My Doll Committed Suicide~ ?

when I was a little kid, i heard voices. I remember hearing voices as far back as my memory allows.

I used to love to play doll house. I would act out scenarios with my friends.

I look back and get concerned sometimes of my actions, something i didnt realize at the time.

I had a little girl doll house figurine and had her jump off the roof, committing suicide.

It wasnt scary to me then. It was just something i thought about a lot.

I never really admitted i wanted to die when i was little.

I told one therapist and i am pretty sure she didnt tell my parents which i was grateful of because i dont want to worry them.

I would draw disturbing pictures such as men being hung.

Things have definitely improved now that i am older. I play dollhouse with my niece and we act out sleepovers and birthday parties, no longer having my toys committing suicide.

Im the boss! NOT the voices!!

I had therapy today, it went really well, because, we actually got something accomplished. Something BIG.

I have issues with the voices, particularity Michelle and Jack, in my head. My issue, was that i was listening to both of them, and, my OWN mind… It was very busy and i was getting upset.

MA told me, I can actually, pick what i want to listen to, i am in charge, me.

Not Michelle, Not Jack, Not Cereal, Not Sari, Not Peter. Me.

Sometimes i lay in bed feeling like i am stuck in the middle. One voices is telling me to do one thing and another voice telling me to do something else!

Its not fair.

BUT, i have the power to listen to whatever i want to.

Thats what me and MA resolved and i am feeling so much gooder!!

Therapy Helps. A lot.

I really enjoy therapy. I didnt always. BUt now that i found the perfect therapist, i love going!
MA Is super nice. We talk about everything from hearing voices, cutting, relationship advice and more.
I love having 45 minutes to talk about WHATEVER i want.

I feel safe there in her office.

i dont always feel safe in the waiting room, there are some scary people there.

I hold my cell phone in case i need to call 911.

I have had TONS of therapists in my life since I was 7:

Karen, Beth, Danielle, Stacy, Sue, Marianne…SO Many!

I have improved in therapy a LOT. i went from a SHY 7 year old, to a rebellious teenager that couldn’t look authority in the eye.

Now i am 28 and a lot more mature.

I dont think people can read my thoughts in my head when they look me in the eye. i feel therapy really helps me out.

 

Imagination VS Hallucinations!!!

I had a great imagination as a child. I had so many invisible friends. I pretended my bike was a pet horse. I would ride it around WalMart’s parking lot imagining myself in fields on a horse. I had no cares in the world.

Years passed. I got older but my imaginary friends were still there.

My imagination got stronger. I could vividly see my imaginary friends. They were no longer invisible, at the time, they felt real, they WERE real!

they started visiting me at night while trying to sleep. One being Billy.

I would talk to them. I had NO clue these people i were talking to, were just hallucinations

And i didnt know for years!

It wasnt until i was 16, I went to my 100th therapist. (exaggerating) I happened to mention these people i were seeing, and strange things i was hearing. She got concerned.

Not long after that, i went to my FIRST psychiatrist.

It turns out my friends Billy, Michelle and Peter, were not real. They were hallucinations.

I cried hard that night, i was so confused.

Why was i hearing these people, so clearly, but were not real.

It made no sense. I started to feel alone. ONe reason i started to cut. I felt i couldnt express my pain any other way.

Today is 2017, I am 28 and have been hearing voices for over 20 years.

Its part of who i am. I am a schizophrenic, but thats not all i am. I am a writer, a friend, a daughter, a cousin, a pianist, i love to do make up… there is so much more to me!

i have learned to accept i was blessed with mental illness. because, us who have mental illness, are special. oooxooxoo ❤

 

Very first therapy session, AGE 7!!

I was so nervous on the first day of my therapy. I was 7 years old. I sat in the waiting room with my Dad reading a Highlights Magazine.

After awhile, my name was called. My therapists name was Karen, she was young, blond and nice. She made me feel comfortable.

I sat on the fluffy purple couch and Karen sat across from me, she had a notebook which made me nervous.

She asked me questions, lots of questions. Mostly about my parents divorce.

I was EXTREMELY shy back then, it was hard for me to talk to this stranger.

but i did.

Together, we made a family tree. it was hard because my Mom has 10 siblings.

after that, my session was over. Karen shook my hand and Dad’s too. It was over. I made it through my very first therapy session, go ME!

Therapy Session NO DRUGS!!!

I remember one session of therapy with my old therapist Stacey. I was extremely hyper due to my new medications. She thought i was on drugs, like everyone else thought. (i have never done drugs btw)

I couldn’t stop moving. I stood up, sat down, changed seats, shook my leg and waved my arms.

During that session, we talked about hearing voices.

At the time, i thought i had powers. I predicted she was having a girl when she told me she was pregnant.

Also at the time, i was scared to look her in the eye, because i feared she could read my mind.

She and i played games like we always did, which i hated.

I showed her a picture of a flower that i would talk to on a daily basis.

she suggested i rip the flower up. so i did. I felt SO bad. I cried.

My emotions were all over the place.

I didnt see her for long, we just didnt click.

I have had so many therapists in my lifetime. Idk.

 

Pray, i am not ready to DIE

I lay in bed last night content. Often nights like that, i decide i am at peace with dying. So i talked to God. I told him i would be okay if i died that night.

After i said that prayer, i got all worried it will come true! I took back the prayer and started to cry.

what if God received the prayer and i die.

I am not ready to die!

I talked to my therapist about that, she said that she heard of elderly in nursing homes praying they could go to sleep and not wake up. But they do.

MA said it doesnt’ work that way. You cant die before it is meant to be.