I sat in the shower stall in my schools locker room. I got to school late that day. I cant walk into a room full of people. So i planned to stay in that shower until next class. I sat there tapping my foot on the tiled floor.
Had i missed the bell? I peeked out the door at the clock. RINGGG. Class was out.
I went to English class. I could tell that day was NOT going to be a good one. I saw peter. Sigh, my evil hallucination.
I went into the classroom and walked to the back desk. C got it before me. I was upset. That was MY Chair.
I was very emotional, trying new meds.
The only seat left was in the front. NO WAY.
So I started to cry. Fat hot tears dripped down my cheeks.
I raced back to the shower. I curled up in a ball and cried. My English teacher, Mrs D came to find me.
And I got sent to the nurse. Again.
They just could not handle me at that school. I had diagnosis they just didnt know how to deal with.
In the nurses my hands were shaky.
I sat on the bed, knees knocking together.
I had to throw up. SO i did. In the trash can.
Staff were getting annoyed, like i was doing this on purpose!!!
I had to get out of that school. 5 weeks later, i did. Thank U jesus.
I Hate the way I talk. I slur my speech, i talk too fast and I make up words. People often have to ask me to slow down, speak clearer or repeat myself.
Its annoying for everyone, not just me.
It makes me feel bad.
My brain is over active. I often ask questions that to some may seem very random.
I have so much going on in my brain that stuff just pours out of my mouth.
It would not be healthy for me to keep it in my head.
I have to talk. Sometimes I talk too much.
You can thank my mental illnesses for that. xoxxx
While i was adjusting my meds in the psychiatric ward, I was very emotional. I cried at everything.
My Mom brought me a tub of ice cream to eat later. I put my name on lid and put it in the freezer. We enjoyed visiting hours, it was time for her to leave.
I DID NOT WANT HER TO LEAVE.
After she was buzzed out, I banged my fists on the door that keeps me from freedom.
I fell to the floor crying. E came over and took my hand. we went to my room.
“How can I help you?” she asked softly.
“My Mom brought me ice cream” I said when i calmed down.
“Lets get some ice cream” E took my hand again and we went to the kitchen. I opened the freezer. I grabbed the ice cream and took off the lid.
IT WAS EMPTY!
“Somebody ate it” I said as tears welled up in my eyes. I threw the empty container on the floor and ran to my room. I fell on my bed and cried and cried.
“Here sweetie” E handed me a pack of M&Ms. That was really nice of her.
I calmed down again and we shared a snack. I felt special.
Its really a shame that your own family turns their heads, blocking me from Facebook and my cell, just because i have schizophrenia.
I had a cousin i was REALLY close to, growing up.
When i was in the psych ward, I got a pass to leave for an hour with my Mom. we went to my aunt’s who lived close by.
I told my cousin i was in that psych ward and told her why.
“I have schizophrenia” i told her. She gave me a look like we just met.
that hour was awkward.
I went back to the psych ward, doors locking behind me.
when i got discharged, i called my cousin. she never called me back. ever.
10 years later, i found her on Facebook. She blocked me.
It hurts. Bad.
“I will not break my mothers back, i will not step on a crack”
I was walking to the library. It was summer. The library was two blocks from DAd’s house.
I was SO scared of breaking Mom’s back. So i was careful where i stepped.
I came to a tree, a pine tree. I picked some of the needles and nibbled on them.
I kept walking. I reached a railroad. I put the needles on the track and made a wish.
I wanted to hurt the pine needles. Bad. BUt the train didnt come.
I kept walking.
I reached the library. I found a piece of unopened gum on the grass. Juicy Fruit.
So i ate it. I was dared to eat it by Peter. A voice in my head. It was quite juicy!
I rented some books and headed back home.
I took out the gum and flicked it away. All the sudden i felt bad! What if a bird choked on my gum!!??
I tried to find my gum in the tall green grass. No luck.
I got really emotional.
I cried the rest of the way home.
My emotions back then were everywhere. I am lucky i am stable.
My new psychiatrist, i dont like. At all. She has no personality. At all.
Mom called her 3 times with a question about my meds. No reply.
So Mom had to higher my Clozapine (for schizophrenia) 25 mg with out help.
She had no choice, i was having a hard time and nobody was helping us!
I am so grateful my Mom was brave enough, because with the extra 25 mg, i have not heard voices in over 9 days!!! GO mom!
Anyways. Things are going well. No voices, no hallucinations besides Cereal and spirits.
I have been falling asleep with in an hour. In the past it took up to 3 hours a night.
I am SUPER tired these days. I need two naps a day to function.
This anxiety is starting to scare me! It wont go away! I tried so many coping skills: blogging, walking, deep breathing and distraction. Nothing.
My heart pounds, my hands are not mine.
I feel so scared that I will die.
Mom says panic attacks cant kill you, but it sure feels like it!!!
I just wanna have a good cry and get over it!
Its starting to affect my family life. Mom and Dad have to deal with my issues. Its not fair to them, they should have a stress free life
BUt with me, that is not possible. I take up too much of their time. I am crying right now, my words are blurry.