I had the worst step mom.

I still have nightmares about my brothers mother. She and i never got along. She would blame me for when she and my Dad fought.

She made me do a crazy amount of chores for no allowance.

She would favor my brother.

She always gave me the broken chair at meal times.

I wasnt allowed to shut my bedroom door.

I had to go to school crying most days because she emotionally abused me.

I think one reason i was admitted into my first psych ward was because of her.

She didnt get along with my Mom at all.

You would think 13 years later it would just be a bad memory. But i was literally traumatized by her and I think of her at least twice a week.

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I loved School!

The first school i ever went to was Montessori. I went from pre school to 6th grade. It was the best school for me. It was really small for one thing. No lockers. No gym. No cafeteria.

we would do awesome field trips like sleepovers at the Ecotarium, Natures Classroom, and even dressed up in old fashion clothes and pretended to be village children at Old Sturbridge village.

For gym we would go to the YMCA. We used their gym and pool.

Friday’s we had pizza day.

The teachers were awesome. We learned French and Latin.

I was in the choir and it was great!

At that time, i first experienced panic attacks. I missed out on a couple trips because of it.

I started therapy in 1st or 2nd grade.

I was having problems with loose teeth. I pass out when i see blood or wiggly teeth so i didnt eat a lot when my teeth were wiggly.

i lost a little weight and my teacher noticed.

we also had science fairs and school plays. It really was a great school!

29 year old Schizophrenic!

I sometimes wonder what happened to me. One day i was your average 16 year old girl. Next day I was schizophrenic and in the psych ward! It seemed to happen overnight!

It started out with me keep getting in trouble at school. I would do things the teachers didnt understand. It got bad, i got suspended.

I got tested for something, i am not sure what. So i had to go to my town’s high school and do a bunch of puzzles. I never got the results.

But i got taken out of my current school and enrolled in a therapeutic school.

I went to my first shrink and got put on Paxil. I did not like him, so we looked for someone else.

I met Dr A. He and i met at the local hopistal.

He decided I should go to Arbor Fuller, a psych ward for adolescents.

I sat in the back seat on the way to the psych ward. A flood of emotions rushed through my body.

I was excited!

as we got closer, excitement turned into scared. I grabbed my bags and followed DAd into a BIG building.

I was VERY scared.

But after a week there, things were not better. I went back to school for a few weeks, but my meds were just not perfect. so i went to my 2nd psych ward.

I was no longer just a 16 year old girl. I was a 16 year old girl, with a mental illness.

It was scary taking meds because they came with all sorts of side effects.

Weight gain, drooling, heart palpitations, anxiety… It was not fun searching for the right meds for me. It took a lot of hard work!

But today. I am a 29 year old with mental illness, BUT i have not been locked up in 14 months!!!

I HATE nighttime!~

I Have not been sleeping too well these days. It could be a couple things. I need a med change. I am scared of dying in my sleep. My head is busy. I keep counting. I dont. know. its frustrating. I go to bed tired. I stay awake, meds kick in, i feel strange. I fall asleep for 10 minutes, wake up thinking its morning. i get disappointed because its not. I try to sleep. The voices wont shut up. I look at the clock every few minutes.

I HATE nighttime SO much!

I keep having that bad dream about being molested. Its scary.

I didnt sleep for a LONG time. but now that a got some, i feel much gooder!!

 

I LOVED to CUT! (triggering to some)~

Sometimes i crave cutting. Not only when i am depressed. Sometimes I am lonely. Just the feeling of my nail scissors cutting my flesh, is very soothing. I know that’s bad.

I like seeing the blood.

When i first experienced cutting in 7th grade, I was proud. I made X’s on my arms and wrote DIE on my belly with a paperclip.

I got in trouble. At school and home.

At that time, i didnt see the big deal, whats wrong with cutting??

I wore a white tee one day and in the middle of History class, i looked down. I had red lines all over my shirt. Blood from the slices in my belly.

I got nervous someone would notice so i wore my friends’ sweatshirt till i got home. I threw that shirt out.

when i took a shower, the water made my belly cuts burn, and itch.

i went to bed that night upset.

I did some more cutting. I made a brand on my arm. It bled a little more then i expected. I got super scared that the bleeding wouldnt stop, and i would have to tell my DAd.

but i tied an old sock around my arm and the bleeding eventually stopped.

0 Hours of Sleep. ~

I went to bed last night at 9:00 pm. I tossed and turned for hours. At 2:00 am, i woke up and went on Facebook. I was tired and it was hard to type. So i went back to bed. I had TONS of nightmares, while I was awake.

A certain somebody was hurting me. She put a needle in my arm when made me weak and she dragged me to the car. She put me in the trunk.

I opened my eyes.

It was 4:03 am. I went down to tell Mom i couldnt sleep. She gave me a pill. It didnt work. I stared at my wall until 6:00 and gave up.

I put on my YouTube. I watched movies till 8:00. I went downstairs and fed my dog, made breakfast.

I slept 0 hours last night.

WHen i got home today, I tried to nap. but couldnt…  i just cant sleep. I am not really tired, but my head is foggy and eyes are blurry.

They overdosed me on meds in the ER.

I Hardly ever have psychotic episodes during the day, besides in the psych ward. But at home, i always have problems when its dark. I have never been to the ER before 9:30 pm.

Im not sure why. I seem to get depressed at night too. It must be lack of sunshine..idk.

I do prefer taking the ambulance to the ER Over my parents bringing me. I am scared I will jump out of the car if my Step DAd were to drive me, or take away the steering wheel.

I hate the ambulance too, but at least i feel safe.

I get bad vibes when i get to the ER> I get scared they will over dose me on medication…they did that before but fortunately i was okay.

I hate not remembering what happened. I blank out and wake up somewhere else. Kinda scary!