My hands hurt.

Today I felt angry. Its rare when i feel that emotion. I am usually happy, or depressed. I looked in the mirror and didnt like what i saw.

So i threw my notebook at my reflection. I was shaking and my hands were not mine. I sat on the floor for over 10 minutes  looking at my hands.

I grabbed a pencil and traced the lines on my hand over and over, harder and harder. No blood, just little scratches.

well that was a mistake. I washed my hair and the shampoo burned my hands. It HURT

It scares me when i feel angry because thats when i imagine myself doing BAD stuff. Like hurting people..

I feel gooder now, but my hands still hurt…

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I felt safe enough to sleep. ~

“Night Doll” Dad tucked me into bed. He covered me in 4 blankets. there was no heat on this psych ward. It was December too.

I hugged my Grover doll with tears in my eyes.

“Dont leave” i whispered.

“Visiting hours are over” Dad said softly. I started to cry. so did Dad. It was only 7:00 pm, but i was in bed just so Dad could tuck me in.

Dad left and i cried harder. A staff came in and asked if i wanted to take my pills early. i did. so she gave them to me in bed. It was 9:00 pm.. i shut my eyes trying to sleep. But i couldnt.

Plus it was only my 2nd day on this new medication and i was not used to it yet.

I started to hallucinate.

I saw ants all over my walls. i was shivering. I climbed out of bed clumsily

i couldnt walk straight. I went to the dresser and sat on the floor and wrapped my arms around my legs and rocked back and forth. I heard staff come in for checks.

“Where is Emily?” i heard her ask. I am right here i said in my head.

the light turned on and two staff entered my room.

“There you are” D said. She helped me back into bed. I was crying again.

“I will sit right here if you need me” D put her chair in my doorway and sat. I felt safe enough to drift off.

 

I had the worst step mom.

I still have nightmares about my brothers mother. She and i never got along. She would blame me for when she and my Dad fought.

She made me do a crazy amount of chores for no allowance.

She would favor my brother.

She always gave me the broken chair at meal times.

I wasnt allowed to shut my bedroom door.

I had to go to school crying most days because she emotionally abused me.

I think one reason i was admitted into my first psych ward was because of her.

She didnt get along with my Mom at all.

You would think 13 years later it would just be a bad memory. But i was literally traumatized by her and I think of her at least twice a week.

I spazzed out and had to be restraint!~

I got in line to take my nighttime meds. The nurses were late. I usually took them at 9:00 pm, it was now 10:35 pm. Two people ahead of me, i waited.

finally it was my turn. The nurse scanned my ID bracelet and gave me my pills. I had to open my mouth with my fingers so she could make sure i swallowed them. I did.

“Night” I told the nurse. I went to my room and climbed under the covers. I shut my eyes but couldnt sleep. I tossed and turned for awhile. I was nervous. I knew after a certain amount of time, my meds would kick in and i would start hallucinating, like always.

Sure enough, 12:00 arrived. I got out of bed and wobbled out to the nurses station. the nighttime staff was there. I didnt know any of them.

I started to cry.

“You ok?” One nurse asked me. I sat on the floor and wrapped my arms around my legs and cried.

She came over and asked if i wanted a PRN. I did, but i couldnt walk. i told her that. So she helped me to the nurses office. She did my bracelet and gave me an as needed pill.

“I Cant sleep” i said.

So Beth and i did a puzzle. SOmething in my brain happened then. I spazzed out. I started to bite my arms. Beth held down my arms. I kicked the puzzle over.

“Megan!” Beth called. Megan came running.

all the sudden there were 5 people on top of me, including 2 men which i did not appreciate…

I screamed and cried. They carried me to my room and lay me in my bed, still pinning me down.

my arms were bleeding from scrapes from my nails. All the sudden, i felt the needle in my arm..I HATE that needle, i had it once before.

I went limp. I felt dead. my eyes were sealed shut. When i opened them again, all i saw was a sitter sitting beside me.

“How are you?” She asked me.

“Good” i mumbled. I turned over and fell back to sleep till morning. what a night!!

 

 

I could go to jail, it would be just like a dream!~

If i see spirits ALL the time, and my therapist calls it a hallucination, does that mean i am hallucinating 24/7?

I consider when i am hearing voices or seeing things, thats when i am hallucinating.

But spirits are just, there.

I dont think i am on a med to stop the spirits from visiting me. Sometimes i feel i dont know reality from fantasy.

Like the fact that i couldnt possibly get in trouble if i hurt someone..it just seems like its not possible.

I worry about myself doing something illegal. I could go to jail and to me, it would just be like a dream.

Im Emily. I am 29. I am schizophrenic.

 

It was terrible. I was tied down and punished.

I sat in the dining room of Waltham Behavioral Psych Ward eating my breakfast. I thought back to the night before. I had a terrible psychotic episode. I was sitting with my therapist when the voices told me to leave the unit. There was going to be a gas leak. SO i covered my face with my sleeve and raced to the locked doors. I tried to pull them over and over. Staff came racing over to stop me. They took me by the arms and brought me to my room and sat me on my bed. Then they left. Bad idea.

I went to my bathroom and climbed on the toilet’s tank. I screamed i was going to jump. Nobody came.

I climbed off the toilet and peeked out my room. Nobody was paying attention. So i sneaked back to the door and tried to open it once more. Tracey found me and yanked me to the restraint room.

“Please no!!:” i begged. She lay me down and strapped my arms and legs as a punishment and left me.

I cried and cried. I tried to free myself, no luck.

My wrists were hurting badly. FINALLY someone let me out. I was so angry. I went to my room and slammed the door. I climbed into bed and wrapped my hands around my neck. I felt my face turning red and I let go. I was so confused!

I Dont think i was treated fairly in the situation. IDK, but it was a terrible experience.

Tears in my eyes~!

Crying on the inside, i feel alone. I have hardly any friends to talk to. I feel depressed and fake. I pretend i am okay, but i am not.

I just want to feel gooder.

I have tears in my eyes right now. I am scared i am going to do something i will regret.

Please lord, keep me safe!!

I am tired.

Tired of struggling. struggling with depression, struggling with mental illness, struggling with relationships, struggling with everything!

Plus i am dealing with hearing voices, mean voices that call me names and tell me i deserved to be raped.

I Count everything, its getting old.

I need help. sigh.