“Watering can, can you grant me a wish?”

I walked over to the painting of a watering can. I touched the painting with my hand. I raced to the dining room and got a cup of water. I dipped my hand in the water and dabbed the can’s spout.

“Watering can, can you grant me a wish?” i asked. I set the cup of water on the floor and sat on the rocking chair. I folded me hands to pray.

“I miss my family, i just wanna go home.. i have been here locked up for 9 days. 8 days too long..”

I stood up and forgot that the water was there, i kicked it over. I felt bad. I raced to get a towel. i moped up the water and then put it in the laundry.

it was group time. we were going to meet on the porch. I stared out of the fenced in porch.

I saw a little girl in a stroller. i waved to her. she waved back. that made my day. She was so cute!

we did our goals and did a coping skill group.

after group, i passed that painting again. I smiled to myself and went to my room.

My Dr came in and said i would be discharged in the morning!! I WAS SO EXCITED. THANK U WATERING CAN!!

 

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They said if i didnt eat, they would tube feed me!~ :(

I had just thrown up my meal and caught. Lisa, staff at my therapy program, caught me throwing up after lunch. I was in the bathroom puking when she knocked.

“Emily let me in!” She shouted. I flushed and did.

“I am getting sick of this childish behavior” Lisa shouted. She took me by the arm and led me to the kids group. I was hearing voices that day.  I Sat in the seat she put me. I covered my ears with my hands and shook my head back and forth.

“Stop it” I demanded to the voices. I punched my leg harder and harder. Lisa grabbed my hands and held me still.

“Stop” She said.

Peter was there. my favorite hallucination.

“Kick her” He said.

I tried but Lisa held my leg.

“Lemme go!!” I shouted.

That day after therapy, Dad picked me up. Lisa had a talk with him. She told him i was unstable so  i had to be admitted into the in patient program, that night.

I was SO mad!

But i did and refused to eat to get back at them.

They said if i didnt eat, they would tube feed me.

sigh.

I cant get a break..

I felt safe enough to sleep. ~

“Night Doll” Dad tucked me into bed. He covered me in 4 blankets. there was no heat on this psych ward. It was December too.

I hugged my Grover doll with tears in my eyes.

“Dont leave” i whispered.

“Visiting hours are over” Dad said softly. I started to cry. so did Dad. It was only 7:00 pm, but i was in bed just so Dad could tuck me in.

Dad left and i cried harder. A staff came in and asked if i wanted to take my pills early. i did. so she gave them to me in bed. It was 9:00 pm.. i shut my eyes trying to sleep. But i couldnt.

Plus it was only my 2nd day on this new medication and i was not used to it yet.

I started to hallucinate.

I saw ants all over my walls. i was shivering. I climbed out of bed clumsily

i couldnt walk straight. I went to the dresser and sat on the floor and wrapped my arms around my legs and rocked back and forth. I heard staff come in for checks.

“Where is Emily?” i heard her ask. I am right here i said in my head.

the light turned on and two staff entered my room.

“There you are” D said. She helped me back into bed. I was crying again.

“I will sit right here if you need me” D put her chair in my doorway and sat. I felt safe enough to drift off.

 

29 year old Schizophrenic!

I sometimes wonder what happened to me. One day i was your average 16 year old girl. Next day I was schizophrenic and in the psych ward! It seemed to happen overnight!

It started out with me keep getting in trouble at school. I would do things the teachers didnt understand. It got bad, i got suspended.

I got tested for something, i am not sure what. So i had to go to my town’s high school and do a bunch of puzzles. I never got the results.

But i got taken out of my current school and enrolled in a therapeutic school.

I went to my first shrink and got put on Paxil. I did not like him, so we looked for someone else.

I met Dr A. He and i met at the local hopistal.

He decided I should go to Arbor Fuller, a psych ward for adolescents.

I sat in the back seat on the way to the psych ward. A flood of emotions rushed through my body.

I was excited!

as we got closer, excitement turned into scared. I grabbed my bags and followed DAd into a BIG building.

I was VERY scared.

But after a week there, things were not better. I went back to school for a few weeks, but my meds were just not perfect. so i went to my 2nd psych ward.

I was no longer just a 16 year old girl. I was a 16 year old girl, with a mental illness.

It was scary taking meds because they came with all sorts of side effects.

