I have had many ups and downs in my lifetime. I won awards, i got suspended.
I think i have had more ups then downs though.
I had a pretty good childhood. I did hear voices, but they didnt really bother me until the age of 16.
age 16 was the lowest point i ever reached.
It seemed like everything bad, happened when i was 16.
voices, hallucinations suspensions, cutting, eating disorders, first time in a psych ward, first time on medications.
It was the worst year of my life.
All the other years, were a lot better!
I sat in an empty room with staff while i got evaluated. It was a rough day for me. I had been seeing and hearing things nobody else could.
She had me fill out papers and asked what the voices were saying.
I dont know HOW people can tell when i am hallucinating.. i thought i hid it well, guess not.
After i did the evaluation, i sat there pinching my wrists until the lady came back and said i could be admitted.
I wave of relief went through my body. I really needed this program.
A staff went through my bags looking for sharps, there were none.
i got my own room downstairs the first two nights.
Then L said she had bad news, i was getting a roommate.
my roommate, snored. LOUD. i couldn’t sleep night #3.
so i got ear plugs, let me tell you, they were my bffs!!!
Being little was so much fun. I had quite the imagination that if i talked about at the age i am now, would it be considered hallucinations?
My mind has always been overactive. I had unicorn friends, friends with tree bark and dust particles.
I had a friend named Billy that would visit me at night. I had dreams of he and i running away together, into a world with no pain and violence.
I would wake up with a smile just thinking of him.
Billy went away, so did the unicorn friend, when i grew up.
My invisible friends were now living in my head. I could hear them, but i couldn’t see them. It was quite irritating.
I dont know if i like being an adult. It was so much easier being a carefree 9 year old.
I still have invisible friends but unfortunately are not as real as they used to feel..
I asked my Mom to ask ME how i would rate my mood daily like they did in the program i was in.
Yesterday and today were both 10! Thats the best it can be!
I think i am cured. Maybe in my case, schizophrenia can be cured because i sure feel like it!
I am SO happy! I am in a great mood!
Great. Now i am a Tiny bit nervous that i just cursed myself. I cant be too happy because thats when bad things happen!
I Still feel happy.
Today is another good day! I feel amazing! I got my hair shampooed, cut and blow dried. Its cute.
I dont miss Riverside yet but its nice to know its there when i need it.
I am SO proud that i ended up there instead of the psych ward. At Riverside we had so much more freedom. We cooked ourselves too.
I got a lot out of the groups we had. One group was about depression. It was nice to hear that depression is so common and lots of people have it.
Schizophrenia is a little less common, but there were a few people with that too. I am glad i qualified for the program because i dont know how safe at the time i could be with out it.
I have absolutely nothing to complain about!
This past visit to Riverside helped me so much!! I feel GREAT>
NO paranoid thoughts
NO fears of death
I have a permanent smile on my face. I feel SO good!
Its a new feeling for me. I have not cried in 4 days! I used to have flip flop emotions, but now i just feel, happy.
I just got home. I was in the program Riverside for 5 days. it was so nice. I got to relax and meet some really nice people. I slept, cooked, cleaned, watched friends and played games. i also colored.
I had a good time, except for two incidents.
One, I was seeing men with guns and ants everywhere. I saw dolphins bleeding HIV. I heard people swearing and yelling at me.
I saw bloody eye balls and finger nails being bent backwards.
The second incident had nothing to do with the voices. I was just dizzy. I couldnt feel my hands. They felt like they were not mine and they were cut off.
Overall it was nice. I hope to go again some day, but not anytime soon.
I am on a little higher dose of Haldol which helps with my voices,
My head is SO clear! I have no busy thoughts what so ever.
Its a little weird. I am used to a head FULL Of voices. But i think i could get used to this!!!