Its really a shame that your own family turns their heads, blocking me from Facebook and my cell, just because i have schizophrenia.
I had a cousin i was REALLY close to, growing up.
When i was in the psych ward, I got a pass to leave for an hour with my Mom. we went to my aunt’s who lived close by.
I told my cousin i was in that psych ward and told her why.
“I have schizophrenia” i told her. She gave me a look like we just met.
that hour was awkward.
I went back to the psych ward, doors locking behind me.
when i got discharged, i called my cousin. she never called me back. ever.
10 years later, i found her on Facebook. She blocked me.
It hurts. Bad.
This anxiety is starting to scare me! It wont go away! I tried so many coping skills: blogging, walking, deep breathing and distraction. Nothing.
My heart pounds, my hands are not mine.
I feel so scared that I will die.
Mom says panic attacks cant kill you, but it sure feels like it!!!
I just wanna have a good cry and get over it!
Its starting to affect my family life. Mom and Dad have to deal with my issues. Its not fair to them, they should have a stress free life
BUt with me, that is not possible. I take up too much of their time. I am crying right now, my words are blurry.
Mom had a wonderful Mothers Day, i am so glad.
But she deserves so much more.
I have no job, no car, no kids, no bf… Who would want a daughter like me?
It really upsets me.
I am basically a loser, as Jack a voice in my head tells me.
Everything is about Emily, (Me)
Its not fair to my parents. Its always talking about Emily and her meds, emily and her schizophrenia, emily and the voices, emily and psychotic episodes.
They never get a break and it hurts my heart. I get all the attention and thats not fair.
one of my biggest fears, is one day my parents will say they have had enough. And send me to a program.
I fear that all the time.
I hate it.
i am visiting my aunt for a few days in her summer home. For breakfast i had a fruit smoothie and ENglish muffin.
we went shopping at WalMart. I started to give up early cuz nothing fit right. but i didnt give up! I found a few cute clothing items.
then we went to Dollar tree. I got makeup and note book
after that, we went to Kohl’s. I got a pair of jeans and a few cute tops.
Walgreens was next. I got shampoo, deodorant, ,face wash and more!
For lunch i had pizza, NOw we are relaxing and i am writing for a bit.
For dinner later, we will go to the WHite Horse!!
I feel great!
I am not sure if having schizophrenia is harder on me, or my parents. I have lots of episodes I dont even remember that my Mom tells me about now.
One time, I threw an EMT against the wall. I had so much strength because my Adrenalin was pumping.
I DO remember him telling me to “SIT DOWN”
I started to cry and told him he was MEAN. They tied me to the stretcher and brought me to the ER. I cried and cried. I hallucinated and screamed. It was terrible!
I dont remember everything, but i do remember sitting in a bed at the ER. My parents were beside me holding my hands. I couldn’t breathe though.
I tried to escape and once again, I got restrained. THe worst thing i have EVER experienced.
I would hate to be the parent watching their child screaming and crying, tied down and sweating.
So really, who’s it harder on?
I am at my Aunts for the weekend. Today we went to WalMart to get me some fall outfits. I got 7 new long sleeved shirts and 3 pants. I got depressed because everything was too small on me… I teared up a little. I miss my 106 lb body.
Then we went to Starbucks. I got a Vanilla Bean Frappe. It was Yum.
then we went home. I had pizza for lunch, washed my hair and now i am watching YouTube vids while Antie rests.
I am having a GREAT TIME!! No time to worry about death!!
I still have nightmares about my brothers mother. She and i never got along. She would blame me for when she and my Dad fought.
She made me do a crazy amount of chores for no allowance.
She would favor my brother.
She always gave me the broken chair at meal times.
I wasnt allowed to shut my bedroom door.
I had to go to school crying most days because she emotionally abused me.
I think one reason i was admitted into my first psych ward was because of her.
She didnt get along with my Mom at all.
You would think 13 years later it would just be a bad memory. But i was literally traumatized by her and I think of her at least twice a week.