My THREE diagnosis’s!

I have 3 diagnosis’s. OCD, Schizophrenia and Anxiety. They are three total different mental illnesses. I dont know the technical definitions, but i know how it feels to have them.

OCD: I count. (red lights, guard rails, dust particles, water bottles..) I obsess over things like running out of gas or being late for an appt. I harp on things and cant let it go.

Schizophrenia; I hear voices. I see things. I am paranoid. I have several voices in my head: Jack, Peter, Michelle #1, Michelle #2, Sassafras, Cereal, Miley and Nobody.

Anxiety is the worst diagnoses in my opinion.

I can deal with counting and hearing voices, i am used to it. But Anxiety never leaves!! I get bad panic attacks, my heart races.

But hearing voices is the scariest diagnosis. I feel like i cant do anything with out them butting in.

On the days the voices are quiet, are the best days, yet the weirdest. I have had voices in my head for a LONG not sure why some days, they are just gone!

Its odd.




I handled it all by MYSELF!!

i HATE anxiety. I just had a panic attack. My heart races and i feel dizzy. I was in my bed watching Teen Mom when my heart rate went up. I raced down to tell my Mom. she was taking a nap.

“Should I wake her?” I asked myself. I wasnt sure.

I picked up the phone. I litterely was going to call 911, thats how scared i was!

But i didnt. I got some water, took some deep breaths and turned on a funny show.

I handled it ALL BY MYSELF! I am extremely proud of myself. I have never got over a panic attack with out help.

I feel gooder now!

My heart rate is normal.

Meds slowing down my BRAIN!

Last night is what my Mom calls “A Bad Med Day” I was extremely confused. I had anxiety.

It was weird because everything i thought, did not make sense.

It was a little scary. Mom had me take my night meds early.

it seemed to work.

But i couldnt sleep.

I tossed and turned for hours.

I feel gooder this morning, but still a little confused.

I was thinking, is it possible to be on a medication for TOO long? I really feel like its my meds that are slowing my brain down.

I dont like it.

Anxiety VS Getting Dizzy!

Whenever i get dizzy, i reach out to the closest person.

I took karate for one day.. I got dizzy and grabbed the instructors hand.

In 2nd grade, C lost her tooth. I got dizzy and reached for a friend. I passed out.

I was visiting my Mom in rehab, and I got dizzy. I reached for the nurse.

I have been getting dizzy randomly since i was very young…..maybe 6 or 7?

I went to a school sleepover trip at the Ecotarium in 3rd grade. I got dizzy and grabbed my teacher. My Dad had to pick me up.

I dont know if getting dizzy and having anxiety are connected… I am not sure.

But i cant pick which is worse, anxiety or getting dizzy. They are both scary.


In the ER waiting for a bed in the PSYCH ward!~

I was in bed in the ER. My parents had left. it was 3:30 am. The lights were off and the place for once, was silent. I opened my eyes. i had a sitter watching me. My head hurt so bad from crying.

at 4:00 am, a staff came into my room with a wheelchair. I knew where they were going to bring me. The PSYCH ward!

“Noo” i said softly. I pulled the blankets over my head.

“Emily, there’s a bed open for you” The man said.

“I dont want to” i started to cry. They were not sympathetic.

They lifted me out of bed and sat me in the chair. I slumped over and cried.

we rode the elevator to level 2. I got buzzed in and the ER staff left. I got my room, it had two beds, but no roommate.

i picked the bed closest to the window. The night staff got me a toothbrush, comb, soap and deodorant.

i went to bed in my clothes because i came here unexpectedly.

I had 4 blankets but i was still cold. hot tears dripped down my cheek. I stared out the door.
I could NOT believe i was in ANOTHER psych ward. It was my 12th admission.

I finally fell asleep.

I knew everything about the psych ward, it was my 6th time in this particular one.

The morning staff are my favorite. They seemed to be happy to see me again when i came out for breakfast.

They moved me to a single room because i am scared of other paitents.

First thing i do every morning i am there, is call my Mom.

over the day, i call her over 20 times.

I go to group, i do crafts, i get one on one therapy.

The psych ward really isn’t SO bad. I just dont like that i cant just walk out the door.

I am locked in and have no freedom, but i do like the fact that there are nurses there 24/7 for taking my BP and heart rate. I feel safe.

I considered banging my head against the WALL!

My eyes were leaking. My bladder was full. I had anxiety. I was seeing and hearing things. I couldnt breathe.

I stood up on the cold concrete floor in a locked up room. I looked at each wall. They were white. a scary cold white.

I considered banging my head against the wall. I just wanted out.

But i didnt.

I had to pee SO bad!

“Please let me out” i said aloud. I think they forgot about me.

I sat on the 3 inch thick hard mattress on the floor. They had taken my clothes from me. All i had on was a double jonnie, no underwear.

I pulled the jonnie around me tight and jiggled my leg.

I couldnt hold it and peed myself.

I was so ashamed.

How can they get away with this!? I was NOT in jail, i was in a psychiatric ward!


Sleeping on a broken SPRING!!!

I tossed and turned. My mattress had a broken spring. I was freezing. I huddled under my blanket. I opened my eyes. They landed on the graffiti on my walls. Swears were written all over.


I looked up at a flash light shining in my eyes. Sigh. That was like the 10th “checks” in the past hour.

I lay on my back and stared at the light on my ceiling. it was off for the night.

All the sudden i heard screaming. I sat up quickly. One of the other patients was threatening to kill someone. I got so scared.

I quickly said a prayer to God to protect me..

I climbed out of bed and peeked around the corner. there were 4 staff restraining this girl named Chelsea.

She was fighting hard. My heart pounded.

“Im scared” I said to a staff that was at the desk.

“No need to be scared, you are safe” She said. I was not convinced.

I went back to my room and rocked back and forth

“Im ok, im ok, im ok” I repeated oVer and over. finally, finally, finally, the meds kicked in and i fell fast asleep, broken spring and all….