I started to listen to voices at the age of 8!!

I have always had a vivid imagination. Since i was little, i used to create stories with my Barbie dolls. I had MANY invisible friends, who were so real to me.

I dont know when, or how, but one day all those invisible friends, became a serious part of my life. I began talking to them as if i were talking to one of my classmates.

I started to listen to what they told me to do, at the age of 8.

Billy told me to throw my underwear out the window, so i did.

I attempted to strangle myself when i was about 10.

My new freinds that lived in my head were becoming a problem.

I was started in therapy at a very young age. But we never talked about those issues. It was always about my parents divorce.

If only i got help at the age of 8 instead of waiting till i was 16, my life may be different.

 

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Where it all began!:

I walked down the hall wondering who noticed me and who didnt. Did they know half the things i saw lately were hallucinations.

THey just assumed i was on drugs. But i wasnt.

I was an undiagnosed 15 year old girl. I wasnt on any medication, i didnt even like to take Advil.

I opened my locker and looked in my little locker mirror. I looked into my dark eyes. They seemed darker then usual.

I grabbed my notebook and went to class.

I was in English class, not hearing a word my teacher said. I was more interested in Cereal and numbers.

I guess my teacher noticed my lack of attention. He called me to the hall.

I backed up against the locker scared what he was going to do.

“You okay?” He asked. I nodded. He gave me a look like he didnt believe me.

So he sent me to my best friend, the guidance counselor. (not) She sent me to the nurse, my other best friend.

THey judged me when i was in a psychotic state. I could not help what i was doing. I got sent home early a lot.

Finally, my parents brought me to my very first shrink. I finally had a diagnosis. Depression.

I was put on Paxil. My very first medication.

Age 15, 16 and 17 were the toughest years of my life. I Had a lot of firsts.

First meds, first shrink, first diagnosis, first suspension, first hallucinations.

It was terrible!

All i wanted to do, was get out of that school.

when i turned 16, my parents took me out of that school. My prayers were answered and i was enrolled into a school that understood me and my actions.

I was finally happy.

 

Im CONFUSED, so CONFUSED!!!

I hit the wall once with my fist. I was angry. I wanted to cut. But i also did not want to go back to the hopistal.

I pulled my shirt sleeve up and sucked my arm. I sucked the blood from my skin leaving a satisfying bruise.

I lay back and laughed. I have a secret that i will never tell.

Laughter turned to tears. I felt bad, so bad.

I dont deserve to be happy. Jack tells me that all the time. Jack is my least favorite voice in my head.

I am not sure why God gave me the abilities to hear voices. Is it really a super power? Or do i really, truly have schizophrenia.

Id like to get off my meds. That would be a dream come true.

I put my pillow over my face and pressed it hard, suffocating myself. I couldnt breathe! I got scared i would pass out, so i took the pillow off and took a deep breath.

I am confused. So confused.

TWO personalities??~

When I am in the psych ward i am a totally different person that i am when i am free. Not sure why, but my voice changes. No joke.

I talk younger when i am locked up, really! I dont do it on purpos but its very obvious.

I make up words that dont make sense, even to me!

I try not to do it, but its just natural.

I like the person i am when i am locked up. I am more outgoing and happy. Its a stress free environment. SO i feel safe to be myself.

I dont know if its because i have schizophrenia, i mean is that the same as having two personalities?” i dont really know. I have never talked about it with my shrink.

SCARIEST NIGHT, EVER!!!!

I have had a lot of scary or disturbing experiences.

being restraint, locked in a psych ward, being strip searched, a catheter being put in….

But i remember the scariest day in my WHOLE life.

I had been on Seroqil for 3 months. It reacted bad with my body. I couldnt sleep, i was hyper, my legs wouldn’t stop moving when in bed. I was scared something was seriously wrong.

There was a night, it was at its worst. It was 2:00 am and i was racing around the house, i could not sit still!

I grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled on it ferociously.

My heart was racing.

I finally woke mom. By then the voices had started!

She couldnt calm me either! so we called 911. Thats when i had my first trip in an ambulance. I was SO scared.

I finally got to the ER. I was crazy! They put me in the restraint chair and i begged them to cut off my arms.

they decided to give me a shot, thank GOD! I fell asleep and slept the whole night. My first time sleeping over 3 hours since a long time!

That, was the scariest night. >EVER.

All because of the voices in my HEAD!~

I was totally out of it that day in August 2016. I was hearing voices telling me to stab my heart. I knew it was wrong. So i tattled on myself to Mom. I raced down the stairs and into the den. I told her i was hearing voices. I didnt tell her what they were saying.

I fell to the floor and sobbed. Mom decided I needed help, so she called 911.

I didnt want to go in the ambulance again! I shut my eyes tight hoping if i couldnt see the EMT’s, they couldnt see me.

they did. they said they just wanted to help.

so i agreed to lay on the stretcher. They strapped me down, which was NOT okay.

I started kicking and screaming. I reached for help from anyone. It was me and two EMT”s in the back of the ambulance. I took one of their hands and squeezed it. I was sweaty and hyperventilating.

We finally reached the ER.

I was rolled into a private room. I jumped out of bed and tried to escape. They caught me and restraint me. I was in a 5 buckled harness.

They faced me to the corner. I was humiliated.

I got my shot and i fell asleep. when i woke up both of my Dad’s were there by my side.

THey told me they were just waiting for a room in the psych ward to be available.

I started to cry. It had been a long night. I just wanted to go home.

this all happened, because of the stupid voices in my HEAD.

NO PSYCH WARD. PLEASE!!!

I am just laying in bed thinking. About death, of course. I am SO scared to die. I started to cry. I covered my ears with my hands trying to block the voices.

I couldnt stand it anymore, so i went to talk to Mom. She gave me a pill. I took it and cried some more.

20 minutes have passed and i feel much gooder.

I get scared when i feel this way. I am SOOO Scared of going back to the Psych Ward. I NEVER want to go back there. Ever.

I have so many flashbacks of psych wards. I wake up some nights not knowing where i am. I feel the straps holding my arms in place.

When i was restraint, i struggled SO much that when i was free, i was bruised all over.

Not a good memory.

My Mom said I shouldnt worry about death, not till im like 70.

But i believe the medication i am on is slowly killing me. I get confused often, I get sad.

I wish i could get off my meds. I take 18 pills a day. But i know where i would be if i did. The psych ward.