Even though i dont like my new psychiatrist, i have to admit she’s smart. I have had anxiety for YEARS. sometimes it comes and goes.
BUt since she put me on a new anti anxiety med, i have had almost NO anxiety!! None! Its great.
No panic attacks and my heart rate is normal.
Every day has been good days for me lately! I love it!!! 😀
I have never felt this relaxed and calm as i have these past couple weeks!!
I was waiting for my psychiatrist to call me into his office. I was in the waiting room. I tapped my foot on the tan speckled floor. I started a rhythm. I put my head back against the wall. it made a satisfying BANG. I smiled and did it again. I was trying to knock some sense into my head, no joke.
I had started to get mushy brain after being on meds so long.
I did one more BANG and Dr G called me.
After my appointment, I went to meet my ride. I sat on a purple couch waiting. The couch had a tiny tare in its fabric.
I made it bigger. I made a big rip and smiled. I was proud of myself.
My ride came. On the way home, i stared at the spirits. I saw a clump of spirits which means they are families.
At home, I took a nap and dreamed about life in general. Wishing i could get off these meds.
I find psych wards are either really hot, or really cold. Its never comfortable.
I walked the halls at Waltham Psych Ward. I was a patient at the time.
Thats we do. walk back and forth, back and forth. What a life.
I always looked forward to two things. Meal time and art class.
Its a cool psych ward because if you get on the right level we can get passes out for a few hours with family members.
I liked that.
Mom, my step Dad and I visited some relatives near by. we also went out for meals.
When Dad checked me out, we went to the movies.
The worst part, is when my parents had to leave.
I was SO sad and for some reason triggered panic attacks and psychotic episodes.
every night after visiting hours, staff knew what to expect from me.
So E would sit with me and calm me at those times. When T was on staff, a woman who HATED me, I would get locked up in a white room. All by myself.
You can tell she didnt like her job. Well she acted that way.
If you are a nurse or staff in a Psychiatric Ward, DONT lock a patient in a solitary room. it just makes things worse.
Do what E did. Talked and distract me from the issue.
When I was little, age 7, i had anxiety and panic attacks. They were so scary nobody knew what was going on.
I got LOTS of blood work, nothing.
Years passed, more anxiety. It went away for awhile.
Then in the last 6 months, its been worse then ever. I cant go ONE day with out it.
Its frustrating my whole family.
My Dr hates to prescribe meds. I begged her to give me something. So she did. I start taking it tomorrow at 5 pm. I cant WAIT.
Hopefully this pill will be the answer to my dreams!!!
I went to see my psychiatrist today. She wants me to use coping skills when i am having a hard time.
I CAN ONLY do so much to distract myself. I just wanna live an anxiety free life!
But I refused to leave until she gave me something to help with anxiety.
So she did. I forget the name of the meds. It is to be taken at 5:00 pm when my panic attacks start.
She also wants me to take a walk every night at 5:00 pm. I will do ANYTHING for this stupid anxiety to stop!!
I am pretty proud of myself!
I have had a hard couple weeks. no voices, just TONS of anxiety and depression.
I had MANY urges to cut. But i didnt!
I had opportunities to go to the ER. I felt unsafe.
Know what i did? I blogged. I colored. I wrote. I walked. DId everything i could to stay happy and safe.
I know it doesnt mean i am all better because of ONE good day. I am sure I will have struggles.
But I know I am strong. I refuse to go back to the psych ward.
I am struggling. Bad. I dont know if I should go to the Hopistal or not. I have never ever had anxiety and depression as much as i have past few weeks.
Its quite scary. I keep thinking bad thoughts and urges mainly cutting.
But i wont, or for sure i would be locked up for the 14th time in my life!
I just want to be happy, healthy, safe and loved.
I want my heart to stop racing.
I am starting to hate my life…i will NOT harm myself, i PROMISE. I just use my blog as a coping skill and to vent.