I sat in the front seat of my Step Dad’s car. It was late at night, we were driving home from the Hopistal. Mom was on dialysis at the time. I looked out at the stars and moon. My eyes filled with tears.
I wanted my Mom home so bad. Its been 2 months already. She was so sick, the doctor said she would probably not make it..
I prayed all day everyday for the whole 3 months mom was in the hopistal.
But she made it.
Mom got stronger, her kidneys were functioning again…it was a miracle.
I love you Mom, my best friend for life, thank you for not leaving me ❤
My family has no luck. When I was 12 my step Dad had a cardiac arrest. He went into the hopistal. Several times in the next few years Bob went back into the hopistal for heart issues. Bob also has sleep apnea, COPD, osteoporosis and had mrsa.
Our luck doesnt end there.
My Mom went into the hopistal for kidney failure. She had a urinary track infection too and was on dialysis for 6 weeks. Mom also has neuropathy and cant walk well. she is in constant pain.
Then there is me. I dont have physical handicapped. i have mental issues. I went to the hopistal 13 times for reasons such as hearing voices.
But we survived. We are a strong family and made it through some tough times. Both Mom and BOb had very little chance of surviving. But they did. We are always there for each other in hard times. I wouldnt change my family for anything xooxx
I sat on a bench at the park. I imagined myself running into the road, laying down and getting smushed.
I thought back to my therapy session where i mentioned this little fantasy. MA told me to make the situation into something funny, like getting off the road and dancing my way back to the side walk.
Im in the car, praying i wont take the wheel and crash. I do all i can to distract myself. Music, texting, even pinching my arms.
I walk up the ramp to my therapist’s building. I touch the rail and look at my hand. I could see the germs. I raced into her office. I washed my hands and checked in.
I sat in the waiting room thinking everyone was watching me. I squinted my eyes which is what i do when i am nervous.
soon my therapist calls my name.
I follow her to the room we had requested. I sit down across from her. My knee jiggled.
I imagine myself throwing the chair at the window. But i dont, i am stronger than that!!
when i get home, i take my dog for a walk. I see a little girl and imagine kidnapping her.
I get the worst urges ever like hurting people and animals.
I fear going to jail, but that seems so unreal. I gotta be careful what i do. because if i really did kidnap someone, thats exactly where i would go!
I once choked on an apple when i was like 9 years old. It scared me, even though i coughed it up and i was okay. It scared me so much, that I was scared to eat! I took a sip of milk, juice or water, after EVERY bite. I was so scared of choking.
that went on for awhile and for some reason i got depressed because of it. My Dad asked me what was wrong but i didnt want to say. I am not sure why.
But i decided to write Dad a note. it said how i was scared about eating and that brought up other fears.
I think that is the first time, my brain had a chemical imbalance. I Dont think i had schizophrenia, not yet. But i did have depression. Its weird, but i think choking caused it!
That may not make sense.
But mental illness doesn’t always make sense.
Its so complicated.
Yes lord. I know. I had a dream that i cured cancer. I did an amazing discovery which i can not remember the equation to when awake.
Yes lord. I know. I know people are relying on me to save them. I know its my job.
I have to save the world. But how can I if i cant remember my dreams. as soon as my eyes open, my mind goes blank.
I am sorry i cant cure cancer. You can blame it on me and i will work on it.
Today in therapy, MA and i got a lot accomplished. I always tell her how i cant finish a song because i want all the songs to get equal amount of attention.
She told me its like therapy. Each paintent gets equal attention. Just listen to the whole song. if i cant finish, there it always tomorrow.
I got blood work for the 3rd time this month. my clozapine levels were lower then they should be, meaning my white blood count is low.
I Hate getting blood work, but you gotta do what you gotta do!
I am having a great day. Last night wasn’t tooo great. I woke up every hour to look at the time.
Time is so important to me because time doesn’t last forever.
I didnt hear voices last night, but my mind was super busy! I was trying to do what my therapist suggested. Dont sleep when you are not tired.
Even though i hardly slept last night, i wasn’t tired when i got out of bed at least.
I had a teeth cleaning today at my favorite dentists, DR O.
I LOVE everyone there they are super nice! They even put a nice warm blanket on me while they are working on my teeth.
I feel really comfortable there.
After my teeth were clean, i got a goody bag! In it was a toothbrush, paste, floss and mouthwash.