When i was in the psych ward a few years ago, I tried to do things to get back at the people who locked me up.
Now, i know its not their fault, they are there to help. But, I was struggling.
So I decided to not eat. I said if you lock me in here, i will never eat again.
That lasted a day.
I cut my belly in plain sight of the cameras in the psych ward. They had to have seen me! But there i was. bleeding belly burning.
I was so angry.
I threw the knife away and stomped to my room.
My belly hurt SO bad! My shirt touched my cuts and it stung.
i tried to escape.
I just was very immature.
I am glad i Grew Up.
I think the worst psych ward i have been in was Westwood Lodge. It was dead winter. NO heat. I was struggling with a new issue for me, puking after meals.
I got a rep as being a killer so they took me out of a room with two other girls and got a single.
That was fine with me! I got caught puking after eating and got in trouble. I was monitored after meals and had to sing while peeing.
I remember hallucinating BAD one night. I hid in the corner behind the dresser rocking back and forth, covering my ears to keep out the voices!
I heard the staff calling me but i couldnt answer. I wanted them to find me but the voices said i was not allowed or id be cursed.
They found me in a little ball. I was FREEZING. My arms had goosebumps all over.
It was not fair for them to even be open when there is no heat in December.
That place was THEE worst psych ward, i have ever been in!!
Youd think a med change is no big deal. For me, it seems every time i get my meds tweaked, i end up in the ER. a on site shrink evaluates me and so far, everytime, that night i end up in the psych ward. everytime.
That’s why i dont speak up when i am having a hard time. Well, i dont tell my family. I hate when they worry. But I always say how i am feeling here on my blog, because i dont know you guys.
Sometimes all i need is a SMALL adjustment. But why?
My Mom says its because my mind chemical balance is constantly changing.
Does that mean I am a different person each time my chemicals in the brain change?
I am so confused!
Last night was rough. I did not plan about blogging about it, but i decided i would..
I woke up around 1:30 am. I was half asleep as i packed my luggage. I knew I was going to the hopistal, because, i was planning how to die and planning my funeral in my head. I started to cry as i looked out at the full moon.
i sat at the end of my bed burying my face in my hands sobbing. I felt SO depressed, more than usual.
When i was crying, all i thought about was my Mom. Her Mom passed away on Mothers Day a few years ago.
Well today is Mothers Day. There is NO way I could go to the psych ward on her special day… That would break both our hearts.
So i woke up today, and i felt GREAT!
I did NOT harm myself and i did not go to the hopistal~
Love you Mom.. xxx
Whenever I get sad or mad or anxious or paranoid, i ALWAYS fear going back to the psych ward.
I live my life in constant fear, what will happen next!
The only reason i like psych wards is because i feel free. Ironic because technically i am not free.
I can talk any way i want, there is always sometere to talk to. I can act childish instead of acting my age and no one judges.
I have a personality that turns on, <EVERY time i enter the psych ward. Its like someone in my brain is speaking for me. In a childish voice. I am used to it by now.
It kinda confuses me “Where did this voice come from!?” Oh well.
I spit on my finger and drew a picture of a needle in the eye on the frosty window in my room at the psych ward.
I had a staple from my magazine hidden under my pillow. I had urges to poke my eye out, like the picture i drew.
I really was not thinking clearly.
At shower time, i asked E for shampoo. I dont know HOW she knew i was going to eat the shampoo!!!
shes like “Just to let you know, if you eat this shampoo, you will just get a bellyache”
HOW IN THE WORLD DID SHE KNOW~?
I took a shower, did not eat the shampoo and dried off.
I saw a ladybug on the bathroom mirror.
I had a bad feeling in the ladybug’s eyes, were cameras, so i used my finger and squished his guts out. I smirked and flushed him down the toilet.
I had to hand back the shampoo.
I was in the psych ward:
I stood behind a laundry cart. Dr G did the code, the password to freedom. I caught the door just before it locked me in. I was SO proud!
I opened the door when Dr. G turned around.
He took my arm and led me to the nurses station. He told them what i had done. I was to be punished. At least they didnt restrain me, but i was not allowed in the halls.
I tempted them now and then. I took one step into the hallway. No one noticed. oNe more step.
“Are you kidding me!?” one of the staff, T, caught me. I regretted my actions.
This time, i was restrained. Because i had a meltdown.
I started to scream and use my nails to dig into my flesh. T and a male staff restrained me to the bed. There were ties around my ankles and wrists.
“YOU CANT GET AWAY WITH THIS~” i screamed.
“Maybe next time, you will listen” T said annoyed.
I struggled so hard for so long that i fell asleep. The afternoon staff were now on duty.
E let me out. She asked if i were ok.
“Really NO” i started to cry. E hugged me, i was shaking.
THat’s just one terrible experience i had in one of many psych wards i have been in.