Last night was the first night i heard bad voices in quite awhile. I just hope it wont continue because i dont want to change my meds again.
I was in the porch sitting on the recliner. I looked out at the spirits in the sky and Jack told me I was going to die that night.
I got nervous, but i didnt want to worry my parents.
SO i went to bed early, but couldnt fall asleep “Will i really die tonight?” i asked myself. I got myself so worked up that i had to take an anxiety pill.
i woke up several times and looked at the clock every now and then.
Finally i fell asleep.
I woke up at 7:00 and had to smile, i made it! I am alive!! I was SO happy that i clapped my hands excitedly.
Beat that Jack! I am going to live a LONG HAPPY HEALTHY LIFE!!!!
I stood in the center of my local WalMart looking around nervously. I felt confused. I felt dizzy. My hands were too heavy. I scrunched my eyes and hummed to myself.
I needed to get out of there, ASAP. I had a feeling i would soon be in a psychotic state. That hasn’t’ happened in months, but i could feel it coming!
I went to the shelf of religious books that was set up there. I knocked on the bible 23 times and started to look around. I felt someone was watching me. I was hearing a voice in my head saying “Do it”
I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! SO how can i do it!?
My friend i was there with appeared. He had been looking at mouth wash.
I Saw him and told him i was going outside. when i got there, i felt gooder. The breeze helped.
i sat on the bench and tapped my foot anxiously.
Soon my foot stopped, we went to the car. I buckled up tightly and held my breath until my friend started the ignition.
i let out my breath and i felt good.
I lay in the back of the ambulance off to the ER. My Mom and Dad were not with me and i was scared!
I cant remember everything of that night, i may have blacked out, not sure. But, i do remember being strapped down the the stretcher.
I was hallucinating like crazy. I saw dead people in the overhead lights.
I heard a man named Sam screaming at me. I rocked back and forth trying to loosen the straps.
when the EMT went to adjust the belts, i punched him.
“Dont hit me” he said.
I couldnt help it.
Some how, 30 minutes later, i was now in the restraint chair in the ER. I dont remember how i got from the ambulance to the restraint chair. I was too out of it.
I sat there struggling to get free for a LONG time. They finally gave me the shot and i slumped over. i was too drugged.
They moved me into a bed and the nice nurse gave me a warm, heated blanket. All the sudden i saw my DAd and Step DAd. i dont know how long they had been there.
i started to cry. i felt bad and selfish.
I was humiliated.
It was a terrible day.
The clock tics, “tic, tock, tic tock” The faucet drips, “Drip drop, drip, drop” The fan whirs and the AC moans.
I lay in bed, it was 3:03 am and i couldn’t sleep. too much noise, even in my head. I tossed, i turned.
Everything was too loud, i covered my ears with my hands.
“Big blue bus!!” I said 23 times, trying to stop the noises.
I uncovered my ears. It didnt work, the noises got louder and louder.
“BIG BLUE BUS!” I shouted over the noise.
I sat up grabbed my trusty nail scissors and started to slice my belly. As the blood came to surface, the sounds and noises started to calm down!
I threw the scissors across the room, i felt terrible. i had promised myself i would never cut again!!
Now i was bleeding.
I started to cry. i felt confused!
So i grabbed my mug and ran my fingers over the textures. In no time i felt gooder!
I fell asleep and everything was okay.
I used to be tiny. i was 98 lbs at the age of 16. I went into my first psych ward when i was 16 too. I was so little, that i sat in the corner in a ball and they couldn’t find me!
I heard them searching for me.
“She’s not in her room” i heard.
I started to sob and soon they found me.
they felt bad for me, i could tell.
I was having issues with cutting, hallucinating and throwing up after meals at that point.
I was locked in Westwood Lodge for 9 days, in patient and 1 month out patient.
I hated my life those days and didn’t know how to ask for help. SO i made a little paper man and tied a string around his neck. I hung him up. It was found, and i got in trouble.
I was locked in the closet. Nobody was around. I banged on the door screaming to “Let me out!!” The walls enclosed me. I had no air to breathe. I fell to my knees hitting my chin on an umbrella. It hurt and tears came to my eyes. I was scared i would be locked in there FOREVER!
I started to sob. I turned the handle once more, and it opened!
I stepped into the light. The room was silent. I looked around, my eyes adjusting to the sun through the windows.
I opened the front door and looked out. WalMart is directly across the street from my house. I watched a man burying trash under the ground. I smiled so hard it hurt.
“LALALA!” I shouted. He looked up and I ducked inside the house.
I put my arm in my mouth and sucked the blood through my skin. In result there was a dark bruise. i fell in love with that bruise. i wanted more. So i sucked my arms over and over. Soon my whole arm was full of bruises. i went to my room and went under the blankets. I repeated to myself over and over: “The meat will catch the sun” 23 times.
I put lotion on my arms. the bruises had already faded a little. i was glad. i wasnt proud of what i did.
My Dad got home then and asked about my arms.
I told him the truth, no point in lying.
Sad. So sad i felt. I am not sure why, but that first bruise was a milestone for me!!
today i am feeling amazing! I slept through the night with good dreams for once. I woke up, had a smoothie, took my pills, brushed my teeth and sat down to watch YouTube. I fell asleep.
I woke up in an ever better mood!! Id rate today 11. 10 being the highest.
Today i am going to lunch with Bill. Then i get my make up.
Mom made me a deal. if i go to Meals on Wheels for 6 hours a week, i get a $5 makeup from Dollar General!
and i am proud of myself for working. even though i cant last more then 3 hours at a time. My attention span is too short and i get anxiety if my ride is 3 minutes late.
Today two dump guys came to take my desk away. now i have space in my office.