead.
So we had to call my therapist to reschedule
You dont know how hard it was for me. I am a little embarrassed because I started to cry.
I am sorry, i need to talk!
BUt Mom made me a new apt on Monday.
I am just worried my therapist is going to quit or retire on me. I dont wanna share my life story if she just leaves. Like my last 3 therapists.
I need to be able to rely on them.
I dont like seeing therapists and psychiatrists out of the office. I feel embarrassed seeing them in the real world. I mean, they know all my secrets and thoughts.
I get nervous that they go home after a session with me and tell their husband or wife about my issues.
Its weird. I always just never thought about the fact they are just people. Like me.
I feel like they are above me and know everything.
I cant picture them at the mall or movies…
IDK. But I saw my old therapist at the Hopistal, I avoided eye contract and hurried out of the room.
I am ashamed for having mental illnesses sometimes. I know there are So many people out there with mental illnesses, but I feel alone sometimes….
I have therapy tomorrow which is great, i have a LOT on my mind. She really is the best therapist EVER.
We decided I will see her weekly for a month then go to twice a month.
I have a notebook of what i want to talk about.
I take therapy seriously. I am there to better myself.
I feel safe with Sheila.