I feel really good today!! I had no bad thoughts, no counting, no voices, no spirits, no cereal.
I LOVE days like these!!
I went to Lunch with Bill. I had tomato soup and grilled cheese. It was yum.
then we went to Michael’s crafts store and Dollar General.
I didnt buy anything because i am broke.
I get paid on the 3rd of November. I gotta start Christmas shopping soon too. I have lots of people to shop for this year!
I took a bath and got soap in my eyes. they are burning.
For dinner we had chicken, rice and peas.
Overall, great day.
Being an adult is hard. Its a responsibility i am just not ready for. I cant take care of myself, all by myself. I dont know how to drive, i cant pay bills. I dont know how to set up my many medications. I would be lost with out my parents.
I hate going on vacation away from Mom because i worry something will happen. I know she’s tough and i dont have to worry.
BUt she does so much for me, its hard to not coddle her.
I used to consider i was 11 years old. Actually, I insisted.
I was a 11 year girl trapped in a 26 year old body.
with help from my therapist, i got over that issue. I now know I am not a little kid anymore. Sometimes i get sad because life used to be so simple.
I get shivers when i bite a towel. The squeaky noise on my teeth..ugh!
Last night i had a conversation with my clock. We played a game. I think of something bad, like a friend dying, and I have to wait till 2:30 am on the dot. I hold my breath and sing ABC’s in my head. I have to let my air out when its 2:31, on the dot. I look at my clock to see if i won. i didnt. I tried it three times then i got it! So i saved my friends life.
I have to get creative with my friends because i dont have many. So to you, being friends with a clock may sound, weird or whatever, but its not.
I am also friends with dust particles. I punch my pillow and dust swims in the air. I try to breath in the dust with my nose and out through my mouth, kinda therapeutic!
I am friends with tree bark too. I like to feel the textures of trees with my hands. That’s where i met sassafras. He was my lion made of tree bark at my old house!
I picked up an ant in my fingers and squished out his guts. I wiped my fingers on the grass, smearing guts all over. I walked inside and opened and shut the front door 12 times. I locked the door and peered out the window to see if i was being followed.
I got a mug from the cabinet. I felt the textures with my hands, it was very relaxing. I grabbed the lemonade from the fridge. I poured some into the mug. I blew the germs off my fingers and dipped my pointer finger in the lemonade to make sure I would not get acid in my body.
I gulped down my drink and set it on the window sill to get some sunlight. I trudged upstairs and skipped the 3rd step on purpose.
In my room i looked around. It needed to be cleaned.
So i made my bed, tidied up and vacuumed. I looked out the window wishing I could fly.
but i cant.
at night time i take my meds. I usually take all 17 at once. Sometimes the clozapine gets stuck in my throat and dissolves.
It tastes terrible!!
Anyways, drive safely.
I was in a good mood. I danced my way down the sidewalk. I jumped over a puddle. I stood at the crosswalk and all the cars stopped for me to cross. I waved to them and skipped across the street. I sang to myself, i was having a great day. I saw someone i knew from work and gave her a wave. Something shiny lay ahead on the sidewalk. it was a penny. In my head i said, “if its the year 1998 i win a point”
I cant believe my luck! I decided to test my luck. I picked up a handful of grass and put it in my pocket.
I looked at the sun and prayed I stay safe as i crossed the street with out looking both ways, If i got hit, well, i am not sure what would happen.
but i didn’t. i crossed the street again. no cars in sight.
i emptied the grass from my pocket and dropped the penny down the drain.
I went to the town church and sat on the grass. I lay down and crossed my arms like a mummy.
I felt close to death. But i was alive.
I get confused sometimes.
Things i am into these days:
Working at the senior center
Looking at Barbies online
Doing the dishes
Doing math in my head at night
I had a lovely day. I went out to breakfast with Bill. I had pancakes. Then we went to $ General. I got a tumbler cup. It was $2.
I have a clear mind today, hardly any voices. I can concentrate and dont feel i need to do a million things at once.
I am not hungry today for some reason. I had one pancake and i am still full 6 hours later. i guess thats a good thing.
Id rate today a 10/10.
I love days like these when i am not paranoid or constantly thinking of death!