I knocked 23 times before entering. ~

I walked down the street looking at the beautiful trees with yellow, red and orange leaves. I stepped over a puddle and stepped onto the soggy grass.

My shoes sunk into the mud.

I continued walking. I heard a car behind me. i turned around quickly to make sure they were not going to kidnap me.

They didnt, they just drove by. I let out a sigh of relief.

I reached the red house on the block. I held my breath and took 23 big steps to pass the house. I made it in 17 steps. I let out my breath and continued walking.

as i walked, i looked into the sky. I saw spirits all over. I gave them a wave and a smile.

“Kick the mailbox” Jack told me. So i did. Not hard, just enough.

Jack lives in my head.

I finished my walk and returned home. I tapped the door knob 23 times before entering.

 

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“Watering can, can you grant me a wish?”

I walked over to the painting of a watering can. I touched the painting with my hand. I raced to the dining room and got a cup of water. I dipped my hand in the water and dabbed the can’s spout.

“Watering can, can you grant me a wish?” i asked. I set the cup of water on the floor and sat on the rocking chair. I folded me hands to pray.

“I miss my family, i just wanna go home.. i have been here locked up for 9 days. 8 days too long..”

I stood up and forgot that the water was there, i kicked it over. I felt bad. I raced to get a towel. i moped up the water and then put it in the laundry.

it was group time. we were going to meet on the porch. I stared out of the fenced in porch.

I saw a little girl in a stroller. i waved to her. she waved back. that made my day. She was so cute!

we did our goals and did a coping skill group.

after group, i passed that painting again. I smiled to myself and went to my room.

My Dr came in and said i would be discharged in the morning!! I WAS SO EXCITED. THANK U WATERING CAN!!

 

I was ripping my hair out! It was NOT funny!~

I was always innocent and naive. I believed things i probably shouldn’t have. When i was in Westwood Lodge day therapy program, a guy drew a picture of a plant. He put the picture on a chair beside me and told me not to move it.

“It’s watching you” He told me. I was freaked out.

At lunch time, he brought the picture and set it on the table. i couldnt eat because i was scared of that plant.

I was in a panic.

I was so dumb!

But when i had to go to the bathroom, I went. That jerk slid that picture under the bathroom door. He was torching me!

I started to cry and spaz out. Lisa found me and brought me to her office. I was ripping out my hair. I was really out of it.

I finally told her what was going on. SHe talked to the jerk and he’s like “It was just a joke”

Not funny.

They overdosed me on meds in the ER.

I Hardly ever have psychotic episodes during the day, besides in the psych ward. But at home, i always have problems when its dark. I have never been to the ER before 9:30 pm.

Im not sure why. I seem to get depressed at night too. It must be lack of sunshine..idk.

I do prefer taking the ambulance to the ER Over my parents bringing me. I am scared I will jump out of the car if my Step DAd were to drive me, or take away the steering wheel.

I hate the ambulance too, but at least i feel safe.

I get bad vibes when i get to the ER> I get scared they will over dose me on medication…they did that before but fortunately i was okay.

I hate not remembering what happened. I blank out and wake up somewhere else. Kinda scary!

 

 

I am friends with dust particles. !~

I get shivers when i bite a towel. The squeaky noise on my teeth..ugh!

Last night i had a conversation with my clock. We played a game. I think of something bad, like a friend dying, and I have to wait till 2:30 am on the dot. I hold my breath and sing ABC’s in my head. I have to let my air out when its 2:31, on the dot. I look at my clock to see if i won. i didnt. I tried it three times then i got it! So i saved my friends life.

I have to get creative with my friends because i dont have many. So to you, being friends with a clock may sound, weird or whatever, but its not.

I am also friends with dust particles. I punch my pillow and dust swims in the air. I try to breath in the dust with my nose and out through my mouth, kinda therapeutic!

I am friends with tree bark too. I like to feel the textures of trees with my hands. That’s where i met sassafras. He was my lion made of tree bark at my old house!

I spazzed out and had to be restraint!~

I got in line to take my nighttime meds. The nurses were late. I usually took them at 9:00 pm, it was now 10:35 pm. Two people ahead of me, i waited.

finally it was my turn. The nurse scanned my ID bracelet and gave me my pills. I had to open my mouth with my fingers so she could make sure i swallowed them. I did.

“Night” I told the nurse. I went to my room and climbed under the covers. I shut my eyes but couldnt sleep. I tossed and turned for awhile. I was nervous. I knew after a certain amount of time, my meds would kick in and i would start hallucinating, like always.

Sure enough, 12:00 arrived. I got out of bed and wobbled out to the nurses station. the nighttime staff was there. I didnt know any of them.

I started to cry.

“You ok?” One nurse asked me. I sat on the floor and wrapped my arms around my legs and cried.

She came over and asked if i wanted a PRN. I did, but i couldnt walk. i told her that. So she helped me to the nurses office. She did my bracelet and gave me an as needed pill.

“I Cant sleep” i said.

So Beth and i did a puzzle. SOmething in my brain happened then. I spazzed out. I started to bite my arms. Beth held down my arms. I kicked the puzzle over.

“Megan!” Beth called. Megan came running.

all the sudden there were 5 people on top of me, including 2 men which i did not appreciate…

I screamed and cried. They carried me to my room and lay me in my bed, still pinning me down.

my arms were bleeding from scrapes from my nails. All the sudden, i felt the needle in my arm..I HATE that needle, i had it once before.

I went limp. I felt dead. my eyes were sealed shut. When i opened them again, all i saw was a sitter sitting beside me.

“How are you?” She asked me.

“Good” i mumbled. I turned over and fell back to sleep till morning. what a night!!

 

 

I could go to jail, it would be just like a dream!~

If i see spirits ALL the time, and my therapist calls it a hallucination, does that mean i am hallucinating 24/7?

I consider when i am hearing voices or seeing things, thats when i am hallucinating.

But spirits are just, there.

I dont think i am on a med to stop the spirits from visiting me. Sometimes i feel i dont know reality from fantasy.

Like the fact that i couldnt possibly get in trouble if i hurt someone..it just seems like its not possible.

I worry about myself doing something illegal. I could go to jail and to me, it would just be like a dream.

Im Emily. I am 29. I am schizophrenic.