Where it all began!:

I walked down the hall wondering who noticed me and who didnt. Did they know half the things i saw lately were hallucinations.

THey just assumed i was on drugs. But i wasnt.

I was an undiagnosed 15 year old girl. I wasnt on any medication, i didnt even like to take Advil.

I opened my locker and looked in my little locker mirror. I looked into my dark eyes. They seemed darker then usual.

I grabbed my notebook and went to class.

I was in English class, not hearing a word my teacher said. I was more interested in Cereal and numbers.

I guess my teacher noticed my lack of attention. He called me to the hall.

I backed up against the locker scared what he was going to do.

“You okay?” He asked. I nodded. He gave me a look like he didnt believe me.

So he sent me to my best friend, the guidance counselor. (not) She sent me to the nurse, my other best friend.

THey judged me when i was in a psychotic state. I could not help what i was doing. I got sent home early a lot.

Finally, my parents brought me to my very first shrink. I finally had a diagnosis. Depression.

I was put on Paxil. My very first medication.

Age 15, 16 and 17 were the toughest years of my life. I Had a lot of firsts.

First meds, first shrink, first diagnosis, first suspension, first hallucinations.

It was terrible!

All i wanted to do, was get out of that school.

when i turned 16, my parents took me out of that school. My prayers were answered and i was enrolled into a school that understood me and my actions.

I was finally happy.

 

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“I just want to love you” Cereal said….. NO!!!!

My foot was limp. I had to take a Tylenol for depression. If i cant get a prescription, i must figure out it myself.

I stared at the Christmas lights for 3 minutes and started to cry. I dont want Christmas to come.

Every Christmas I get that bad feeling that something bad will happen.

I spit in the sink and it was blue from mouthwash. I turned the knob slowly hoping a robber wasnt on the other side.

There wasnt, so i raced to my bed and climbed under the covers.

“I wont i wont i wont i wont” i said.

“Wont what?”

I opened my eyes and was face to face with Cereal. He has never been off my wall, now he was in bed with me. I was scared.

“Stay away” i said.

“I just want to love you” He touched my cheek.

I started to cry, hard.

“LEAVE ME ALONE!” I started to shake. I felt terrible.

he faded away and i was okay, but still scared, i went to get Mom. My room was flooded with tears, i didnt want to get electrocuted.

So i lay in bed wishing for tomorrow.

Smelling the color YELLOW!~

Scariest Hallucination i ever had in a psych ward was when i was 16. I was locked up in WestWood Lodge.

I was on a new medication and it didnt agree with me. I went to bed early that night. I woke up to Peter calling my name.

Peter was an old hallucination i used to have…

He told me I was going to die that night. I was SO scared!! I Didnt want to get out of bed and the meds kicked in.

I Started to see Pokemon on my lights reproducing. My walls were laughing at me and there were bubbles all over the floor. I got out of bed and was scared of popping the bubbles as i walked.

I tiptoed to the nurses station. I told them what was happening. But my legs were weak so i sat on the floor. They took my BP it was good but i still felt, SO weird. I was smelling the color yellow.

Super scary night. Since then i have had many, many bad nights, but that night really stuck with me.

What’s going on in my brain!?

In my whole life since I was young, these are the different people that had lived in my head, one time or another.

My very first hallucination was a unicorn named Jessie Protan. Then there was David, Billy, Peter, Nobody, Michelle #1, Michelle #2, Sassafras, Jack, John, Miley and Sari.

I could see Jessie in my woods. David and Jack were just in my head.

Peter i saw daily. He was always dressed in white.

I have never seen the michelles, they just live in my head.

Sassafras is made of tree bark.

Sari and Miley are my invisible friends.

It gets confusing, but they are always there. Some are mean, others are nice.

I hate when Jack tells me to cut. I feel if i dont listen i will be cursed.

Nobody is a neutral voice. he isnt mean or nice. He is the one who tells me to do things such as turn the light on and off 23 times.

Or put some toothpaste on my finger, wipe it on a tissue and flush it three times.

He is the most aggravating voice because sometimes he wakes me up in the middle of the night to do the most stupid things ever.

 

 

 

All because of the voices in my HEAD!~

I was totally out of it that day in August 2016. I was hearing voices telling me to stab my heart. I knew it was wrong. So i tattled on myself to Mom. I raced down the stairs and into the den. I told her i was hearing voices. I didnt tell her what they were saying.

I fell to the floor and sobbed. Mom decided I needed help, so she called 911.

I didnt want to go in the ambulance again! I shut my eyes tight hoping if i couldnt see the EMT’s, they couldnt see me.

they did. they said they just wanted to help.

so i agreed to lay on the stretcher. They strapped me down, which was NOT okay.

I started kicking and screaming. I reached for help from anyone. It was me and two EMT”s in the back of the ambulance. I took one of their hands and squeezed it. I was sweaty and hyperventilating.

We finally reached the ER.

I was rolled into a private room. I jumped out of bed and tried to escape. They caught me and restraint me. I was in a 5 buckled harness.

They faced me to the corner. I was humiliated.

I got my shot and i fell asleep. when i woke up both of my Dad’s were there by my side.

THey told me they were just waiting for a room in the psych ward to be available.

I started to cry. It had been a long night. I just wanted to go home.

this all happened, because of the stupid voices in my HEAD.

STRANGEST things i have done in my life.!~

I created an invisible friend named Billy. I would throw underwear out the window for him to collect.

I brushed my teeth with a Barbie Doll’s foot.

I sucked on dice.

I had tea parties with the wallpaper.

I licked a piece of doll house furniture.

I made friends with dust particles.

I branded an X on my arm with a sharp pair of nail scissors.

I printed a picture of my fav author and kept it by my bed. I would talk to her all the time.

I tried to hurt someone with rat poison.

In the ER, i asked the staff to cut off my arms.

I used to eat paper machie.

I used to talk to tree bark.

I stuffed tissue in a hole in the wall to keep out the gas.

The good thing is, i know these are strange. That proves i am not crazy! 😀

 

 

HE MADE ME CUT AND STAB A CLASSMATE!~

I am so used to hearing voices that when days i dont, i feel incomplete.

I think i have heard some sort of voices in my head everyday since i was 15. Some days are quieter then others, but they are always just, there.

I dont know how i would manage with out them. IS that sad? Idk. But now and then my head is empty. To me thats scarier then hallucinating and hearing voices.

I used to hear voices at LOT in school. I would get bad grades because i was so distracted by Peter. Peter is my 2nd hallucination that lives in my head.

He made me cut my wrists and stab Jon with a pencil. Not bad, just a little poke.

I would laugh with Peter and that would be a red flag for staff knowing i was having a psycotic episode.

So i was sent to the nurse. Daily.

One day got SO bad, they called 911. I remember going in the ambulance and meeting Dad at the hopistal.

My heart rate was up and i was seeing dead people.