I have paranoid Schizophrenia!

I wish my Dad understood, I have paranoia schizophrenia. He is very supportive, but he doesn’t understand the paranoia part.

When its 12 hours since we last talk, i panic.

I text him over and over. I am scared, what could have happened!?

He tells me not to text over and over. I wouldn’t if all he has to do, is text me.

Just say “Cant talk, i will call u later”

That way i wont have to think worst case scenarios

Its really hard having paranoia. my brain is on constant speed. I get so scared, nervous, anxious….

I hate it,

 

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Clozapine from the Beginning?

If Clozapine is one of the strongest meds for schizophrenia, why wasn’t i prescribed it in the beginning? I could have saved myself from MANY visits to psych wards.

Life is so much gooder on medications. I usually say i HATE taking meds. But where would i be with out them?

The psych ward.

I was thinking last night and prayed to God that i will NEVER go back to a psych ward. EVER.

I scare myself when i cry at night and cant catch my breath.

I just cant tell Mom because shes the one who calls 911.

I like to calm myself with music.

Dont worry. If i were having a REALLY hard night, hallucinating and such, i will tell Mom.

But why bother her for no reason.

Im a little different than your average girl!

I have schizophrenia. I am a little different then your average girl. I see things and hear things others cant.

I act younger then I really am.

I have different voices i talk in with out meaning to.

I hallucinate and have psychotic episodes. I often end up in psych wards.

I take 17 pills a day.

My mind can be really busy, or completely blank.

I wont give up! Some days i struggle, like everyone else. But other days, i just love life!

 

 

WHY WONT MY MEDS KICK IN!?

“I need black shoes”

“She doesn’t have black shoes”

“Wheres the red carpet? I NEED THE RED CARPET!”

“Lalala fall asleep to the devils song”

I cant sleep. I heard a tap on my window. It was dark. I was scared.

So I hid under the blankets but the voices got LOUDER!

“Pay him 20 bucks to make a manikin for you”

“Dont trust Dr V!!!”

I Dont trust her.

“Emily trusts her!!”

I Cant sleep.

My head is so busy!!!

I Sit up and look at the clock. I count to 23 before the clock reached 2:33 am. I did. THat, made me happy.

So I slapped my face and lay back in bed.

The voices were So loud. I took my meds at 8:00 pm, WHY AREN’T THEY WORKING!?

Tired of my mental illnesses….

I keep falling asleep like 3 afters i go into bed. I keep dreaming im in the psych ward. I get so scared my eyes fly open. I look around confused for a moment.

Then i realize i am safe at home in my own bed.

I wake up at least 6 times a night. I guess the time then look at the clock.

If i am 5 minutes, on time, or 5 minutes late, i win a point.

If its not, i lose one.

I am getting tired of these little games my mind play.

I am tired of counting. I am tired of making deals.

I am tired of being preoccupied by having schizophrenia. I deal with it daily. So do my parents. we are SICK Of thinking of all my mental illnesses. sick.

14th anniversary of being diagnosed with SCHIZOPHRENIA. ~

Its getting close to my 14th anniversary of being diagnosed with schizophrenia.

It was a fast 14 years! I have been through so much: good and bad.

I have tried SO many medications to help with hearing voices, anxiety and OCD.

I am happy to say I believe i am on thee perfect dosages.

I have been in psych wards, 13 times.

I have had many different therapists.

I have volunteered at meals on wheels, senior center and library.

I dont have a paying job but fortunately i get SSI.

I have made a few new friends and still stay in touch with friends from the past.

In one month i will be 30. Crazy!

I hope this coming year is the best yet!!! 😀