Sometimes i feel i dont deserve love. From my friends and family. I basically ruined my parents life by getting sick when i was 16. They had to pay for my over and over admissions to psych wards.
I had to go to therapy and be on meds.
They saw me in my roughest conditions such as when i was cutting or haullusinating. Its really not fair to them.
They had to drive in the snow storm to visit me in the psych ward.
I bet if they could choose a daughter, it would not be me…
I just want to cry in bed under the covers. I dont want to worry my parents. I feel fine, no thoughts of harming myself. I just feel sad.
Christmas is coming and thats when my family gets sick. Last year my step Dad was in the hopistal and the year before, Mom was.
Its terrible. Christmas to me is bittersweet. I like the trimming tree, nice meal and shopping.
I dont like worrying about death and hopistals. I really need to learn how to distract myself, by myself, i cant count on others to make me happy, i gotta do it myself.
Whenever i have peace with dying, i say to God “I am okay if i die tonight” Not because i want to commit suicide. just because I feel content and safe.
But then i scare myself that God really will take my life!! So i have to cancel out that comment.
I say “Please lord, dont take my life today!!!” PLEASE>
I fear about death 24/7 now that me and my parents are getting older.
Im totally wasting my life!! I am. I worry way too much.
truthfully, i am just scared in general.
I really hate the night time. I had the dark and i hate to sleep. Everything bad that happens to me, is at night. EVERY Time i went to 2S psych ward, was in the middle of the night except for my last lock up.
I get depressed in the dark and my anxiety kicks in.
If i didnt have to sleep, i totally wouldnt.
I dont feel safe at night, thats when the burgerlers come.
In the psych ward i got used to the bright lights out side my window. I would stare at that light until i fell asleep.
I also had perfect view of the emergency helicopter.
It was nice to fall asleep to.
I remember when i was little, me and my friend D got locked in a closet. we were terrified and DAd found us crying like heck. It was scary for a 6 year old!
I need to change my life somehow. I am not doing anything i dreamed of doing my whole life.
I dont have a paying job, I dont get out of the house, i dont have a boyfriend, I am not married, i dont go to collage, i dont have kids, i have not published a book.
But there are SOME things, i have accomplished! I got two articles published in the newspaper, I got over feeling age 11, I dont call Mom 12 times when i am out with my friends, i just call once. I took a writing class. I volunteer at the Senior center. I have made a bunch of new friends!
Today is better then yesterday. Yesterday My parents almost brought me to the ER but i begged them not to.
Mom didnt want me to hurt myself. Thats not an issue these days. Even if i have the urge, i would never act upon it.
Im just laying here, tears running down my face. I feel alone. I feel depressed. I AM NOT GOING BACK TO THE HOPISTAL. EVER.
So i gotta fix it myself or my family is going to fall apart.
I am putting everyone in so much stress.
I am a loser and i know it. I hate myself.
I will never commit suiside, i just having a bad day. Tomorrow will be gooder. I hope.
I dont deserve such a good family.
How it feels like when I have anxiety:
My throat closes up, my hands get sweaty. My heart races and I feel dizzy. I feel like i will die.
I hate it. Its the WORST. I feel like my world revolves around my mental illnesses.
I am a burden on my parents. They would never tell me that, but i know it.
If i could choose how to live, it would be going out with friends on the weekend, school on week days. Get a boyfriend and put no stress on my loved ones.
I can wish, but will my wishes come true?