How it feels like when I have anxiety:
My throat closes up, my hands get sweaty. My heart races and I feel dizzy. I feel like i will die.
I hate it. Its the WORST. I feel like my world revolves around my mental illnesses.
I am a burden on my parents. They would never tell me that, but i know it.
If i could choose how to live, it would be going out with friends on the weekend, school on week days. Get a boyfriend and put no stress on my loved ones.
I can wish, but will my wishes come true?
Im feeling terrible today. SO much anxiety! I am not sure what to do. I dont really want to leave the house. I am paranoid and afraid. So much can go wrong.
Mom asked me if i wanna go BACK to the hopistal. NO WAY! The thing is, its not the schizophrenia i am having a hard time with, its just the dang anxiety.
I dont feel like i will harm myself or anything.
My heart just keeps racing! I had a writing class i wanted to go to SO bad tonight, but i am just not up to it.
I just feel bad for my parents. They worry about me, and i wish i could make everything gooder for them.
I just need another med change. Not sure i was ready to leave the hopistal last week.
I felt good then, but the anxiety worsened.
I am just glad their are no voices to worry about too.
I have to learn how to distract myself. So i blog. that helps. always.
My heart rate is high right now. I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS!! Its SO scary, i feel like death.
I had a nice day, why does my heart have to ruin things?
i know its just anxiety and not dangerous, but sure feels it.
So i am blogging. that always helps when i am anxious.
I am listening to Jadakiss on YouTube. I love music.
On a positive note, i have not thought about death for 2 whole days!! YAY!
I am doing great….but how can i stop the anxiety.
I hate Anxiety So much more then having schizophrenia. SO much. I feel like I am dying when i have anxiety. I feel alone and burden on my family. I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest. I feel dizzy and just terrible.
I can deal with the voices, they are not SOOO bad. I am used to them. But i will never get used to panic attacks.
I just want to cry but i dont want to worry Mom.
I came home from the Hopistal just yesterday. I dont know if i was ready. I FELT ready. But today sucks.
Last night was okay. I felt kinda sad but not sure why. I cried a lot. I felt lonely. I heard a couple neutral voices. One was Michelle. She told me to flick a bread crumb on the floor and move my eyes back and forth fast then find the crumb. I couldnt find it tho!!!
I felt bad and Michelle yelled at me telling me I am stupid.
I did not sleep well. I woke up and looked at the time at LEAST 12 times. When i woke up for good at 7:00 am, my eyes were puffy from crying.
I have been feeling so sad these days. I might mention it to my psychiatrist tomorrow.
It doesnt help that i still have anxiety and heart palpitations Its SO scary when my heart beat is off.
In the gift store, it was SO busy and I got all anxious. My heart rate went up.
I havent been locked up in a psych ward for 14 months, when will i stop having flashbacks??
How long does it take to get over trauma. I dont know if being locked up and restraint is considered to be traumatic, but it feels it…
I wake up with tears in my eyes from dreaming about being in the psych ward tied to a bed as a punishment.
I dont think being restraint helps the problem. there are much gooder options they could have used on me.
The shot works, but i hate to rely on medication to help me.
I like coping skills and talking out the issue.
But if it gets SO bad, they could bring me to a quiet place, but not leave me alone.
Being alone is the worst feeling ever.
“Emily your turn” Libby said. I grabbed the dice and rolled praying it wouldn’t be two 4’s. It wasnt and i was relieved.
I tapped my fingers on the table, there were 7 of us playing the game and it took forever to get a turn.
I got bored waiting so left group. I walked down the hall to my room. I Passed the black rug and hopped over it.
there was nobody at the nurses station, nobody watching me. I went to the mirror on the ceiling and stared at my eyes. they were too dark, not mine and i panicked.
I went to the dining room and grabbed a butter packet. i took off the lid and threw it at that stupid mirror.
“What are you doing?” E asked me.
“I need to go!” I shouted. I raced to the locked door and tried to open the door with no luck. i pulled the doors over and over and over. I banged my fists on the wooden door.
E followed me. All the sudden the empty facility there were 4 staff on me. They restraint me.
“I didnt do anything!” I shouted.
THey ignored me and strapped me to the restraint chair. I kicked my feet and tried to free my hands.
It went from fine to chaotic in minutes. The nurse gave me a shot and i slumped over. I remember it well.
I just cant remember how i got from that chair to my bed. I woke up an hour later in my room with a sitter in my doorway.
“How are you feeling Emily?” SHe asked me.
“Where am I?” i mumbled.
“The psychiatric ward” She said. I started to cry, i thought i was dreaming, but i wasnt.