Being little was so much fun. I had quite the imagination that if i talked about at the age i am now, would it be considered hallucinations?
My mind has always been overactive. I had unicorn friends, friends with tree bark and dust particles.
I had a friend named Billy that would visit me at night. I had dreams of he and i running away together, into a world with no pain and violence.
I would wake up with a smile just thinking of him.
Billy went away, so did the unicorn friend, when i grew up.
My invisible friends were now living in my head. I could hear them, but i couldn’t see them. It was quite irritating.
I dont know if i like being an adult. It was so much easier being a carefree 9 year old.
I still have invisible friends but unfortunately are not as real as they used to feel..
When i am having a psychotic episode, every time is different, yet the same.
I can ALWAYS tell when an episode is going to happen.
It always starts with those dang voices. They degrade and humiliate me!
I start to cry.
I go tell whatever parent or adult that is around, what is going on.
I start to cry harder and everything BLOWS up!
After the voices, i start seeing things that are not really there. I See dead people, needles in eyes, knifes in throats, men with guns, parachuting ants, spiders…
It. is. scary.
At the ER, they give me a shot which helps immediately.
at home its a bit harder, but what usually helps is taking my nighttime pills. Thats when i take Clozapine, a STRONG anti psychotic medication.
When i was younger, i had these episodes quite often.
Now not so much, but when i do, it SUX!
I had a HARD< TERRIBLE NIGHT.
I was upstairs. It was 7:00 pm, I was watching Friends. All the sudden, a voice i never heard, started to yell at me!
I started to cry and ran downstairs. Then i was scared of ice or something.
My Mom and Bob did a GREAT job calming me down. They were gonna call 911, BUT they didnt and About 2 hours later, i was GREAT!
I DIDNT GO TO THE ER! I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF!!
I remember seeing a man with a gun, but it turned out to be a hallucination.
I took my nighttime pills and fell asleep.
My Mom and BOB were very proud of me too.
And today, i feel great!
I had a strange night. I took my meds early, around 8:30 pm. I went to bed but couldn’t fall asleep.
I watched Teen Mom for a bit, and got some water. No sleep.
The meds kicked in and they were strong. I had a bad feeling i was going to die in my sleep. So i fighted my sleep.
I started to hallucinate seeing images on my wall of people hurting each other.
I squeezed my eyes shut but i could get the pictures out of my head.
I Started to cry.
The world was spinning and i couldnt feel my hands.
i finally fell asleep into a deep sleep. I THOUGHT it was morning when i opened my eyes but only one hour had passed.
I HATE SLEEPING, I HATE NIGHTIME.
I created a best friend. Her name is Miley. She is my twin. We are identical.
I use her when i am sad or lonely. I decide what she says and we never argue.
Thats how lonely I am, i have to create friends to be happy.
Last night i lay in bed beside Miley and we just talked and talked. I dont know if this is normal or not…
I mean being 28 and having an invisible friend. I DO feel much happier with Miley, i gotta admit. And since i have had her around, i feel less alone.
I dont bring it to the extreme, like making dinner for Miley. She is just there when i need a friend. I have actual conversations with her.
I hope this doesn’t mean i am a weirdo or whatever ❤
Sara sat there in the ER. It was 3:02 am. Her parents just left to go home. She was all alone, a staff checked on her now and then. It had been a rough day. Sara had started out her day by hearing a bad voice telling her to lay in the middle of the road. She did so. Her parents found her and called 911 when she refused to get up. the police and EMTs arrived. They loaded her into an ambulance.
The ride to the ER was hell.
Sara was hallucinating like crazy and the EMT’s couldn’t calm her down. at the ER, Sara’s step Dad met them there. She was struggling to get out of the belts that held her in the stretcher.
she got a private room. Sara was screaming and crying and hyperventilating.
She tried too escape and to control her, they had to restraint her. Sara did not like that. They finally gave her a shot and she calmed down.
She was moved to a bed and on site shrink came to talk to her about what had happened.
SHe told him how the voices had told her to lay in the street.
“Why didnt you ignore them?” He asked.
NOT THAT EASY! YOU CANT JUST IGNORE THE VOICES! THEY ARE THERE WEATHER U LIKE IT OR NOT! SO DONT TELL ME TO JUST IGNORE THEM. EASIER SAID THEN DONE!
I stood up and gained my balance. I felt so weird. I steadied myself and walked to the bathroom.
My make up room was full of spider webs, it got tangled in my hair. I felt spiders crawling on my neck.
I shivered and slapped my neck.
I was getting scared. then the volume got louder in my head.
“STUPID B**** You are worthless and a waste of space!!”
I made it to the bathroom and slammed the door shut. I heard Jack laughing.
“leave me a lone” i said loudly.
My hands that were not mine, grabbed my neck trying to strangle me.
I promised my Mom i would never hang myself when i was having a hard time, but i almost did. i was scared because i wasnt using my own judgement. It was Jack and Paul.
They hate me and i hate them. Its sad i have to hate someone that lives in my own head.
I never get a break, please go away.