Thank my mental illnesses for that!~

I Hate the way I talk. I slur my speech, i talk too fast and I make up words. People often have to ask me to slow down, speak clearer or repeat myself.

Its annoying for everyone, not just me.

It makes me feel bad.

My brain is over active. I often ask questions that to some may seem very random.

I have so much going on in my brain that stuff just pours out of my mouth.

It would not be healthy for me to keep it in my head.

I have to talk. Sometimes I talk too much.

You can thank my mental illnesses for that. xoxxx


Marriage and Divorce of my parents!

I have been through 2 divorces. Not ME, my parents.

My Dad and Mom divorced when I was 4. My dad got remarried when i was 7. My Mom got remarried when I was 8.

My Dad divorced his wife, my brother’s Mom, when i was 16.

My Dad remarried when I was 24.

I am used to changes. I went from normal to schizophrenic seemingly like over night.

I have been in and out of psych wards for 14 years.

I have to adjust meds often, just to stay sane.



I feel like a DRUG addict!~

I am scared to be happy. I am not sure why. I feel a little confused. It has to be my meds, it has to be.

I have been taking anxiety and anti psychotic pills since i was 16. I am 29 now.

Thats a long time. They still work, but I feel my body is depending on pills.

I try to use coping skills when I having a hard time. But sometimes. you just need a pill.

Its sad i plan my day around meds.

I look at the clock and count down till my next dosage of medication.

I feel like a drug addict. Its a shame.

But I am trying to distract myself when i get anxious. I dont know

“I like your nails~”

I have enough coping skills i have learned in school, therapy and psych wards. Enough to be able to live comfortably.

Mom saw a show once saying schizophrenics are the special ones. We see the world differently.

In a positive or negative way. I see the world as if every day is Christmas. I like to compliment people, just to make their day a little better.

I also have my fears about life, especially when I think about death 24/7

I used to be embarrassed about having mental illnesses. Unlike me, people with depression who may WANT to DIE.

Schizophrenia and depression are two totally different mental illnesses.

Depression and Anxiety were my first diagnose.

Although i agree i definitely have anxiety./ i Honestly don’t believe i suffer with depression…

Age 16 was the worst year of my LIFE!~

The day after I was diagnosed wit schizophrenia, everything changed, which seemed as if it were overnight.

I had a birthday. I turned 16. I got suspended. I went to psyciatrist. I was put on meds. I was hyper. I cut class. I cut my body. I threw up after meals. I heard voices. I saw Peter.

It was the worst year of my life, age 16.

Having such a serious mental illness changed me.

I got depressed. Lots of anxiety. I kinda stopped seeing friends.

I was hallucinating like crazy.

I dont know why it happened so fast. But it did.

After 13 years with mental illnesses, I still have some of the same issues.

Except for OCD. I only have had OCD for about 4 years, so its still new to me.

Back in time..

I wish I could go back in time. I would make so so many changes. I would have told my parents back when i started to hear voices. I wish i had known that hearing voices were not normal.

I would never had started cutting and throwing up after meals.

I would have never binged eated. I would still be in a size 2.

But then again, if i were diagnosed at age 7 when i started to hear voices, i would have lost not only my teen years, but my childhood too.

I dont know,


I thought it would be easier! Um. No.

I dont want to go to the psych ward. For three nights, i had fears i would end up there. It would have been my 16th time in 13 years.

I am just having a hard time. For once, it is not the voices. Its the counting, paranoid thoughts, anxiety, fears and depression.

I used to pray to God to give me depression over schizophrenia. I thought that would be easier to deal with.

Um, No.

I think anxiety and depression is WAY worse then hearing voices.

My heart beat is so fast. I cant stop crying. I temp to cut. (i didnt)

I am giving up. BUT I CANT!

I still have some fight in me. I can do this, and i will do this.

I am taking charge, so i am checking myself into a program for a few days. Just to adjust meds.

I hope things get better!>>