The Hall to FREEDOM!

There was a door. It was metal and locked up tight. It was late at the psych ward. I was having a hard time.

I turned the knob praying it would open.

It didnt.

I peered out the door’s glass window. Down the long hall, the hall to freedom, I saw a janitor moping the floors.

I knocked on the door.

He didnt hear me. I knocked louder.

He looked up, our eyes met.

I gave a wave, he gave me a nod.

I went back to bed but couldnt sleep.

I tossed and turned.

at 3:00 am, i gave up. I went to the staff window. It was third shift.

“I cant sleep” i said.

“Wanna play a game?” ARabella asked me. I nodded.

so we played UNO. I finally got tired and went to bed.

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I was ready to slice my wrists!~

My Dad and his ex wife had a fight. Dad left. I was stuck with a women who hates me.

I went to my room and sat on my bed. I started to cry. I hugged my pillow to my chest.

I needed my Dad. Why doesn’t he bring me with him?

I looked out the window in the sky. There were a handful of stars.

I missed my Mom so bad.

I made a prayer to keep her safe.

I climbed into bed and under the covers.

I cried so hard my pillow was soaked.

Dad finally came home. I didnt talk to him. i was mad he left me.

That night i considered ending my life.

Back then i didnt think suicide as selfish like i do now.

I had the scissors in one hand.

I was ready to slice my wrists.

But something stopped me. I am not sure what. i put the scissors away and went to bed.

I woke up the next morning, happy to be alive!!!!

 

My invisible friends…

I am running on low on friends. I really dont have much in common with anyone. It makes me sad. So i am going back to having invisible friends. Miley. I have not used her as a friend in awhile. I know i am too old for invisible friends, but:

1: I know they aren’t real

2:I can make them say or do whatever is in my imagination.

Miley is EMILY spelt mixed up.

She is my twin. I can talk to her about everything and anything.

I am not ashamed.

I dont care if I still like Barbie Dolls. I am unique.

I love therapy!

I love therapy. I go weekly. Its the only 50 minutes a week where i can talk about ANYTHING i want!

My therapist S is AWESOME. She’s 70 years old. She has purple hair and tons of cool jewelry.

She is honest and trustworthy.

I have a lot of issues to address. I feel like i missed out on life growing up.

Instead of partying, clubs and such, i was locked up in psych wards, adjusting medication.

I never once went out on a Friday night.

I never had a REAL job, never went to college.

No boyfriend, no kids.

I want to get out to do more to keep me busy.

Yep, you only live once..and i am not living!

 

Nighttime in the psych ward: Lonely

 

I feel SO much gooder today! I am VERY proud of myself. Last night was rough. I felt very anxious and heart was racing. I felt terrible. I ALMOST asked Mom to call 911.

But i didnt and i am GLAD> I really cant spend one more day in the psych ward.

I have been admitted into the psych ward 13 times in my life. Sometimes its a nice break from life.

Its nice having staff 24/7 there for you.

But at night its so lonely. I call my Mom over 15 times a day.

But the psych ward i have been in the last 5 or 6 times, was 2S and fortunately its local. About 15 minutes from home.

It also has the least amount of rules of any other psych ward i have been in.

 

 

Lonely Friday Night..

I just got randomly sad. Around 6:00 pm every night for past few weeks, i get sad or anxious. EVERY NIGHT!

There is nothing to be sad about, i have a great life!

My heart is racing so i took a pill. It will kick in soon, i hope.

I had a nice day. I went to Family Dollar and got some new makeup. Makeup makes me happy. I have A LOT. I like to swatch them and organize them.

I feel kinda lonely tonight.

I miss something, but not sure what it is.

Its Friday night and were am I? At home in my PJ’s. I should be out with friends.