I poured my nighttime meds into my hand taking them all at once. I had a lot on my mind. Im not sure how to relate with others who dont have mental illness. I feel we are at different places in life.
My meds make me slur my words, making me repeat myself over and over for others to understand.
HOw can you really understand schizophrenia when you dont have it?
Turn on the radio (LOUD) the blender (LOUD) the TV (LOUD) and the lawn mower (LOUD)
That is how my head feels like when i am hearing voices. Sometimes the voices are so fast, i cant make out what they are saying!
When its really bad, i cover my ears. Like it helps, which it doesnt.
I feel really good today!! I had no bad thoughts, no counting, no voices, no spirits, no cereal.
I LOVE days like these!!
I went to Lunch with Bill. I had tomato soup and grilled cheese. It was yum.
then we went to Michael’s crafts store and Dollar General.
I didnt buy anything because i am broke.
I get paid on the 3rd of November. I gotta start Christmas shopping soon too. I have lots of people to shop for this year!
I took a bath and got soap in my eyes. they are burning.
For dinner we had chicken, rice and peas.
Overall, great day.
Being an adult is hard. Its a responsibility i am just not ready for. I cant take care of myself, all by myself. I dont know how to drive, i cant pay bills. I dont know how to set up my many medications. I would be lost with out my parents.
I hate going on vacation away from Mom because i worry something will happen. I know she’s tough and i dont have to worry.
BUt she does so much for me, its hard to not coddle her.
I used to consider i was 11 years old. Actually, I insisted.
I was a 11 year girl trapped in a 26 year old body.
with help from my therapist, i got over that issue. I now know I am not a little kid anymore. Sometimes i get sad because life used to be so simple.
I get shivers when i bite a towel. The squeaky noise on my teeth..ugh!
Last night i had a conversation with my clock. We played a game. I think of something bad, like a friend dying, and I have to wait till 2:30 am on the dot. I hold my breath and sing ABC’s in my head. I have to let my air out when its 2:31, on the dot. I look at my clock to see if i won. i didnt. I tried it three times then i got it! So i saved my friends life.
I have to get creative with my friends because i dont have many. So to you, being friends with a clock may sound, weird or whatever, but its not.
I am also friends with dust particles. I punch my pillow and dust swims in the air. I try to breath in the dust with my nose and out through my mouth, kinda therapeutic!
I am friends with tree bark too. I like to feel the textures of trees with my hands. That’s where i met sassafras. He was my lion made of tree bark at my old house!
I picked up an ant in my fingers and squished out his guts. I wiped my fingers on the grass, smearing guts all over. I walked inside and opened and shut the front door 12 times. I locked the door and peered out the window to see if i was being followed.
I got a mug from the cabinet. I felt the textures with my hands, it was very relaxing. I grabbed the lemonade from the fridge. I poured some into the mug. I blew the germs off my fingers and dipped my pointer finger in the lemonade to make sure I would not get acid in my body.
I gulped down my drink and set it on the window sill to get some sunlight. I trudged upstairs and skipped the 3rd step on purpose.
In my room i looked around. It needed to be cleaned.
So i made my bed, tidied up and vacuumed. I looked out the window wishing I could fly.
but i cant.
at night time i take my meds. I usually take all 17 at once. Sometimes the clozapine gets stuck in my throat and dissolves.
It tastes terrible!!
Anyways, drive safely.
I was in a good mood. I danced my way down the sidewalk. I jumped over a puddle. I stood at the crosswalk and all the cars stopped for me to cross. I waved to them and skipped across the street. I sang to myself, i was having a great day. I saw someone i knew from work and gave her a wave. Something shiny lay ahead on the sidewalk. it was a penny. In my head i said, “if its the year 1998 i win a point”
I cant believe my luck! I decided to test my luck. I picked up a handful of grass and put it in my pocket.
I looked at the sun and prayed I stay safe as i crossed the street with out looking both ways, If i got hit, well, i am not sure what would happen.
but i didn’t. i crossed the street again. no cars in sight.
i emptied the grass from my pocket and dropped the penny down the drain.
I went to the town church and sat on the grass. I lay down and crossed my arms like a mummy.
I felt close to death. But i was alive.
I get confused sometimes.
Things i am into these days:
Working at the senior center
Looking at Barbies online
Doing the dishes
Doing math in my head at night