I wish my Dad understood, I have paranoia schizophrenia. He is very supportive, but he doesn’t understand the paranoia part.
When its 12 hours since we last talk, i panic.
I text him over and over. I am scared, what could have happened!?
He tells me not to text over and over. I wouldn’t if all he has to do, is text me.
Just say “Cant talk, i will call u later”
That way i wont have to think worst case scenarios
Its really hard having paranoia. my brain is on constant speed. I get so scared, nervous, anxious….
I hate it,
If Clozapine is one of the strongest meds for schizophrenia, why wasn’t i prescribed it in the beginning? I could have saved myself from MANY visits to psych wards.
Life is so much gooder on medications. I usually say i HATE taking meds. But where would i be with out them?
The psych ward.
I was thinking last night and prayed to God that i will NEVER go back to a psych ward. EVER.
I scare myself when i cry at night and cant catch my breath.
I just cant tell Mom because shes the one who calls 911.
I like to calm myself with music.
Dont worry. If i were having a REALLY hard night, hallucinating and such, i will tell Mom.
But why bother her for no reason.
I have schizophrenia. I am a little different then your average girl. I see things and hear things others cant.
I act younger then I really am.
I have different voices i talk in with out meaning to.
I hallucinate and have psychotic episodes. I often end up in psych wards.
I take 17 pills a day.
My mind can be really busy, or completely blank.
I wont give up! Some days i struggle, like everyone else. But other days, i just love life!
“I need black shoes”
“She doesn’t have black shoes”
“Wheres the red carpet? I NEED THE RED CARPET!”
“Lalala fall asleep to the devils song”
I cant sleep. I heard a tap on my window. It was dark. I was scared.
So I hid under the blankets but the voices got LOUDER!
“Pay him 20 bucks to make a manikin for you”
“Dont trust Dr V!!!”
I Dont trust her.
“Emily trusts her!!”
I Cant sleep.
My head is so busy!!!
I Sit up and look at the clock. I count to 23 before the clock reached 2:33 am. I did. THat, made me happy.
So I slapped my face and lay back in bed.
The voices were So loud. I took my meds at 8:00 pm, WHY AREN’T THEY WORKING!?
I keep falling asleep like 3 afters i go into bed. I keep dreaming im in the psych ward. I get so scared my eyes fly open. I look around confused for a moment.
Then i realize i am safe at home in my own bed.
I wake up at least 6 times a night. I guess the time then look at the clock.
If i am 5 minutes, on time, or 5 minutes late, i win a point.
If its not, i lose one.
I am getting tired of these little games my mind play.
I am tired of counting. I am tired of making deals.
I am tired of being preoccupied by having schizophrenia. I deal with it daily. So do my parents. we are SICK Of thinking of all my mental illnesses. sick.
Its getting close to my 14th anniversary of being diagnosed with schizophrenia.
It was a fast 14 years! I have been through so much: good and bad.
I have tried SO many medications to help with hearing voices, anxiety and OCD.
I am happy to say I believe i am on thee perfect dosages.
I have been in psych wards, 13 times.
I have had many different therapists.
I have volunteered at meals on wheels, senior center and library.
I dont have a paying job but fortunately i get SSI.
I have made a few new friends and still stay in touch with friends from the past.
In one month i will be 30. Crazy!
I hope this coming year is the best yet!!! 😀