I had a bad reputation :(

I wish i had a better reputation in school. People knew me for getting all the negative attention.

I was the cutter, puker, anxious, druggy schizophrenia.

I NEVER did drugs btw.

It really hurt when I heard one of my classmates calling me half baked. Because i had so much energy.

The staff hated me. I often got detentions and suspensions.

If only we knew what I had going on my brain sooner.

The guidance counselor told my friends when i left school for the psych ward, that i was struggling with depression and  i was getting help.

WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP SAYING I HAVE DEPRESSION~ I never really did. I guess its easier to expect then dealing with schizophrenia.

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I hardly EVER have PSYCHOTIC episodes ANYMORE!! :D

I am Emily. I am a writer, artist, pianist, a friend, a daughter, a cousin, a niece…there is so much more to me then being a “Schizophrenic”

Sure its my diagnosis but i can bet when you meet me, you wouldn’t even think i had a mental illness.

Thanks to the 18 pills i take daily and endless hours of therapy, I am doing so well!

I hardly ever have psychotic episodes anymore!!

I dont like to be labeled as a schizophrenic, that’s not who i really am, on the inside.

I HAVE PARANOIA SCHIZOPHRENIA!

I dont think some of my family and friends understand my diagnosis. I have PARANOIA SCHIZOPHRENIA.

I get paranoid often. Little paranoid and some times very paranoid.

I volunteer at the library and senior center. I ask my step Dad to pick me up at 2:55 not 3:00. I HAVE to leave 5 minutes early.

If he is ONE minute late, i think the worst. Did he crash, have a heart attack, was there a fire??

I get paranoid that people are watching me, that i will take the steering wheel and that people are talking behind my back.

I get anxious that we will run out of gas, so i ask who’s driving if they have a full tank. It annoys them, but I cant help asking. I really dont wanna ask, i just do

i am on strong meds, but things are no perfect.

I just wish people could be a little more understanding.

Being Schizophrenic = Bad Hygiene?

I used to think my birth certificate was wrong. For a few years, ages 26 to 28, i thought i was 11 years old.

I acted immature for my age. I didnt want to be an adult.

When i was really 11, i had a pretty carefree life! I could play Barbies and get tucked in at night.

But being 26, was just not the right age for me. Too many responsibilities I was just not ready to commit to.

I have been stereotyped to have bad hygiene, being a schizophrenic. So my family often has to make sure i bathe or use deodorant.

I am getting better though!

Anyways, 11 was a good year for me. Not a child, yet not a teen.

My therapist M and I worked on that issue for quite some time.

FINALLY, i came to terms, that in fact, i am NOT 11!

I have schizophrenia, a blog for new viewers!

I used to skip class, all the time. I wasn’t interested in learning. I had other things going on in my brain that distracted me. Voices.

I hear voices. I have been for years. I have a bunch of people living in my mind, some nice others not so.

I have schizophrenia. Basically i have a chemical imbalance in my brain. Which causes me to hallucinate.

I see things others cant and hear things others cant.

I am unique as my Mom would say.

Things used to be BAD. I was in the psych ward a month after i turned 16. That was the beginning of the journey with mental illness.

Books were talking to me, spirits distracted me.

I was dealing with an eating disorder and cutting.

It was all too much.

I tried to poison myself to end the pain. I ate antibacterial hand sanitizer.

Nothing happened and i was relieved.

I decided I didnt want to die. SO i went back to therapy.

Things got worse. I was in therapy with my therapist Danielle. She had my name written all over her rug and walls. It could have been me hallucinating but i never found out.

I left her office and ran to the parking lot. My Dad ran after me. He caught me before I reached the street.

I was very upset.

I went home and sliced my belly with nail scissors. I cried and cried. I was so weak and confused, a small 98 lb 16 year old girl!

I went back to my 2nd psych ward.

I was monitored during meal time, i was not allowed to use the bathroom for 50 minutes after meal time.

And when i did go to the bathroom, i had to sing while i peed. Just so they could make sure i didnt throw up.

It was December. The psych ward’s heat didnt work. It was FREEZING. I slept in like 5 layers.

ONe night i was high off new medications. I tickled the walls, saw Pokemon in my light, bubbles were all over the floor and i could not help laughing. It really was not funny.

When i got discharged, a few days before Xmas, I thought i was done with psych wards.

Nope.

I went back to a new one.

I started to gain weight, a side effect from one of my meds. That depressed me more.

 

(comment if you wanna hear more of my life story)

 

Schizophrenic mistaken for a Druggy!~

I had therapy with S today. it went well! I told her how whenever i hear about an illness on TV or in the news, I automatically think i have it!

She said that I am a hypochondriac. My mom always says that about me.

I thought she was being mean, but i guess its true.

I blogged about the school that i went to where i thought they confused drug use and mental illnesses. I told S and she said that’s not true. They are two totally different issues.

So basically, I was a little schizophrenic who was mistaken for a druggy.

 

Psychotic Episodes In School!

I sat in the shower stall in my schools locker room. I got to school late that day. I cant walk into a room full of people. So i planned to stay in that shower until next class. I sat there tapping my foot on the tiled floor.

Had i missed the bell? I peeked out the door at the clock. RINGGG. Class was out.

I went to English class. I could tell that day was NOT going to be a good one. I saw peter. Sigh, my evil hallucination.

I went into the classroom and walked to the back desk. C got it before me. I was upset. That was MY Chair.

I was very emotional, trying new meds.

The only seat left was in the front. NO WAY.

So I started to cry. Fat hot tears dripped down my cheeks.

I raced back to the shower. I curled up in a ball and cried. My English teacher, Mrs D came to find me.

She did.

And I got sent to the nurse. Again.

They just could not handle me at that school. I had diagnosis they just didnt know how to deal with.

In the nurses my hands were shaky.

I sat on the bed, knees knocking together.

I had to throw up. SO i did. In the trash can.

Staff were getting annoyed, like i was doing this on purpose!!!

I had to get out of that school. 5 weeks later, i did. Thank U jesus.