Weirdest thing. I forgot to blog about. I was listening to the radio at night trying to sleep. NO JOKE, i heard several songs, about voices!!
“Im friends with the monster, under my bed..make friends with the VOICES inside of my head”
“And there were VOICES, that want to be heard”
“One VOICE, is all we need”
I HEARD ALL THREE IN ABOUT 1 hour!
I feel like the radio was trying to talk to me. I patted the speaker 23 times and went to bed. But i couldnt sleep. It was really cool that they were reaching out to me!
I have 3 diagnosis’s. OCD, Schizophrenia and Anxiety. They are three total different mental illnesses. I dont know the technical definitions, but i know how it feels to have them.
OCD: I count. (red lights, guard rails, dust particles, water bottles..) I obsess over things like running out of gas or being late for an appt. I harp on things and cant let it go.
Schizophrenia; I hear voices. I see things. I am paranoid. I have several voices in my head: Jack, Peter, Michelle #1, Michelle #2, Sassafras, Cereal, Miley and Nobody.
Anxiety is the worst diagnoses in my opinion.
I can deal with counting and hearing voices, i am used to it. But Anxiety never leaves!! I get bad panic attacks, my heart races.
But hearing voices is the scariest diagnosis. I feel like i cant do anything with out them butting in.
On the days the voices are quiet, are the best days, yet the weirdest. I have had voices in my head for a LONG time..im not sure why some days, they are just gone!
i HATE anxiety. I just had a panic attack. My heart races and i feel dizzy. I was in my bed watching Teen Mom when my heart rate went up. I raced down to tell my Mom. she was taking a nap.
“Should I wake her?” I asked myself. I wasnt sure.
I picked up the phone. I litterely was going to call 911, thats how scared i was!
But i didnt. I got some water, took some deep breaths and turned on a funny show.
I handled it ALL BY MYSELF! I am extremely proud of myself. I have never got over a panic attack with out help.
I feel gooder now!
My heart rate is normal.
last time i was in the psych ward in November, I had A BAD feeling I was going to die. I dont know what happens there. My BP goes really low and my heart rate is really fast! EVERYTIME i am admitted this happens. I have panic attacks and get dizzy and hallucinate.
Soon as i get discharged, i am fine for a month or two, then i need another med adjustment. That means i gotta go into the psych ward.
But I have been out for 4 months and i feel great.
But its kinda sad. I am not living my life to its full potential. I worry about death so much. Its like i am counting down to death instead of something fun, like visiting my aunt.
Death is always on my mind. always.
I feel sad today. Not sure why. I just want to cry. I feel lonely. Last night was rough. I could not sleep. I started to cry around 2:00 am. I feared I was going to die last night. I accepted it. Then i realized, i really DONT want to die!!! So i repeated over and over
“I DONT WANNA DIE, I DONT WANNAT DIE!”
I soon fell asleep. I woke up an hour later and my eyes focused on my dog. I started to cry again because i felt bad for her. She cant talk to tell me what she needs. She depends on me to take care of her.
But how do I do that when its hard enough taking care of myself?
I feel like a child today. I feel immature and small. I feel confused and my brain feels mushy.
I just wanna play.
Its so weird!
Have you ever been in such a good mood, SO happy, that you just want to cry?
That’s how i feel. I had an amazing day! I met with a new therapist who i LUV! We got a new car. We had a nice dinner. My family is in a good mood…
My life is going so well!
I feel selfish. Its freezing and i have a roof over my head while there are homeless people everywhere living in the 30 degree weather. Its sad.
I dont know how to change the world. But i believe my role in saving this world, is being polite and complimenting others to make THEM feel good about themselves.
I go to the store and say to at LEAST 3 people “I love your hair!” “That shirt is so pretty!”
I like to make people happy. And everything i say, i mean.
I just feel so great!
I am on the right meds for the first time in years!
I have had my share of loud dreams. LOUD. Not voices, just loud noises. I try to wake myself up, but no luck. I feel like i am dying because I am in a cyclone and i fear thats when death is… after you die, u end up in a cyclone for the rest of time.
It does not seem like death is real to me. I feel like if i stabbed my heart, i couldnt die.
But, one day i will die. and its me BIGGEST fear!
Just think about it…one day your Mom will die, your Dad, your child..
Its SO scary to think about.
I try to prevent dying by staying healthy, not doing drugs or alcohol.
I hope to live till at least age 80.. i dont know…but I could die tonight.
CAN IT BE REAL!?