NO hopistal this Christmas! (for sure)

It took a long time to find the perfect therapist. i have had some GREAT ones in the past. BUt my current, MA, is the best.

We accomplish a lot in therapy! I love being able to talk about anything on my mind with out feeling embarrassed or uncomfortable.

She really listens, and gives great advice!

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today is a much gooder day then yesterday! My Mom bought me an early xmas present. A DVD called LET IT SNOW> Its my favorite Christmas movie, ever!

It put me in the spirit. i hope my friends and family love the gifts i give them.

I hope we have a nice breakfast at DAd’s on xmas morning and a nice dinner at Mom’s xmas night.




I have had a lot of scary or disturbing experiences.

being restraint, locked in a psych ward, being strip searched, a catheter being put in….

But i remember the scariest day in my WHOLE life.

I had been on Seroqil for 3 months. It reacted bad with my body. I couldnt sleep, i was hyper, my legs wouldn’t stop moving when in bed. I was scared something was seriously wrong.

There was a night, it was at its worst. It was 2:00 am and i was racing around the house, i could not sit still!

I grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled on it ferociously.

My heart was racing.

I finally woke mom. By then the voices had started!

She couldnt calm me either! so we called 911. Thats when i had my first trip in an ambulance. I was SO scared.

I finally got to the ER. I was crazy! They put me in the restraint chair and i begged them to cut off my arms.

they decided to give me a shot, thank GOD! I fell asleep and slept the whole night. My first time sleeping over 3 hours since a long time!

That, was the scariest night. >EVER.

They said if i didnt eat, they would tube feed me!~ :(

I had just thrown up my meal and caught. Lisa, staff at my therapy program, caught me throwing up after lunch. I was in the bathroom puking when she knocked.

“Emily let me in!” She shouted. I flushed and did.

“I am getting sick of this childish behavior” Lisa shouted. She took me by the arm and led me to the kids group. I was hearing voices that day.  I Sat in the seat she put me. I covered my ears with my hands and shook my head back and forth.

“Stop it” I demanded to the voices. I punched my leg harder and harder. Lisa grabbed my hands and held me still.

“Stop” She said.

Peter was there. my favorite hallucination.

“Kick her” He said.

I tried but Lisa held my leg.

“Lemme go!!” I shouted.

That day after therapy, Dad picked me up. Lisa had a talk with him. She told him i was unstable so  i had to be admitted into the in patient program, that night.

I was SO mad!

But i did and refused to eat to get back at them.

They said if i didnt eat, they would tube feed me.


I cant get a break..

Therapy session, 10-4-17

I went to therapy today. The Elder Bus picked me up at home at 12:00. My apt was for 1:00.

we got there 30 minutes early

But MA wasnt on time and i panicked that she forgot me!!

I started to get anxious. My leg shaked and hands tingled. She finally came to get me at 1:15.

Then we didnt have a room reserved for our session. Finally we got it all squared away, we got a room and stared our session.

We talked about counting. I count so much. Its aggravating. I count to 23 at red lights, beginning of guard rails, commercials, dust particles… It wont stop.

We also talked about my fears of death. I have been taking my meds a little later then i used to so i could be really tired for bed. The point is to get tired before lying down, so i will sleep with out dreaming about death.

It works sometimes.



I was in a psychotic state!!~

“Rinngggg!!!” The bell rung. Classes were in session. where was I? Hiding in the bathroom. i was having a hard day. In history class that day, i saw a note on my teacher’s desk saying to keep an eye on Emily J****.

Every teacher thought i was on drugs. same with my classmates. But, i wasnt. I really wasnt. I just had a lot going on in my brain. voices and hallucinations.

the best day of my life, was being pulled out of that school.

I was enrolled into a therapeutic school and had a fresh start. Nobody knew me, so i could get a better rep.

The first day of school was Valentines Day. I made friends right away. But i was still struggling.

In English, my 2nd class, we read the old man in the sea. That man was talking to me.! I told my teacher and she sent me to the onsite therapist.

I made a connection with the nurse at my new school. I Saw her daily. Whenever i heard voices, which was daily.

She would hold my hand and talk to me. She gave me candy. I knew she was watching me when i was in a psychotic state. I could feel it.


I was fragile and in therapy!~

I used to be very paranoid as a teenager. I was scared of everything. When i attended out paintent therapy at Westwood Lodge, was the hardest point of my life.

I was dealing with voices and hallucinations. There was a crack in the baseboard and i was scared poisons gas fumes would come out of it. So, i stuffed it with tissues.

There was a bathroom that was locked since forever. I was first one in group and i KNOW i heard the sink on.

I was so scared it was haunted. So i told Lissa. She’s like “Emily its just your mind playing tricks”

It wasnt!

I never proved it was haunted, but i know it was.

I feared there were camera’s behind the bathroom mirrors, so i refused to go to bathroom all day.

I was very fragile and did not fit in with the others in out patient therapy. So Lissa brought me to the little kids group. Ages 12 and under, i was 16.

She sat me in the corner with headphones on to cancel out the voices. let me tell you, it actually worked!

i was surprised!!


I can take my meds later then i thought!~

I had a GREAT therapy session today. MA and I talked about how i take my meds at the same times i did in the psych ward. She said, there is a frame of time i can take it.  I usually take it at 8:00 pm. Even when i am not tired. Even on a Friday night!

MA wants me to start taking my meds when i feel actually tired. That way i wont be in bed thinking about death.

Its a good idea. I just cant be awake by the time my meds kick in, because thats when i start hallucinating.

I also have issues with time, I cant write my stories 3:00 pm or later each night. I cant. I am not sure why.

I love therapy. I have a full 45 minutes to talk about all my stresses.