I would NEVER hurt ANYBODY!!~

I Lay in bed crying last night. I thought back to all the bad things i have ever done.

Cutting, puking after meals, locking people in bathrooms and closets, attempting a poison a girl, stabbing a boy with a pencil, trying to rip my teachers scalp off, lying, cheating, playing mean tricks and more.

I begged God for forgiveness. I really am not a bad person! All this happened from the time I was 14 to the age of 20.

For 9 years, its like i have been “Sober” I haven’t hurt or have urges to hurt others.

I dont want to be judged writing this a blog. I promise you, it wasnt the real me who did these bad things. It was a demon inside called schizophrenia.
She gives me the ability to hear and see things others cant. I get urges to do bad things.

But i have overcome SO much!!

I cant even imagine hurting another person. I would NEVER.

I just want to make sure i am going to heaven.

So Please, dear Lord…accept me into your heaven one day when the day to die comes..

Id appreciate it……



Counting LINT~

I am aware that somethings i do or think are not always well, normal. I am aware so that is a good thing.

I used to brush my teeth with a Barbie Doll’s foot. I name dust particles. I count red lights. I make friends with water bottles. I cant finish anything. I imagine needles in my eye. I hear voices. I turn the lights on and off 23 times. I cant put my left boot on.

I feel different from my friends. I am not out on Friday nights partying. I am at home, counting lint.

I get upset with myself! I really do.

THats the time i have urges to hurt myself. But i dont. I have not cut in a LONG TIME>

I am VERY proud of myself!!!!

Mental Illness, NOT DRUGS!!!!!

I really dont know why my old guidance councilor found me so interesting. She spent most of her time on me. watching me, talking to me, calling my parents and writing to teachers about me.

We all knew i had issues.

But the issues i had, were signs of mental illness, not DRUGS!

She was always there. everywhere i turned.

She stalked me.

When i was throwing up in a trash can, she appeared by my side and dragged me to the nurse.

Why wouldnt she leave me alone! I saw the note she sent to each of my teachers: Keep an Eye on Emily and report odd behaviors.

I felt like an outcast. Nobody else got the same negative attention i got.

I Hated that school. I hated ALL the staff. Worst school EVER!

I couldnt deal with academics AND Mental ILLNESS~

Nobody told me directly, “You have schizophrenia” I was put on meds for it and it was in my records, but nobody had the guts to say that word: I knew things were changing for me and quickly!

I would walk the halls at school, not even noticing my peers. I dont know how i made it class to class.

I Did not study for tests and it showed on my report card. I couldnt deal with academics along with mental illness.

I missed the class trip because i was started on a new medication the day before.

I always feel i am missing out on things.

I never went to parties or out on weekends.

I have more in common with my hallucinations then my classmates.

Its kinda sad.

I wish i could start my life over, and i wish i did not have mental illnesses….

In the beginning of MENTAL ILLNESS!!!

I remember passing out in second grade. Flat on the floor. I woke up to the teacher, nurse AND principal looking down at me. I was embarrassed.

But that was the beginning.

The beginning. Thats what i call when i started to show symptoms of mental illnesses. Anxiety came first.

My brother was born in 1996. I had bad anxiety while driving to the hopistal. What if my Dad loved him more then me?

I didnt want to meet him. I remember pinching my arm to calm down.

I first started seeing my hallucinations at the age of 9.

Billy. David Michael, Sari and Michelle #1 came into my life. I had vivid dreams that i made happen in real life. Like I dreamt I would throw up after eating an apple. So i did. because i choked on an apple one day, i was scared to eat. after every bite, i took a sip of water.

My Dad noticed something was wrong. I did not tell him i was hearing voices, because, i did not know everyone else could not. I thought it was normal.

I wrote my dad a letter saying i was scared, but not sure why.

I started at a new therapist when i was 11. I was SUPER shy, so we didnt accomplish much.

But I drew some distributing images she shared with my parents. i was embarrassed.

I got lots of blood work because something was defiantly wrong in my brain. I did not understand games we played in school. It took me awhile to learn things.

But it was a BIG surprise that when i turned 16, i got the biggest diagnosis yet! Schizophrenia.

This was all new to me. new feelings, new urges.

Pretty soon i was in my first psych ward… and 12 times after that.

BUT. These past few weeks, i have really been getting out there. coloring class, writing group, doing laps at the school and hanging iwth my friends. I feel great.


I was restraint and could NOT move!! White room, no windows.

My head was full of voices. LOUD, arguing voices. They were telling me to chop off my hands. I was screaming for the doctors to do so!

It took 4 men to get me into the restraint chair. They tied me down way too tight. I struggled so much!

My hands were shaking but couldnt move because of the restraints.

I was being too loud and disturbing other patients. So they wheeled me into a white room. White walls, white floor, white ceiling, no windows.

in the middle of the floor was a bed with belts. I knew what they were going to do, i knew it!

Sure enough, they unbelted me and as a team transferred me into the bed, I lay on a hard cold mattress crying as they hooked up belts on me. My arms and legs were tied down and a thick strap went across my waist. I couldnt breath because i was crying too hard.

“Help me” i called. THe 4 men left me and a lady sat in the doorway just observing me.

We met eye contact. She looked sorry for me. I could not stop resisting!

I struggled for a good hour. Finally i gave up and fell asleep. When i woke up there were two nurses. THey untied me. I followed them to my room. My favorite nurse tucked me into my bed.

She sat with me and we talked. I told her it was not fair the way they treated me.

“We had no choice love” She said gently.

Not a good day.

Smash that girl’s skull against the locker!!

Here are a few of the things the voices have told me in the past 12 years!

First of all, let me share the voices with you. Michelle #1 and Michelle #2 are the nice voices. i dont see them, i only hear them. “Nobody” Is my neutral voice. He tells me things to do that do not involve hurting anyone.

Peter is red headed dressed in all white. He was my second voice in my head. the first was Billy. Then I have Sassafras who is made of tree bark. Cereal is a word on my wall and Jack, John and David Michael are the mean voices!

Things the Michelle s have told me: “You could be a princess” “You have the prettiest eyes” “You are a good counter!”

Billy: “Throw me your underwear”

Peter: “Smash that girl’s skull against the locker” “Skip class” “Dont trust Mr VB” “Put an empty tick tack container in her scalp so when she rubs her hand, she bleeds”

Sassafras tells me to do things such as “Clap your hands, capture the dust and fry it under hot water, dump a cup of mouthwash in the toilet and flush three times”

they are very different from one another.

BUt i am so used to it by now, I dont even think about it when in the middle of the night Sassafras wakes me just to click my flash light on and off 11 times. i just do it and go back to bed.

That’s my life.