They found me in a Little BALL~

I think the worst psych ward i have been in was Westwood Lodge. It was dead winter. NO heat. I was struggling with a new issue for me, puking after meals.

I got a rep as being a killer so they took me out of a room with two other girls and got a single.

That was fine with me! I got caught puking after eating and got in trouble. I was monitored after meals and had to sing while peeing.

I remember hallucinating BAD one night. I hid in the corner behind the dresser rocking back and forth, covering my ears to keep out the voices!

I heard the staff calling me but i couldnt answer. I wanted them to find me but the voices said i was not allowed or id be cursed.

They found me in a little ball. I was FREEZING. My arms had goosebumps all over.

It was not fair for them to even be open when there is no heat in December.

That place was THEE worst psych ward, i have ever been in!!

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When I was little, i had a VERY overactive imagination!

Im not sure why I haven’t matured like my friends. I still like BArbies and using my imagination.

I grew up with invisible friends and as i age, they turned into hallusiantions

i hallucinated when i was little but all brushed it off as a VERY overactive imagination. There was nothing to worry about.

I get older, my mind starts hearing some disturbing voices. Voices only i can hear.

It is so different from when i was little.

The voices now swear at me and belittle me.

I am not sure how to act more mature. I could go to parties and such, but I am just not into that…

I woke up the next morning with a new diagnosis!!

No what i think is strange? Mental illness. I dont know how it was even possible for me to go to sleep one night at the age of 16 and the next day i am on medication for schziohorehnia!

It literally happened over night.

One Day at school, i saw Peter for the first time dressed in white.

he called me out of class and told me to do bad things such as poison a girl.

If i never had Peter as a haulsiation, where would i be today?

If i never ever hallucinated since i was about 7, how different would my life be?

Its a little scary having such a big mental illness.

I am basically writing this for new viewers. I want to help you guys who are struggling. So i may repeat myself sometimes.

Peter came and left me a million times. He’s never there when i need him and always there when i dont.

He used to be my favorite hallusatin. Now My fav is Sassafras.

Sassafras is made of tree bark.

He tells me stories of my grandparents as a child. Now i dont know if they are true, but it relaxes me.

Im still not used to hearing voices after 13 years!!

I think i HEAR things others cant, more then SEE things others cant.

I have many voices in my head which speak up at different times. (Jack, Peter, Michelle #1, Michelle #2, Sassafrass, Cereal, Miley…..)

But the only sight halluications, are seeing Cereal on the wall, see spirits and dead people.

both can be extremely scary!

You would think i would be used to it, but i am not.

I guess i rather hear things then see things.

 

I felt a connection with my inner Child!~

I have changed a lot through out the years. When i started to hear voices at the age of 6, it was more like having a wild imagination.

I had SO many invisible friends that i would talk to and play with.

As years went by, they were still there. But now they lived in my head. For a period of time, i ONLY heard voices. I couldn’t see them and that made me sad. I felt like I was outgrowing them.

One day at the age of 15, my very first Hallucination Peter visited me and i could see him!

I felt a connection with my inner child.

I was talking to my therapist about invisible friends She said its normal for a FIVE year old to have imaginary friends, not for a 29 year old

That made me sad.

I guess i am just different?

I punched HOLES in my BARBIE’s EYES!

I grabbed my Barbie from my box of dolls. I was 9 years old. I carried the Barbie to the bathroom. First thing i did was pull her head off. Then i spread toothpaste on her foot to brush my teeth with.

I loved the Squeaky noises the foot made on my teeth. I snapped the leg off the decapitated body and tossed it in the trash. I wiped my mouth on the towel.

I grabbed the doll’s head.

“HOW DARE YOU!?” She screamed at me.

“Hey, u are supposed to be DEAD” i frowned down at the head in my hand.

She frowned back at me. I went to my desk drawer and grabbed a pen. I punched holes in Barbie’s eyes.

I threw her in the trash with her leg.

Mission complete.

I am special!~

I know i hallucinate. So i lay down and did some thinking. WHY?

WHY do i hallucinate? I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, thats what schizophrenia is.

But what in my brain, makes me see, and hear, things others dont.

It makes me feel different from my friends. I feel left out.

I cant do some jobs, just because of my diagnosis’s. Such as being in the army, being a police women or working at the court house.

I feel i have a disadvantage over others.

I Just wonder, why me.

Because i am special. ❤