There was a door. It was metal and locked up tight. It was late at the psych ward. I was having a hard time.
I turned the knob praying it would open.
I peered out the door’s glass window. Down the long hall, the hall to freedom, I saw a janitor moping the floors.
I knocked on the door.
He didnt hear me. I knocked louder.
He looked up, our eyes met.
I gave a wave, he gave me a nod.
I went back to bed but couldnt sleep.
I tossed and turned.
at 3:00 am, i gave up. I went to the staff window. It was third shift.
“I cant sleep” i said.
“Wanna play a game?” ARabella asked me. I nodded.
so we played UNO. I finally got tired and went to bed.
My Dad and his ex wife had a fight. Dad left. I was stuck with a women who hates me.
I went to my room and sat on my bed. I started to cry. I hugged my pillow to my chest.
I needed my Dad. Why doesn’t he bring me with him?
I looked out the window in the sky. There were a handful of stars.
I missed my Mom so bad.
I made a prayer to keep her safe.
I climbed into bed and under the covers.
I cried so hard my pillow was soaked.
Dad finally came home. I didnt talk to him. i was mad he left me.
That night i considered ending my life.
Back then i didnt think suicide as selfish like i do now.
I had the scissors in one hand.
I was ready to slice my wrists.
But something stopped me. I am not sure what. i put the scissors away and went to bed.
I woke up the next morning, happy to be alive!!!!
I am running on low on friends. I really dont have much in common with anyone. It makes me sad. So i am going back to having invisible friends. Miley. I have not used her as a friend in awhile. I know i am too old for invisible friends, but:
1: I know they aren’t real
2:I can make them say or do whatever is in my imagination.
Miley is EMILY spelt mixed up.
She is my twin. I can talk to her about everything and anything.
I am not ashamed.
I dont care if I still like Barbie Dolls. I am unique.
I love therapy. I go weekly. Its the only 50 minutes a week where i can talk about ANYTHING i want!
My therapist S is AWESOME. She’s 70 years old. She has purple hair and tons of cool jewelry.
She is honest and trustworthy.
I have a lot of issues to address. I feel like i missed out on life growing up.
Instead of partying, clubs and such, i was locked up in psych wards, adjusting medication.
I never once went out on a Friday night.
I never had a REAL job, never went to college.
No boyfriend, no kids.
I want to get out to do more to keep me busy.
Yep, you only live once..and i am not living!
I feel SO much gooder today! I am VERY proud of myself. Last night was rough. I felt very anxious and heart was racing. I felt terrible. I ALMOST asked Mom to call 911.
But i didnt and i am GLAD> I really cant spend one more day in the psych ward.
I have been admitted into the psych ward 13 times in my life. Sometimes its a nice break from life.
Its nice having staff 24/7 there for you.
But at night its so lonely. I call my Mom over 15 times a day.
But the psych ward i have been in the last 5 or 6 times, was 2S and fortunately its local. About 15 minutes from home.
It also has the least amount of rules of any other psych ward i have been in.
I just got randomly sad. Around 6:00 pm every night for past few weeks, i get sad or anxious. EVERY NIGHT!
There is nothing to be sad about, i have a great life!
My heart is racing so i took a pill. It will kick in soon, i hope.
I had a nice day. I went to Family Dollar and got some new makeup. Makeup makes me happy. I have A LOT. I like to swatch them and organize them.
I feel kinda lonely tonight.
I miss something, but not sure what it is.
Its Friday night and were am I? At home in my PJ’s. I should be out with friends.