I had just thrown up my meal and caught. Lisa, staff at my therapy program, caught me throwing up after lunch. I was in the bathroom puking when she knocked.
“Emily let me in!” She shouted. I flushed and did.
“I am getting sick of this childish behavior” Lisa shouted. She took me by the arm and led me to the kids group. I was hearing voices that day. I Sat in the seat she put me. I covered my ears with my hands and shook my head back and forth.
“Stop it” I demanded to the voices. I punched my leg harder and harder. Lisa grabbed my hands and held me still.
“Stop” She said.
Peter was there. my favorite hallucination.
“Kick her” He said.
I tried but Lisa held my leg.
“Lemme go!!” I shouted.
That day after therapy, Dad picked me up. Lisa had a talk with him. She told him i was unstable so i had to be admitted into the in patient program, that night.
I was SO mad!
But i did and refused to eat to get back at them.
They said if i didnt eat, they would tube feed me.
I cant get a break..
I went to therapy today. The Elder Bus picked me up at home at 12:00. My apt was for 1:00.
we got there 30 minutes early
But MA wasnt on time and i panicked that she forgot me!!
I started to get anxious. My leg shaked and hands tingled. She finally came to get me at 1:15.
Then we didnt have a room reserved for our session. Finally we got it all squared away, we got a room and stared our session.
We talked about counting. I count so much. Its aggravating. I count to 23 at red lights, beginning of guard rails, commercials, dust particles… It wont stop.
We also talked about my fears of death. I have been taking my meds a little later then i used to so i could be really tired for bed. The point is to get tired before lying down, so i will sleep with out dreaming about death.
It works sometimes.
“Rinngggg!!!” The bell rung. Classes were in session. where was I? Hiding in the bathroom. i was having a hard day. In history class that day, i saw a note on my teacher’s desk saying to keep an eye on Emily J****.
Every teacher thought i was on drugs. same with my classmates. But, i wasnt. I really wasnt. I just had a lot going on in my brain. voices and hallucinations.
the best day of my life, was being pulled out of that school.
I was enrolled into a therapeutic school and had a fresh start. Nobody knew me, so i could get a better rep.
The first day of school was Valentines Day. I made friends right away. But i was still struggling.
In English, my 2nd class, we read the old man in the sea. That man was talking to me.! I told my teacher and she sent me to the onsite therapist.
I made a connection with the nurse at my new school. I Saw her daily. Whenever i heard voices, which was daily.
She would hold my hand and talk to me. She gave me candy. I knew she was watching me when i was in a psychotic state. I could feel it.
I used to be very paranoid as a teenager. I was scared of everything. When i attended out paintent therapy at Westwood Lodge, was the hardest point of my life.
I was dealing with voices and hallucinations. There was a crack in the baseboard and i was scared poisons gas fumes would come out of it. So, i stuffed it with tissues.
There was a bathroom that was locked since forever. I was first one in group and i KNOW i heard the sink on.
I was so scared it was haunted. So i told Lissa. She’s like “Emily its just your mind playing tricks”
I never proved it was haunted, but i know it was.
I feared there were camera’s behind the bathroom mirrors, so i refused to go to bathroom all day.
I was very fragile and did not fit in with the others in out patient therapy. So Lissa brought me to the little kids group. Ages 12 and under, i was 16.
She sat me in the corner with headphones on to cancel out the voices. let me tell you, it actually worked!
i was surprised!!
I had a GREAT therapy session today. MA and I talked about how i take my meds at the same times i did in the psych ward. She said, there is a frame of time i can take it. I usually take it at 8:00 pm. Even when i am not tired. Even on a Friday night!
MA wants me to start taking my meds when i feel actually tired. That way i wont be in bed thinking about death.
Its a good idea. I just cant be awake by the time my meds kick in, because thats when i start hallucinating.
I also have issues with time, I cant write my stories 3:00 pm or later each night. I cant. I am not sure why.
I love therapy. I have a full 45 minutes to talk about all my stresses.
when i was diagnosed with schizophrenia at the age of 16, i thought my life was over. I never heard the word “schizophrenia” before. Just hearing my psychiatrist say it, scared me!
I worried. I feared my life had been changed forever. I was put on medication to help with my mental illness. Since i wasn’t an adult, i had no choice if i had to take it or not.
with new meds, came new side effects. weight gain was a major problem. One day i woke up starving. I ate everything in sight!
I couldnt stop! Since that day, i slowly gained more and more weight. I got stretch marks. 😦
I hated going to therapy. I was depressed and not good company.
But 13 years later, here I am. A functioning 28 year old. I am normal. I love my life. Although i would prefer to not have had to go to psych wards 14 times, I am happy. I just want people to know, happiness with mental illness, is possible.
I looked her in the eye and couldnt lie. I was seeing things others couldnt and i tried to hide it.
she came right out and asked me “What are you seeing right now?” My eyes went across the room. There was Peter sitting on the table with a cigarette in his mouth.
I knew it! She couldnt see him! But, i could.
I got the shivers.
“Emily” she said. I focused back on her eyes. One had more blue eye shadow then the other.
I cant trust her though. She ruined my life by telling the world about my issues. She may be a therapist, but my life should be private to others.
“I want to go to California” i said. She wrote something in that stupid green notebook.
I stood up and left the room, i have had enough,
she called after me but i ignored her.
Peter followed me. I left the building. my ride was late by 2 minutes and i started to panic.
what if i was stuck with this therapist, FOREVER!
I sat on the curb and watched a pigeon eating a french fry. I threw a rock at him and he flew away.
“Let me come with you” i whispered as i looked in the sky. Spirits flew around, i just wanted to join them!!!