Gave up on having my 98 lb body back!!

I remember one night when i was 16. I was recently diagnosed with schizophrenia. The meds my psychiatrist put me on, made me sleepy. I took my meds at 6:30pm and by 7:00 pm i was so tired i couldnt keep my eyes open.

So i would sleep a full 12 hours.

The med i was on then, i dont remember which one it was, but it made me hyper.

I had too much energy but i was just so tired.

It was around that time, that i started to throw up after eating. I didnt do what most girls did, put on the sink to cover up the noise of me puking.

No. I threw up in cups and hid them under my bed.

After a week, i had several cups full (Sorry, gross, i know)

My room started to stink. So i emptied them one night.

That week I was admitted into Waltham Behavioral Psych ward. I met Amanda who too, had an eating disorder.

She looked REALLY skinny. All bones. I wanted to be just like her. So i threw up more. But, i didnt lose weight. I GAINED weight!

Soon my pants were too small. It was exactly the opposite of what i wanted.

That depressed me.

i was SO hungry i ate everything in sight!

It was terrible. I never hated my body as much as i did. From then on, my weight got higher and higher.

I gave up on getting my 98 lb body back….

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I was Sad, Cold and Depressed….

 

Almost 13 years to the day, I was in Westwood Lodge Psych ward in patient. I was in a bad space of mind.

I was hearing voices and hallucinating daily. I was cutting my belly and throwing up after meals.

I was sad, cold and depressed.

It seems like it was just yesterday, I was singing the alphabet while peeing. That was a rule for the patients with eating disorders.

It was embarrassing.

Me and A became friends quickly. She had bipolar. I Had schizophrenia, but we really got along.

I feel bad that i helped her hide her food at dinner time. She was too skinny! But that was one of her diagnosis’s, anorexia.

I wasnt a good friend and that makes me feel bad.

If i could go back in time, i would not have helped her that way. I would have told staff. That would be the right thing to do….

 

Gotta Love Anxiety. Not.

Im feeling terrible today. SO much anxiety! I am not sure what to do. I dont really want to leave the house. I am paranoid and afraid. So much can go wrong.

Mom asked me if i wanna go BACK to the hopistal. NO WAY! The thing is, its not the schizophrenia i am having a hard time with, its just the dang anxiety.

I dont feel like i will harm myself or anything.

My heart just keeps racing! I had a writing class i wanted to go to SO bad tonight, but i am just not up to it.

I just feel bad for my parents. They worry about me, and i wish i could make everything gooder for them.

I just need another med change. Not sure i was ready to leave the hopistal last week.

I felt good then, but the anxiety worsened.

I am just glad their are no voices to worry about too.

I have to learn how to distract myself. So i blog. that helps. always.

 

Smelling the color YELLOW!~

Scariest Hallucination i ever had in a psych ward was when i was 16. I was locked up in WestWood Lodge.

I was on a new medication and it didnt agree with me. I went to bed early that night. I woke up to Peter calling my name.

Peter was an old hallucination i used to have…

He told me I was going to die that night. I was SO scared!! I Didnt want to get out of bed and the meds kicked in.

I Started to see Pokemon on my lights reproducing. My walls were laughing at me and there were bubbles all over the floor. I got out of bed and was scared of popping the bubbles as i walked.

I tiptoed to the nurses station. I told them what was happening. But my legs were weak so i sat on the floor. They took my BP it was good but i still felt, SO weird. I was smelling the color yellow.

Super scary night. Since then i have had many, many bad nights, but that night really stuck with me.

Im back from the psych WARD! ~

Well i went back to the psych ward after being out for 15 months. It was an okay stay. I went in last Monday afternoon. I broke down and started to cry. Soon i was hearing voices. The EMTs drove me in an ambulance to the ER. My step Dad went with us. I dont remember much about being in the ER, just hallucinating. They sent me to the psych ward. I was there for 7 days. I got to paint Christmas ornaments.

I got to see all my favorite staff! We had a nice Thanksgiving meal as a group in the ward. We had turkey, peas, stuffing, cranberry sauce, rolls, mash tatoes and more. It was lovely.

I had a few hard times involving the other patient. One guy was scary! He kept screaming. I dont do well with loud noises.

My BP was low too, but I am doing okay. I had two EKG’s and need one more next week.

It came out okay i guess.

NOw i am home! I missed my Mom SO bad. I feel great!

One Little Pill can make a BIG difference.

It was late, not sure what time. I was in my room in the psych ward. everyone was asleep. I heard the night staff talking softly.

my heart started to race, randomly! I HATE when that happens. So i jumped out of bed and went to get my BP taken.

my heart rate was 133.

“You sure know your body” D said. I smiled. I like that she said that.

So i got a PRN and soon my heart rate was back down to 90. I went back to sleep but couldnt.

I tossed and turned for hours. Soon i saw light from the sky. It was early morning.

I stood up on my bed and pressed my nose up to the window. I looked down. I was on level 3 of the hopistal. Below people were coming out of the ER. I was there 3 days ago, but in my case couldnt go home. 😦 i was locked up, again.

It was my 12th time being locked up since i was 16.

I jumped off my bed. The morning staff were on shift.

I got my meds and got my BP taken. It was high so they gave me a pill.

its amazing what one little pill can do. I got my meds adjusted, one extra Haldol and i have been out of the psych ward for 15 months!!!

 

THEY TOOK AWAY MY UNDERWEAR!!!!!!!

When i was in arbor fuller psych ward, i got in trouble thanks to another patient. at that psychiatric ward, we had to check out pencils and pens because some of the girls were using them to make tattoos on their body.

One girl put a pen on my bed. During checks, staff found the pen, i broke the rules. EVEN though, i didnt to it.

they didnt believe me.

I got in trouble and they took away my underwear, as a punishment. I was humiliated.

I get humiliated a lot in the psych wards i have been in.

I never fit in with the others.

I got my underwear back and i was angry. So i stayed in my room and refused to eat.

That didnt last, because i was hungry.

Same girl that put the pen in my room, stole my jeans. I was too weak to stand up to her. SHe had a mouth on her and an attitude. I was kinda scared of her.