“I feel weird” ~

I remember being on new medications. One time at Waltham Behavioral Psych ward, i was put on..Lithium i think? It made me hallucinate like crazy. I remember the day i didnt recognize my Dad. I just touched his face. I dont remember anything else about that day. Somehow i went from visiting my Dad in the den, to being in bed, in my PJ’s…I dont remember changing, or walking there. But when i woke up, It was early the next morning. My new medication had finally worn off..

I climbed out of bed, i could hardly walk, i felt tall and the world felt small. I stumbled to the nurses station.

“You okay Emily?” Stephanie asked me.

“I feel weird” i said. She took my hand and led me back to my room. I lay in bed as she recited a Friends episode, my fave show.

i fell asleep with a smile on my face. i was so grateful for Stephanie..its nice when the staff REALLY care!! ❤

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Hallucinating is SCARY!~

I keep having weird dreams that wake me up around 2;00 am. The other night, i woke up at 2:00 am and packed my bags for the hopistal.

I had flashbacks about being in the psych ward. I was half asleep. I packed my bags and went back to bed.

My meds had kicked in by then, and they make me hallucinate. Which is ironic because the meds are to help me NOT hallucinate.

My hands arent’s mine when i hallucinate. I feel really tall and dizzy. The floor has bubbles and the walls close in on me.

I Cried and cried.

when i cry a lot, i get a headache. i had a bad one. I felt scared. I am usually asleep when the meds kick in.

experiencing hallucinations of any kind, are SUPER scary!!

 

OVERACTIVE IMAGINATION! ~

Being little was so much fun. I had quite the imagination that if i talked about at the age i am now, would it be considered hallucinations?

My mind has always been overactive. I had unicorn friends, friends with tree bark and dust particles.

I had a friend named Billy that would visit me at night. I had dreams of he and i running away together, into a world with no pain and violence.

I would wake up with a smile just thinking of him.

Billy went away, so did the unicorn friend, when i grew up.

My invisible friends were now living in my head. I could hear them, but i couldn’t see them. It was quite irritating.

I dont know if i like being an adult. It was so much easier being a carefree 9 year old.

I still have invisible friends but unfortunately are not as real as they used to feel..

PSYCHOTIC EPISODES!!!!!

When i am having a psychotic episode, every time is different, yet the same.

I can ALWAYS tell when an episode is going to happen.

It always starts with those dang voices. They degrade and humiliate me!

I start to cry.

I go tell whatever parent or adult that is around, what is going on.

I start to cry harder and everything BLOWS up!

After the voices, i start seeing things that are not really there. I See dead people, needles in eyes, knifes in throats, men with guns, parachuting ants, spiders…

It. is. scary.

At the ER, they give me a shot which helps immediately.

at home its a bit harder, but what usually helps is taking my nighttime pills. Thats when i take Clozapine, a STRONG anti psychotic medication.

When i was younger, i had these episodes quite often.

Now not so much, but when i do, it SUX!

 

Hallucination: MAN WITH A GUN

I had a HARD< TERRIBLE NIGHT.

I was upstairs. It was 7:00 pm, I was watching Friends. All the sudden, a voice i never heard, started to yell at me!

I started to cry and ran downstairs. Then i was scared of ice or something.

My Mom and Bob did a GREAT job calming me down. They were gonna call 911, BUT they didnt and About 2 hours later, i was GREAT!

I DIDNT GO TO THE ER! I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF!!

I remember seeing a man with a gun, but it turned out to be a hallucination.

I took my nighttime pills and fell asleep.

My Mom and BOB were very proud of me too.

And today, i feel great!

I saw people on my wall hurting eachother!

I had a strange night. I took my meds early, around 8:30 pm. I went to bed but couldn’t fall asleep.

I watched Teen Mom for a bit, and got some water. No sleep.

The meds kicked in and they were strong. I had a bad feeling i was going to die in my sleep. So i fighted my sleep.

I started to hallucinate seeing images on my wall of people hurting each other.

I squeezed my eyes shut but i could get the pictures out of my head.

I Started to cry.

The world was spinning and i couldnt feel my hands.

i finally fell asleep into a deep sleep. I THOUGHT it was morning when i opened my eyes but only one hour had passed.
I HATE SLEEPING, I HATE NIGHTIME.

I created an invisible friend…..

I created a best friend. Her name is Miley. She is my twin. We are identical.

I use her when i am sad or lonely. I decide what she says and we never argue.

Thats how lonely I am, i have to create friends to be happy.

Last night i lay in bed beside Miley and we just talked and talked. I dont know if this is normal or not…

I mean being 28 and having an invisible friend. I DO feel much happier with Miley, i gotta admit. And since i have had her around, i feel less alone.

I dont bring it to the extreme, like making dinner for Miley. She is just there when i need a friend. I have actual conversations with her.

I hope this doesn’t mean i am a weirdo or whatever ❤