I knocked 23 times before entering. ~

I walked down the street looking at the beautiful trees with yellow, red and orange leaves. I stepped over a puddle and stepped onto the soggy grass.

My shoes sunk into the mud.

I continued walking. I heard a car behind me. i turned around quickly to make sure they were not going to kidnap me.

They didnt, they just drove by. I let out a sigh of relief.

I reached the red house on the block. I held my breath and took 23 big steps to pass the house. I made it in 17 steps. I let out my breath and continued walking.

as i walked, i looked into the sky. I saw spirits all over. I gave them a wave and a smile.

“Kick the mailbox” Jack told me. So i did. Not hard, just enough.

Jack lives in my head.

I finished my walk and returned home. I tapped the door knob 23 times before entering.

 

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I was ripping my hair out! It was NOT funny!~

I was always innocent and naive. I believed things i probably shouldn’t have. When i was in Westwood Lodge day therapy program, a guy drew a picture of a plant. He put the picture on a chair beside me and told me not to move it.

“It’s watching you” He told me. I was freaked out.

At lunch time, he brought the picture and set it on the table. i couldnt eat because i was scared of that plant.

I was in a panic.

I was so dumb!

But when i had to go to the bathroom, I went. That jerk slid that picture under the bathroom door. He was torching me!

I started to cry and spaz out. Lisa found me and brought me to her office. I was ripping out my hair. I was really out of it.

I finally told her what was going on. SHe talked to the jerk and he’s like “It was just a joke”

Not funny.

I loved School!

The first school i ever went to was Montessori. I went from pre school to 6th grade. It was the best school for me. It was really small for one thing. No lockers. No gym. No cafeteria.

we would do awesome field trips like sleepovers at the Ecotarium, Natures Classroom, and even dressed up in old fashion clothes and pretended to be village children at Old Sturbridge village.

For gym we would go to the YMCA. We used their gym and pool.

Friday’s we had pizza day.

The teachers were awesome. We learned French and Latin.

I was in the choir and it was great!

At that time, i first experienced panic attacks. I missed out on a couple trips because of it.

I started therapy in 1st or 2nd grade.

I was having problems with loose teeth. I pass out when i see blood or wiggly teeth so i didnt eat a lot when my teeth were wiggly.

i lost a little weight and my teacher noticed.

we also had science fairs and school plays. It really was a great school!

I spazzed out and had to be restraint!~

I got in line to take my nighttime meds. The nurses were late. I usually took them at 9:00 pm, it was now 10:35 pm. Two people ahead of me, i waited.

finally it was my turn. The nurse scanned my ID bracelet and gave me my pills. I had to open my mouth with my fingers so she could make sure i swallowed them. I did.

“Night” I told the nurse. I went to my room and climbed under the covers. I shut my eyes but couldnt sleep. I tossed and turned for awhile. I was nervous. I knew after a certain amount of time, my meds would kick in and i would start hallucinating, like always.

Sure enough, 12:00 arrived. I got out of bed and wobbled out to the nurses station. the nighttime staff was there. I didnt know any of them.

I started to cry.

“You ok?” One nurse asked me. I sat on the floor and wrapped my arms around my legs and cried.

She came over and asked if i wanted a PRN. I did, but i couldnt walk. i told her that. So she helped me to the nurses office. She did my bracelet and gave me an as needed pill.

“I Cant sleep” i said.

So Beth and i did a puzzle. SOmething in my brain happened then. I spazzed out. I started to bite my arms. Beth held down my arms. I kicked the puzzle over.

“Megan!” Beth called. Megan came running.

all the sudden there were 5 people on top of me, including 2 men which i did not appreciate…

I screamed and cried. They carried me to my room and lay me in my bed, still pinning me down.

my arms were bleeding from scrapes from my nails. All the sudden, i felt the needle in my arm..I HATE that needle, i had it once before.

I went limp. I felt dead. my eyes were sealed shut. When i opened them again, all i saw was a sitter sitting beside me.

“How are you?” She asked me.

“Good” i mumbled. I turned over and fell back to sleep till morning. what a night!!

 

 

I fell to my hands and knees!~

Fuzzy kitten sleeping on my sweater. But i am cold. I dont want to disturb you.. I grabbed a sweatshirt from my closet passing a picture of me and my friend. I stopped to look. I touched the photo with my finger. It was HOT! I pulled back my hand and blew on my finger. My friend in the picture came alive and started to laugh at me. Not funny.

I put on the sweatshirt and went to bed, tripping on my way. I fell to my hands and knees. I pressed my nose on the soft pink carpet.

“I gottcha” I said to the rug.

Bubbles raised to the surface of the rug. I popped them with my burnt finger. One by one. I sat on the edge of my bed. My feet were hanging. I got scared there was a monster under my bed. I got all freaked out.

The kitten came over to me. She attempted to jump on my bed, but fell, so i helped her. I climbed under my blankets, reaching for the light.

I was left in complete darkness. Except those kitten’s eyes. They glowed!!

My eyes widened with fear. I never liked cats. They scare me!

Is it my time to die?? PLEASE NO!~

I lay in bed, hands not mine, feet tingling. I stare at the ceiling with tears in my eyes. I felt so depressed last night.

I rolled over on my side. My eyes landed on my clock. It was 2:12 am. I should be asleep by now, but i was scared.

I was scared that tonight was the night i would die.

I was feeling so good yesterday morning, that i said to God, “I would be okay if I died today” Not because i was suicidal, but because i was at peace.

then i got freaked out that God would agree. I got all panicky and scared that it was going to happen.

I had a panic attack and was scared because my heart was racing.

Its the next day and i am still scared.

I feel like crying.

My room was the size of a coffin, how ironic!~ (life in a psych ward)

I climbed out of my bed with the broken spring. It was late, around midnight. I tiptoed out of my room. The staff at the nurses station didnt notice me walk by. I walked down the hallway on tip toes. I reached the door. The door that locks you in and takes away your freedom from the real world. I attempted to open it. Of course i couldnt.

i went back to my room the size of a coffin, how ironic.

I climbed into the squeaky bed and under the covers.

i couldnt sleep, but my meds were kicking in. When they do, i hallucinate. I cried silently as tears ran down my cheeks.

“Im okay” i said 23 times to myself.

“Checks” it was staff. i shut my eyes pretending to sleep.

My first night in a psych ward.

It was not a nice experience.

I woke up at 7:12 am for breakfast. I went to the cafeteria with 3 staff and 12 patients.

i got some yogurt and fruit. I Sat at a table alone. I didnt fit in with the other patients.

after breakfast was school.

Math was the last thing on my mind. I wanted to meet with the on site shrink to adjust my meds and get the heck out of there.

I had been admitted for hearing voices. Today they seemed to be pretty quiet. After school, i finally met with Dr G.

He did some ink blot tests on me. I was so scared i would get the answer wrong!

but i seemed to have done okay.

that day the voices were the neutral ones; not good or bad. They told me to do things like turn the TV in the den off and on 23 times.

The other patients didnt appreciate that and one threw a crayon at me.

I went to my room crying.  I WANNA GO HOME!!!

I somehow survived a week in that place. I knew i was not ready to go home, yet did not want to admit it…