I get shivers when i bite a towel. The squeaky noise on my teeth..ugh!
Last night i had a conversation with my clock. We played a game. I think of something bad, like a friend dying, and I have to wait till 2:30 am on the dot. I hold my breath and sing ABC’s in my head. I have to let my air out when its 2:31, on the dot. I look at my clock to see if i won. i didnt. I tried it three times then i got it! So i saved my friends life.
I have to get creative with my friends because i dont have many. So to you, being friends with a clock may sound, weird or whatever, but its not.
I am also friends with dust particles. I punch my pillow and dust swims in the air. I try to breath in the dust with my nose and out through my mouth, kinda therapeutic!
I am friends with tree bark too. I like to feel the textures of trees with my hands. That’s where i met sassafras. He was my lion made of tree bark at my old house!
I picked up an ant in my fingers and squished out his guts. I wiped my fingers on the grass, smearing guts all over. I walked inside and opened and shut the front door 12 times. I locked the door and peered out the window to see if i was being followed.
I got a mug from the cabinet. I felt the textures with my hands, it was very relaxing. I grabbed the lemonade from the fridge. I poured some into the mug. I blew the germs off my fingers and dipped my pointer finger in the lemonade to make sure I would not get acid in my body.
I gulped down my drink and set it on the window sill to get some sunlight. I trudged upstairs and skipped the 3rd step on purpose.
In my room i looked around. It needed to be cleaned.
So i made my bed, tidied up and vacuumed. I looked out the window wishing I could fly.
but i cant.
at night time i take my meds. I usually take all 17 at once. Sometimes the clozapine gets stuck in my throat and dissolves.
It tastes terrible!!
Anyways, drive safely.
I was in a good mood. I danced my way down the sidewalk. I jumped over a puddle. I stood at the crosswalk and all the cars stopped for me to cross. I waved to them and skipped across the street. I sang to myself, i was having a great day. I saw someone i knew from work and gave her a wave. Something shiny lay ahead on the sidewalk. it was a penny. In my head i said, “if its the year 1998 i win a point”
I cant believe my luck! I decided to test my luck. I picked up a handful of grass and put it in my pocket.
I looked at the sun and prayed I stay safe as i crossed the street with out looking both ways, If i got hit, well, i am not sure what would happen.
but i didn’t. i crossed the street again. no cars in sight.
i emptied the grass from my pocket and dropped the penny down the drain.
I went to the town church and sat on the grass. I lay down and crossed my arms like a mummy.
I felt close to death. But i was alive.
I get confused sometimes.
Things i am into these days:
Working at the senior center
Looking at Barbies online
Doing the dishes
Doing math in my head at night
I had a lovely day. I went out to breakfast with Bill. I had pancakes. Then we went to $ General. I got a tumbler cup. It was $2.
I have a clear mind today, hardly any voices. I can concentrate and dont feel i need to do a million things at once.
I am not hungry today for some reason. I had one pancake and i am still full 6 hours later. i guess thats a good thing.
Id rate today a 10/10.
I love days like these when i am not paranoid or constantly thinking of death!
I have been counting more then usual. About a year ago, the counting was BAD. Then it got gooder. Then it almost stopped. Now it started again, but its not BAD, just annoying.
I am writing my stories with the TV on in the background, a Cover Girl mascara commercial comes on. My eyes are drawn to the commercial and i cant blink for 23 seconds. By then the commercial is almost over, i blink and i gain a point.
I save my points for when i really need them. Like if i have a headache, i use the point/wish to get rid of it. Sometimes it doesnt work, but i wont give up.
I also take a section of my hair and try to count to 23 strands.
23 is a very important number for me, it always has been, not sure why.
My life, is based around that number.
I take 23 steps outside till i reach the next mailbox. I hold my breath and count to 23 to the next one.
This isnt an EVERY day thing. Some days i am blessed and dont count at all, those days, are my favorite.
I haven’t blogged in a few days, but i am doing GREAT!
I had therapy on Wednesday, it went well, we talked about a lot.
I went back to Meals on Wheels and made a friend. (She’s 24)
Today i went outside for a half an hour with out getting bored.
I helped my step Dad with the lawn mower which made me proud!
I have been emptying and loading the dishwasher with out being asked.
My friend CC came over to help me clean.
I am on a 30 day waiting list for Rehab center. (Mental rehab not physical)
i just been doing great!
I am happy, healthy, safe and loved xoxo