Last night was the first night i heard bad voices in quite awhile. I just hope it wont continue because i dont want to change my meds again.
I was in the porch sitting on the recliner. I looked out at the spirits in the sky and Jack told me I was going to die that night.
I got nervous, but i didnt want to worry my parents.
SO i went to bed early, but couldnt fall asleep “Will i really die tonight?” i asked myself. I got myself so worked up that i had to take an anxiety pill.
i woke up several times and looked at the clock every now and then.
Finally i fell asleep.
I woke up at 7:00 and had to smile, i made it! I am alive!! I was SO happy that i clapped my hands excitedly.
Beat that Jack! I am going to live a LONG HAPPY HEALTHY LIFE!!!!
I had a teeth cleaning today at my favorite dentists, DR O.
I LOVE everyone there they are super nice! They even put a nice warm blanket on me while they are working on my teeth.
I feel really comfortable there.
After my teeth were clean, i got a goody bag! In it was a toothbrush, paste, floss and mouthwash.
I found an old journal from when i was 16. The same year i was diagnosed with schizophrenia. It was so hard to read, i was in so much pain!
I wrote i was in Waltham Behavioral Psych Ward and I was scared, i just wanted to go home.
“I got in trouble today for cutting. They locked me up in a room as a punishment, but that made it worse”
“Jillian is my roommate and she never bathes, the room stinks”
“Ella gives me M&Ms every night to go with my pills, it makes me happy”
“I miss my family, SO much! I JUST WANNA GO HOME!”
The journal went on with the meds i was on and pictures i drew. They were not happy pictures, they were needles in the eye and knifes in throats.
I have come such a far way and i plan on never being admitted, ever, again! xo ❤
Its amazing what music does to me! If i am in a bad mood, i listen and it cheers me up, well certain songs.
Like White Houses by Vanessa Carlton. I listened to that song OVER and OVER on the way to my very first psych ward. Every time i listen to it, I feel good, a little sad, but good.
The other day i was having a hard night. I cried for hours and had urges to cut.
So i put on Let Her Go by passenger, then Last Words and I lay down.
In about 10 minutes i was fine, i didnt CUT!
I was strong. Music really helps me stay safe. I like all sorts of music
Mostly hip hop, and country.
BUt seriously, music saved my life, if i didnt have it to use to cope, I could have hurt myself or even died, when feeling depressed.
I love seeing Dad. Its not too often, but whenever we get together, we always have a lot of fun!
today we went out for breakfast. I had French toast and home fries with water.
when we got served, we heard a big crash.
An old man had fallen!! Dad jumped up to help him, but someone else got there first. Poor guy, at least he wasn’t hurt.
then we went to the apple orchard gift shop. we looked at antiques and little trinkets.
I love my life. i love my parents, i love my siblings and i love my friends and family.
I stood in the center of my local WalMart looking around nervously. I felt confused. I felt dizzy. My hands were too heavy. I scrunched my eyes and hummed to myself.
I needed to get out of there, ASAP. I had a feeling i would soon be in a psychotic state. That hasn’t’ happened in months, but i could feel it coming!
I went to the shelf of religious books that was set up there. I knocked on the bible 23 times and started to look around. I felt someone was watching me. I was hearing a voice in my head saying “Do it”
I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! SO how can i do it!?
My friend i was there with appeared. He had been looking at mouth wash.
I Saw him and told him i was going outside. when i got there, i felt gooder. The breeze helped.
i sat on the bench and tapped my foot anxiously.
Soon my foot stopped, we went to the car. I buckled up tightly and held my breath until my friend started the ignition.
i let out my breath and i felt good.
Sometimes my brain scares me. If it is capable of creating people in my head or whatever, what else is it capable of.
I tell my hand to move, but it doesnt. Then my brain gets into a fight, against itself.
“Close your hands, make a fist!” “DONT close your hands, DONT make a fist”
My brain gets me in the middle and i am not sure who to answer!
Do i agree with Michelle, or Jack, even though he can be mean, he gets me and makes sense.
There are way too many people in my head and i am starting to hate it.
I hate having schizophrenia. Its the worst thing i deal with on a daily basis.