I feel SO sad right now. I am not sure why. I am crying as i write this. I feel empty and alone, even though my family is in the next room.

I hate when i feel like this, for NO reason.

I might take a bath, that might help.

I have an eye apt tomorrow, hope i dont have a tumor in my eye. I know, i probably dont. But i still have that fear.



I was basically OUT OF CONTROL!!

I have been locked in a white room with no furniture twice in my life. Same psych ward.

I hated being punished for being a schizophrenic.
One time in that room, I was having a hard time hearing voices. I used my nails to scratch the paint off the walls and ate the paint. I wanted to die, i was not in a good space of mind.

There was a camera watching me. ALl i could think is, “Why arent they stopping me?”

I swallowed the paint chips and rested my forehead against the wall. I pressed my head as hard as i could, trying to break through the walls.

I did not succeed and i got really anxious and upset. I paced the room quickly. side to side, back and forth. The room was small. Too small.

I had nowhere to go!

I went to the door and turned the handle. I was a little hopeful it was open. It wasnt.

I got even more upset. I used my nails to cut my wrists! I was basically out of control. I bitted my fingers and pulled my hair.

FINALLY, they let me out. They didnt mention anything I have done. They didnt say anything!

Whats the point of the camera!?

I went to the den and stared into space for a long time. I played what happened, over and over in my head. It did not go as planned.

I was crying for help, and i did not get it.


In one psych ward, there was a level system. Each level you go up, you get more freedom.

I finally reached level 3 after 8 days. My parents were aloud to take me on a 2 hour trip out of the ward.

Dad took my first. We went to a restaurant for buffalo!~ It was actually pretty good.

Another Day we saw a movie.

Mom and Bob brought me to lunch and a park.

I had so much fun on my outings, i did not want to go back to the psych ward after.

Every time I got back to the ward, walking through those hard wooden doors that lock behind you…I got sad.I watched out the window in the den. I saw my family leaving the building.

“Mommy!” I called with tears in my eyes. I pressed my face up against the window. I started to bang on the window. I was getting anxious.

T came in the room when she heard the banging.

SHe took my arms. T was the lady that locked me in a room for hours in nothing but a jonnie.

T grabbed my arms and threatened to restrain me if i did not stop.

I really hate the CHAIR> BUt, I just wanted my Mom.

T held a firm grip on my arm and dragged me to my room. She sat me on my bed with out any words.

“Enough!” She growled as she left the room shutting the door behind her. I felt scared.

I huddled under my blanket shivering. I wasnt cold.

I cried and cried.

Finally someone came in for checks. it was not T.

It was E. She asked if i was okay. I was happy she came in, i wanted to talk. i told her about T.

“Dont worry about her” E patted my knee.

SHe brought me some apple juice and we sat and chatted for awhile, at least someone cares…….

The Hard Core Girls in the PSYCH WARD!~

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…you make me happy when skies are grey….” It was late at night in my first psych ward. I was all alone in a coffin like room. My small single window had bars on it. But i could see the full moon. I wondered if my Mom was looking at the same moon that night. I missed her SO much. I started to cry again. for like the 6th time that day. My eyes burned and my head ached.

I did not sleep that night because i am a light sleeper. Every time the staff did checks, they shone a flashlight in my eyes. It was quite irritating.

In the morning i was exhausted. I still had no underwear that they had taken away. I was embarrassed to ask for them back.

At lunch that day, i noticed the mean Girl, C, had my jeans on! I wanted them back! But i was to scared to ask.

She ended up keeping those jeans.

During free time, i hung in my tiny room coloring Care bear pictures.

I did not want to associate with the other girls. they were hard core. I was shy and innocent. I did not fit in.

But i survived a full 10 days in that psych ward. Going home was the best thing EVER!


I used my sharp black comb to CUT!~

I was caught cutting in the bathroom at school. I got in trouble. My principal and guidance counselor wanted to search my purse for sharps. i refused.

so we sat in the office for over an HOUR. I would NOT let them check my purse. Then i realized, they would be looking for razors or paper clips. THey would not know i used my sharp black comb to cut!

So i agreed and as i thought, they had no clue.

They let me go back to class.

Since they already checked my purse, i decided it was safe to get a plastic knife from the cafeteria for in case i needed to cut.

So i did, And i got caught, again. This time they found the knife.

I was a wreak.

I cried and sobbed. I was out of control. I could not concentrate in class. All i thought about was slicing my belly.

It became an obsession for me.

Needless to say, i got admitted into a psych ward for the 4th time that day.

Worse then i could ever imagine!!

Why do i do this to myself. I have this obsession with the song White Houses by Vanessa Carlton.

Its the song i listened to OVER AND OVER on the way to my very first Psych ward!

Every time i hear it i get flashbacks and emotional.

I cry every time. You would think i would just stop listening to it.

But something in my head tells me I HAVE TO.

Every time i press play, I sit back shut my eyes and remember walking into that psych ward, not knowing WHAT to expect.

It turned out worse then i could ever imagine……

Cried, cried, cried…

Visiting hours started in 10 minutes. I couldnt wait to see my step Dad! I anxiously walked the halls back and forth.

I heard the intercom buzz. It was him!

I raced to the door to greet him. The staff told me to stand back while they punched in the code.

Truth was, i knew the code. I didnt tell them, because I wanted to keep it a secret if i ever wanted to escape.

My step Dad walked into the ward. I gave him a big hug! I took his hand and he signed in.

we got the sensory room to visit with each other.

I felt emotional. I missed my family. I held my step Dad’s hand and rested my head on his shoulder. I started to cry. I really wanted to come home.

But they didnt adjust my meds to the perfect level yet… I  had to stay at least another 3 days.

when visiting hours were over, i cried when my step DAd left. I called my Mom on the phone crying.

I made her cry which was not my intention. I went to my room and climbed into bed and cried. cried, cried.