I am a little annoyed today, not my usual mood. I slur when i speak because of my medications. So when i talk, people dont understand me! Its frustrating because my brain is so busy and cluttered and fast, that my mouth gets jumbled up.
I feel like punching someone when that happens. I know its my fault for talking too fast, but seriously, its annoying.
I slept terribly last night. Not because of the voices, not this time. My head was doing a million and a half math problems. I did some really complicated problems in my mind that i could never do when i am wide awake with a pencil and paper.
I invent stuff at night that could make me $!!! But in the morning, i forget.
You say i should write it when i am in bed, but as soon as my eyes are open, i totally forget what my last thoughts were!
Last night was the first night i heard bad voices in quite awhile. I just hope it wont continue because i dont want to change my meds again.
I was in the porch sitting on the recliner. I looked out at the spirits in the sky and Jack told me I was going to die that night.
I got nervous, but i didnt want to worry my parents.
SO i went to bed early, but couldnt fall asleep “Will i really die tonight?” i asked myself. I got myself so worked up that i had to take an anxiety pill.
i woke up several times and looked at the clock every now and then.
Finally i fell asleep.
I woke up at 7:00 and had to smile, i made it! I am alive!! I was SO happy that i clapped my hands excitedly.
Beat that Jack! I am going to live a LONG HAPPY HEALTHY LIFE!!!!
I found an old journal from when i was 16. The same year i was diagnosed with schizophrenia. It was so hard to read, i was in so much pain!
I wrote i was in Waltham Behavioral Psych Ward and I was scared, i just wanted to go home.
“I got in trouble today for cutting. They locked me up in a room as a punishment, but that made it worse”
“Jillian is my roommate and she never bathes, the room stinks”
“Ella gives me M&Ms every night to go with my pills, it makes me happy”
“I miss my family, SO much! I JUST WANNA GO HOME!”
The journal went on with the meds i was on and pictures i drew. They were not happy pictures, they were needles in the eye and knifes in throats.
I have come such a far way and i plan on never being admitted, ever, again! xo ❤
Its amazing what music does to me! If i am in a bad mood, i listen and it cheers me up, well certain songs.
Like White Houses by Vanessa Carlton. I listened to that song OVER and OVER on the way to my very first psych ward. Every time i listen to it, I feel good, a little sad, but good.
The other day i was having a hard night. I cried for hours and had urges to cut.
So i put on Let Her Go by passenger, then Last Words and I lay down.
In about 10 minutes i was fine, i didnt CUT!
I was strong. Music really helps me stay safe. I like all sorts of music
Mostly hip hop, and country.
BUt seriously, music saved my life, if i didnt have it to use to cope, I could have hurt myself or even died, when feeling depressed.
In the psych ward, me and Jillian got into a lot of trouble!
we would throw butter packets at the walls so they would stick.
I pierced Jill’s bellybutton with a paperclip.
I had to pee in a cup once every few days and once i supplemented it with warm apple juice!
On Easter, Jill and i blew up marshmallow peeps in the microwave.
I would draw pictures on Jill’s back with a sharpy, over and over so it would last.
They staff had enough of our attitude. So they separated us and were sent to our rooms.
But you gotta get into a little harmless trouble when u are locked up, its hard having no freedom.
I needed a break from voices, therapy and medication. I just wanted to have a little fun!! 😀
I lay in the back of the ambulance off to the ER. My Mom and Dad were not with me and i was scared!
I cant remember everything of that night, i may have blacked out, not sure. But, i do remember being strapped down the the stretcher.
I was hallucinating like crazy. I saw dead people in the overhead lights.
I heard a man named Sam screaming at me. I rocked back and forth trying to loosen the straps.
when the EMT went to adjust the belts, i punched him.
“Dont hit me” he said.
I couldnt help it.
Some how, 30 minutes later, i was now in the restraint chair in the ER. I dont remember how i got from the ambulance to the restraint chair. I was too out of it.
I sat there struggling to get free for a LONG time. They finally gave me the shot and i slumped over. i was too drugged.
They moved me into a bed and the nice nurse gave me a warm, heated blanket. All the sudden i saw my DAd and Step DAd. i dont know how long they had been there.
i started to cry. i felt bad and selfish.
I was humiliated.
It was a terrible day.
Sometimes i sit and think. About nothing in particular. But my mind wanders and i end up thinking of my experiences in psych wards. That’s why i write about it so often.
I cant believe, sometimes, how my life has come to be. On 17 pills a day, being admitted into psych wards over 13 times, being in therapy for 21 years….being diagnosed with schizophrenia 11 years ago…life can be tough.
I try my best to be positive. Sometimes, you just gotta cry.
I usually cry at night to not worry my family.
BUt, i am blessed. In my life I have only felt suicidal about 5 times. That’s nothing compare to others with my diagnosis.
I am lucky. very lucky.