Schizophrenia: Harder on me.. or my parents??

I am not sure if having schizophrenia is harder on me, or my parents. I have lots of episodes I dont even remember that my Mom tells me about now.

One time, I threw an EMT against the wall. I had so much strength because my Adrenalin was pumping.

I DO remember him telling me to “SIT DOWN”

I started to cry and told him he was MEAN. They tied me to the stretcher and brought me to the ER. I cried and cried. I hallucinated and screamed. It was terrible!

I dont remember everything, but i do remember sitting in a bed at the ER. My parents were beside me holding my hands. I couldn’t breathe though.

I tried to escape and once again, I got restrained. THe worst thing i have EVER experienced.

I would hate to be the parent watching their child screaming and crying, tied down and sweating.

So really, who’s it harder on?


Fun times with my Aunt Day #1

I am at my Aunts for the weekend. Today we went to WalMart to get me some fall outfits. I got 7 new long sleeved shirts and 3 pants. I got depressed because everything was too small on me… I teared up a little. I miss my 106 lb body.

Then we went to Starbucks. I got a Vanilla Bean Frappe. It was Yum.

then we went home. I had pizza for lunch, washed my hair and now i am watching YouTube vids while Antie rests.

I am having a GREAT TIME!! No time to worry about death!!


I had the worst step mom.

I still have nightmares about my brothers mother. She and i never got along. She would blame me for when she and my Dad fought.

She made me do a crazy amount of chores for no allowance.

She would favor my brother.

She always gave me the broken chair at meal times.

I wasnt allowed to shut my bedroom door.

I had to go to school crying most days because she emotionally abused me.

I think one reason i was admitted into my first psych ward was because of her.

She didnt get along with my Mom at all.

You would think 13 years later it would just be a bad memory. But i was literally traumatized by her and I think of her at least twice a week.

Lying to my parents.

When i was 8, my neighbor and i wanted to walk to the candy store. My step Mom said I could get 5 pieces of penny candy. I whined and begged to get more.

“Okay, 4 pieces” She said.

“Please!!” I begged.

“3 pieces..” SHe frowned. I shut up. I was mad but i always obey my parents.

My neighbor’s mom walked us there. I got my 3 pieces then saw a giant rainbow lollipop. I had to get it, so i did.

When i got home, i snuck the lollipop under my shirt and went to my room. I took off the wrapper and took a lick.

I heard my step mother coming upstairs. So i hid the pop under my bed.

A week went by and i forgot about the lollipop.

I was cleaning my room one day and found the lollipop. COVERED in ANTS!

I got scared i would get in trouble. So i opened my window and pulled up the screen. I threw the pop and ants out the window.

I felt bad. I hate lying.


My special life!~

My family has no luck. When I was 12 my step Dad had a cardiac arrest. He went into the hopistal. Several times in the next few years Bob went back into the hopistal for heart issues. Bob also has sleep apnea, COPD, osteoporosis and had mrsa.

Our luck doesnt end there.

My Mom went into the hopistal for kidney failure. She had a urinary track infection too and was on dialysis for 6 weeks. Mom also has neuropathy and cant walk well. she is in constant pain.

Then there is me. I dont have physical handicapped. i have mental issues. I went to the hopistal 13 times for reasons such as hearing voices.

But we survived. We are a strong family and made it through some tough times. Both Mom and BOb had very little chance of surviving. But they did. We are always there for each other in hard times. I wouldnt change my family for anything xooxx


My birthday, i made it another year!~

Yesterday i turned 29. My therapist and I had many sessions talking about how scared i was to turn one year older.

I feared something bad would happen on my birthday. But, it didnt! And i had a great time!

My Mom, step Dad, BIll and I had dinner from UNO’s. I had chicken Parmesan. it was YUM> then we had cake.

I got some presents too!

I got a Friendly’s gift card, a makeup gift card, Teen Mom 2 season 6 DVD, phone case, notebooks and a printer.

I am very happy and feel loved.

Tomorrow i see My dad and his family. we are going out to eat, then Foxwoods. It will be great.

I am happy i made it another year!!!

Old man down!

I love seeing Dad. Its not too often, but whenever we get together, we always have a lot of fun!

today we went out for breakfast. I had French toast and home fries with water.

when we got served, we heard a big crash.

An old man had fallen!! Dad jumped up to help him, but someone else got there first. Poor guy, at least he wasn’t hurt.

then we went to the apple orchard gift shop. we looked at antiques and little trinkets.

I love my life. i love my parents, i love my siblings and i love my friends and family.