Too much, too young!

Did I ever think I would be diagnosed with schizophrenia at the age 16? Heck no. I had never even heard of the word.

I had too much going on in life at such a young age. Voices, new meds, new school, first visits to psychiatric wards..

It was the worst year of my life.

My anxiety level was high and i didnt fit in at school. There were all sorts of rumors about me which didnt help.

I walked down the hallway trying not to cry. I got in trouble a lot. I was struggling mentally and emotionally, academically too actually.

My principal put a lock on my locker when i got suspended. Of course everyone saw it and wondered why there was only one locked locker.

That drove even more unwanted attention to me. Sigh.

It was the best day ever when i left that school and got enrolled into a therapeutic school.

i graduated in 2007 and still have my two bffs i made in 10th grade!!

FINALLY MY DAYS A 10!!

Today is another good day! I feel amazing! I got my hair shampooed, cut and blow dried. Its cute.

I dont miss Riverside yet but its nice to know its there when i need it.

I am SO proud that i ended up there instead of the psych ward. At Riverside we had so much more freedom. We cooked ourselves too.

I got a lot out of the groups we had. One group was about depression. It was nice to hear that depression is so common and lots of people have it.

Schizophrenia is a little less common, but there were a few people with that too. I am glad i qualified for the program because i dont know how safe at the time i could be with out it.

Im home! NO VOICES IN MY HEAD= pretty weird.

I just got home. I was in the program Riverside for 5 days. it was so nice. I got to relax and meet some really nice people. I slept, cooked, cleaned, watched friends and played games. i also colored.

I had a good time, except for two incidents.

One, I was seeing men with guns and ants everywhere. I saw dolphins bleeding HIV. I heard people swearing and yelling at me.

I saw bloody eye balls and finger nails being bent backwards.
Scary.

The second incident had nothing to do with the voices. I was just dizzy. I couldnt feel my hands. They felt like they were not mine and they were cut off.

Overall it was nice. I hope to go again some day, but not anytime soon.

I am on a little higher dose of Haldol which helps with my voices,

My head is SO clear! I have no busy thoughts what so ever.

Its a little weird. I am used to a head FULL Of voices. But i think i could get used to this!!!

Elephant Blood.

What causes depression, when there is nothing to be depressed about? I guess its a chemical imbalance like schizophrenia.

I am having a really hard time lately. I cry a lot, i feel like self harming then an hour later, i am fine.

In order to be accepted into the inpaitnet program, i need to be evaluated. That always worries me.

I dont want to look dumb.

They ask me what the voices are telling me.

At this VERY moment, they are telling me to not drink blood from an elephant or my cousin will die.

Stupid stuff like that doesn’t concern me. Its when they tell me to cut or chock myself, or someone else, that, worries me.

Invisible Illness… MY illness

When I am walking down the street, i pass people and wonder what they are thinking. I do have mental illness, but you cant tell by looking at me.

Is schizophrenia considered an invisible illness? Sometimes i feel invisible.

I dont want attention, i want to be noticed, and not noticed by mental illness. there is so much more to me.

I am a very nice person, i am funny, kind, generous and a great friend.

I want people to notice my talents like photography and writing.

Yet i want people to be aware, mental illness is real. Schizophrenia is a real mental illness.

It can tear families apart, it can kill friendships.

I lost many friends because i have schizophrenia. People are scared of the unknown.

but if you want to know more, just ask. ❤

THE VOICES WANT ME TO BE MISERABLE

Here i am having a pretty good day. Music cheering me up, went for a walk. Then i go up to my room and the voices were no longer back ground noise.

Its like they want me to be miserable.

I never know with Jack, a voice in my head. One minute he’s my best friend telling me i could win an award.

then he is calling me a B***** and degrading me.

I challenged Jack today, which for some reason made me proud.

I lay in bed and just took all his mean thoughts. I said aloud “You cant hurt me” I said it 23 times. Unfortunately the voices were still there, but i felt a little better.

Then Nobody, another voice in my head, made me get up to get a tissue and rip it into 11 pieces and flush them down the toilet.

I tried challenging Nobody too, but he repeats himself. All i could hear was his annoying voice so i got out of bed to do the task he requested.

 

Temptations.. made it home safely.

Yesterday several times while in the car, i was tempted to take the wheel. This is not new. If i am not distracted, my mind wanders and I get temptations.

I was so close to doing it. I had to literally sit on my hands and turn the music up!

I have visions of us crashing and dying. that didnt stop me… I really wanted to do it!

BUt i didnt.

Same thing when i am depressed, i want to cut. I get SO Close to it, but i have to remind myself i will end up back in the psych ward. I never, ever want to go back there.

Basically, i am a strong person! I fight temptations daily. I feel proud when we get home safely.