Death is always on my mind. ALWAYS.

last time i was in the psych ward in November, I had A BAD feeling I was going to die. I dont know what happens there. My BP goes really low and my heart rate is really fast! EVERYTIME i am admitted this happens. I have panic attacks and get dizzy and hallucinate.

Soon as i get discharged, i am fine for a month or two, then i need another med adjustment. That means i gotta go into the psych ward.

But I have been out for 4 months and i feel great.

But its kinda sad. I am not living my life to its full potential. I worry about death so much. Its like i am counting down to death instead of something fun, like visiting my aunt.

Death is always on my mind. always.



BAD images in my EYELIDS!

I was moving too slow. I felt like my legs weighed 100 lbs each. There were bubbles all over the floor. There was a hole in the ground that i couldnt get around. I stood on the tips of my toes and gravitated around it.

The room was unlevel as i walked to the nurses station. I felt drunk.

I couldnt make it to the station. I crumbled up on the floor. My heart was racing.

“Help” I tried to speak. It came out slurred.

Finally which seemed like years, the staff found me. They took my blood pressure and pulse.

It was very high. They asked me if i took something.

Of course i didnt!

It was the stupid meds they gave me! They basically carried me back to my room. I saw dragons.

I was super scared. They didnt restrain me, they tucked me into bed and Megan sat with me for awhile. I tried to shut my eyes, but there were bad images in my eyelids.

I started to cry.

She sang me a song. It was so nice of her. In about 15 minutes i fell asleep.

  • *

I woke up, it was dark outside. I climbed out of bed. I was feeling MUCH better!

i went to find Megan to thank her, but her shift was over.

I went to the art room and made Megan a name sign. The staff said they would give it to her.

I got discharged 4 days later but never saw Megan again…


Hearing voices is DRAINING!!~

“Do you know why you are here?” Dr G asked me. I looked around his office, avoiding eye contact. I had a fear he could read my thoughts through my eyes, so i refused to look at him.

I shrugged.

“Have you been cutting?” He asked me. I shook my head. (SHUT UP VOICES!)

“I will be behind the dumpsters when i get discharged waiting for you to kiss me” I finally spoke.

Dr G looked at me strangely.

“I love you, i am in love with you” I contiued

“This is not appropriate” Dr G shut his notebook. i couldn’t stop!!!

It was the voices, they were telling me what to say!! I started to cry. Dr G led me down the hall to the psych ward’s den.

“Sit” he said. I Sat.

I twitched and cocked my head. The voices!! They would NOT SHUT UP!!!~

Elle came over and asked to see my belly. i refused.

She took my hand and led me to my room.

“I need to see your belly” She said firmly. I lift my shirt. My belly was covered in cuts, fresh, new, bloody cuts.

She brought me to the nurses station. She did not seem to be mad.

They cleaned me up and sent me to my room. I was exhausted. Hearing voices, and obeying voices, is draining.

I was basically OUT OF CONTROL!!

I have been locked in a white room with no furniture twice in my life. Same psych ward.

I hated being punished for being a schizophrenic.
One time in that room, I was having a hard time hearing voices. I used my nails to scratch the paint off the walls and ate the paint. I wanted to die, i was not in a good space of mind.

There was a camera watching me. ALl i could think is, “Why arent they stopping me?”

I swallowed the paint chips and rested my forehead against the wall. I pressed my head as hard as i could, trying to break through the walls.

I did not succeed and i got really anxious and upset. I paced the room quickly. side to side, back and forth. The room was small. Too small.

I had nowhere to go!

I went to the door and turned the handle. I was a little hopeful it was open. It wasnt.

I got even more upset. I used my nails to cut my wrists! I was basically out of control. I bitted my fingers and pulled my hair.

FINALLY, they let me out. They didnt mention anything I have done. They didnt say anything!

Whats the point of the camera!?

I went to the den and stared into space for a long time. I played what happened, over and over in my head. It did not go as planned.

I was crying for help, and i did not get it.

“Save me” I cried…

I was scared. A boy in the hall was screaming and swearing.

“IM GONNA F**** KILL SOMEONE!” He shouted. My heart was racing. I did not feel safe.

I was in another psych ward.

I carefully shut my door and hid in my closet. I climbed into a little ball and covered my ears. I rocked back and forth repeating “I am okay, I am okay” I Said it over and over.

There were no checks for quite some time…all the staff were busy restraining that guy.

“Save me” I started to cry. The guy got louder and louder.

All the sudden there was silence. They had him on the restraint bed in the quiet room.

I had a panic attack. I went to get staff but there was noone at the nurses station.

I fell to the floor crying when someone finally came to help. She gave me a pill and i lay down. I am not sure what happened to that guy after that day. I was there 5 more days and didnt see him once.



In one psych ward, there was a level system. Each level you go up, you get more freedom.

I finally reached level 3 after 8 days. My parents were aloud to take me on a 2 hour trip out of the ward.

Dad took my first. We went to a restaurant for buffalo!~ It was actually pretty good.

Another Day we saw a movie.

Mom and Bob brought me to lunch and a park.

I had so much fun on my outings, i did not want to go back to the psych ward after.

Every time I got back to the ward, walking through those hard wooden doors that lock behind you…I got sad.I watched out the window in the den. I saw my family leaving the building.

“Mommy!” I called with tears in my eyes. I pressed my face up against the window. I started to bang on the window. I was getting anxious.

T came in the room when she heard the banging.

SHe took my arms. T was the lady that locked me in a room for hours in nothing but a jonnie.

T grabbed my arms and threatened to restrain me if i did not stop.

I really hate the CHAIR> BUt, I just wanted my Mom.

T held a firm grip on my arm and dragged me to my room. She sat me on my bed with out any words.

“Enough!” She growled as she left the room shutting the door behind her. I felt scared.

I huddled under my blanket shivering. I wasnt cold.

I cried and cried.

Finally someone came in for checks. it was not T.

It was E. She asked if i was okay. I was happy she came in, i wanted to talk. i told her about T.

“Dont worry about her” E patted my knee.

SHe brought me some apple juice and we sat and chatted for awhile, at least someone cares…….

The Hard Core Girls in the PSYCH WARD!~

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…you make me happy when skies are grey….” It was late at night in my first psych ward. I was all alone in a coffin like room. My small single window had bars on it. But i could see the full moon. I wondered if my Mom was looking at the same moon that night. I missed her SO much. I started to cry again. for like the 6th time that day. My eyes burned and my head ached.

I did not sleep that night because i am a light sleeper. Every time the staff did checks, they shone a flashlight in my eyes. It was quite irritating.

In the morning i was exhausted. I still had no underwear that they had taken away. I was embarrassed to ask for them back.

At lunch that day, i noticed the mean Girl, C, had my jeans on! I wanted them back! But i was to scared to ask.

She ended up keeping those jeans.

During free time, i hung in my tiny room coloring Care bear pictures.

I did not want to associate with the other girls. they were hard core. I was shy and innocent. I did not fit in.

But i survived a full 10 days in that psych ward. Going home was the best thing EVER!