Weight gain, drooling, heart palpitations, anxiety… It was not fun searching for the right meds for me. It took a lot of hard work!

But today. I am a 29 year old with mental illness, BUT i have not been locked up in 14 months!!!

I spazzed out and had to be restraint!~

I got in line to take my nighttime meds. The nurses were late. I usually took them at 9:00 pm, it was now 10:35 pm. Two people ahead of me, i waited.

finally it was my turn. The nurse scanned my ID bracelet and gave me my pills. I had to open my mouth with my fingers so she could make sure i swallowed them. I did.

“Night” I told the nurse. I went to my room and climbed under the covers. I shut my eyes but couldnt sleep. I tossed and turned for awhile. I was nervous. I knew after a certain amount of time, my meds would kick in and i would start hallucinating, like always.

Sure enough, 12:00 arrived. I got out of bed and wobbled out to the nurses station. the nighttime staff was there. I didnt know any of them.

I started to cry.

“You ok?” One nurse asked me. I sat on the floor and wrapped my arms around my legs and cried.

She came over and asked if i wanted a PRN. I did, but i couldnt walk. i told her that. So she helped me to the nurses office. She did my bracelet and gave me an as needed pill.

“I Cant sleep” i said.

So Beth and i did a puzzle. SOmething in my brain happened then. I spazzed out. I started to bite my arms. Beth held down my arms. I kicked the puzzle over.

“Megan!” Beth called. Megan came running.

all the sudden there were 5 people on top of me, including 2 men which i did not appreciate…

I screamed and cried. They carried me to my room and lay me in my bed, still pinning me down.

my arms were bleeding from scrapes from my nails. All the sudden, i felt the needle in my arm..I HATE that needle, i had it once before.

I went limp. I felt dead. my eyes were sealed shut. When i opened them again, all i saw was a sitter sitting beside me.

“How are you?” She asked me.

“Good” i mumbled. I turned over and fell back to sleep till morning. what a night!!

 

 

“I feel weird” ~

I remember being on new medications. One time at Waltham Behavioral Psych ward, i was put on..Lithium i think? It made me hallucinate like crazy. I remember the day i didnt recognize my Dad. I just touched his face. I dont remember anything else about that day. Somehow i went from visiting my Dad in the den, to being in bed, in my PJ’s…I dont remember changing, or walking there. But when i woke up, It was early the next morning. My new medication had finally worn off..

I climbed out of bed, i could hardly walk, i felt tall and the world felt small. I stumbled to the nurses station.

“You okay Emily?” Stephanie asked me.

“I feel weird” i said. She took my hand and led me back to my room. I lay in bed as she recited a Friends episode, my fave show.

i fell asleep with a smile on my face. i was so grateful for Stephanie..its nice when the staff REALLY care!! ❤

My room was the size of a coffin, how ironic!~ (life in a psych ward)

I climbed out of my bed with the broken spring. It was late, around midnight. I tiptoed out of my room. The staff at the nurses station didnt notice me walk by. I walked down the hallway on tip toes. I reached the door. The door that locks you in and takes away your freedom from the real world. I attempted to open it. Of course i couldnt.

i went back to my room the size of a coffin, how ironic.

I climbed into the squeaky bed and under the covers.

i couldnt sleep, but my meds were kicking in. When they do, i hallucinate. I cried silently as tears ran down my cheeks.

“Im okay” i said 23 times to myself.

“Checks” it was staff. i shut my eyes pretending to sleep.

My first night in a psych ward.

It was not a nice experience.

I woke up at 7:12 am for breakfast. I went to the cafeteria with 3 staff and 12 patients.

i got some yogurt and fruit. I Sat at a table alone. I didnt fit in with the other patients.

after breakfast was school.

Math was the last thing on my mind. I wanted to meet with the on site shrink to adjust my meds and get the heck out of there.

I had been admitted for hearing voices. Today they seemed to be pretty quiet. After school, i finally met with Dr G.

He did some ink blot tests on me. I was so scared i would get the answer wrong!

but i seemed to have done okay.

that day the voices were the neutral ones; not good or bad. They told me to do things like turn the TV in the den off and on 23 times.

The other patients didnt appreciate that and one threw a crayon at me.

I went to my room crying.  I WANNA GO HOME!!!

I somehow survived a week in that place. I knew i was not ready to go home, yet did not want to admit it…