Burden on my family. :(

How it feels like when I have anxiety:

My throat closes up, my hands get sweaty. My heart races and I feel dizzy. I feel like i will die.

I hate it. Its the WORST. I feel like my world revolves around my mental illnesses.

I am a burden on my parents. They would never tell me that, but i know it.

If i could choose how to live, it would be going out with friends on the weekend, school on week days. Get a boyfriend and put no stress on my loved ones.

I can wish, but will my wishes come true?

 

Advertisements

Gotta Love Anxiety. Not.

Im feeling terrible today. SO much anxiety! I am not sure what to do. I dont really want to leave the house. I am paranoid and afraid. So much can go wrong.

Mom asked me if i wanna go BACK to the hopistal. NO WAY! The thing is, its not the schizophrenia i am having a hard time with, its just the dang anxiety.

I dont feel like i will harm myself or anything.

My heart just keeps racing! I had a writing class i wanted to go to SO bad tonight, but i am just not up to it.

I just feel bad for my parents. They worry about me, and i wish i could make everything gooder for them.

I just need another med change. Not sure i was ready to leave the hopistal last week.

I felt good then, but the anxiety worsened.

I am just glad their are no voices to worry about too.

I have to learn how to distract myself. So i blog. that helps. always.

 

How to stop the anxiety?

My heart rate is high right now. I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS!! Its SO scary, i feel like death.

I had a nice day, why does my heart have to ruin things?

i know its just anxiety and not dangerous, but sure feels it.

So i am blogging. that always helps when i am anxious.

I am listening to Jadakiss on YouTube. I love music.

On a positive note, i have not thought about death for 2 whole days!! YAY!

I am doing great….but how can i stop the anxiety.

Today Sucks.

I hate Anxiety So much more then having schizophrenia. SO much. I feel like I am dying when i have anxiety. I feel alone and burden on my family. I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest. I feel dizzy and just terrible.

I can deal with the voices, they are not SOOO bad. I am used to them. But i will never get used to panic attacks.

I just want to cry but i dont want to worry Mom.

I came home from the Hopistal just yesterday. I dont know if i was ready. I FELT ready. But today sucks.

I couldnt find the crumb!!! :( ~

Last night was okay. I felt kinda sad but not sure why. I cried a lot. I felt lonely. I heard a couple neutral voices. One was Michelle. She told me to flick a bread crumb on the floor and move my eyes back and forth fast then find the crumb. I couldnt find it tho!!!

I felt bad and Michelle yelled at me telling me I am stupid.

SORRY!

I did not sleep well. I woke up and looked at the time at LEAST 12 times. When i woke up for good at 7:00 am, my eyes were puffy from crying.

I have been feeling so sad these days. I might mention it to my psychiatrist tomorrow.

It doesnt help that i still have anxiety and heart palpitations Its SO scary when my heart beat is off.

In the gift store, it was SO busy and I got all anxious. My heart rate went up.

 

Being alone is the worst feeling, ever. ~

I havent been locked up in a psych ward for 14 months, when will i stop having flashbacks??

How long does it take to get over trauma. I dont know if being locked up and restraint is considered to be traumatic, but it feels it…

I wake up with tears in my eyes from dreaming about being in the psych ward tied to a bed as a punishment.

I dont think being restraint helps the problem. there are much gooder options they could have used on me.

The shot works, but i hate to rely on medication to help me.

I like coping skills and talking out the issue.

But if it gets SO bad, they could bring me to a quiet place, but not leave me alone.

Being alone is the worst feeling ever.

 

I thought i was dreaming, but i was not!~

“Emily your turn” Libby said. I grabbed the dice and rolled praying it wouldn’t be two 4’s. It wasnt and i was relieved.

I tapped my fingers on the table, there were 7 of us playing the game and it took forever to get a turn.

I got bored waiting so left group. I walked down the hall to my room. I Passed the black rug and hopped over it.

there was nobody at the nurses station, nobody watching me. I went to the mirror on the ceiling and stared at my eyes. they were too dark, not mine and i panicked.

I went to the dining room and grabbed a butter packet. i took off the lid and threw it at that stupid mirror.

“What are you doing?” E asked me.

“I need to go!” I shouted. I raced to the locked door and tried to open the door with no luck. i pulled the doors over and over and over. I banged my fists on the wooden door.

E followed me. All the sudden the empty facility there were 4 staff on me. They restraint me.

“I didnt do anything!” I shouted.

THey ignored me and strapped me to the restraint chair. I kicked my feet and tried to free my hands.

It went from fine to chaotic in minutes. The nurse gave me a shot and i slumped over. I remember it well.

I just cant remember how i got from that chair to my bed. I woke up an hour later in my room with a sitter in my doorway.

“How are you feeling Emily?” SHe asked me.

“Where am I?” i mumbled.

“The psychiatric ward” She said. I started to cry, i thought i was dreaming, but i wasnt.