Did I ever think I would be diagnosed with schizophrenia at the age 16? Heck no. I had never even heard of the word.
I had too much going on in life at such a young age. Voices, new meds, new school, first visits to psychiatric wards..
It was the worst year of my life.
My anxiety level was high and i didnt fit in at school. There were all sorts of rumors about me which didnt help.
I walked down the hallway trying not to cry. I got in trouble a lot. I was struggling mentally and emotionally, academically too actually.
My principal put a lock on my locker when i got suspended. Of course everyone saw it and wondered why there was only one locked locker.
That drove even more unwanted attention to me. Sigh.
It was the best day ever when i left that school and got enrolled into a therapeutic school.
i graduated in 2007 and still have my two bffs i made in 10th grade!!
I have TONS of fond memories! Not every memory has to do with psych wards and schizophrenia.
My Mom was a single Mom when she and my DAd first divorced when i was 4. We lived in a one room apartment down the road from my school.
In the winter, together we would sled down the apartments hills on card board boxes. It was a blast!!
Once went to NH with my DAd and his ex wife and my brother. One morning DAd woke me up to go to the board walk. JUST me and Him!! I felt so loved. I Didnt care where we went, just as long as it was just me and him.
I went to two proms! Jr and Senior. I loved dressing up, doing hair and makeup! I felt like a princess!
I have tons of fun birthdays!! Hotels, limos, white river rafting!! It was SO awesome!!
I love my life and wouldnt change it ever!
I cant seem to find a tutor. So. My Mom and Step Dad, Bob, will tutor me!
Today we are working on multiplication and division. Dont judge. I know thats an elementary school level.
I just need to brush up on some facts then move onto other problems!
I just did some problems and only got one wrong.
i feel proud.
I LOVE TO LEARN!
I want to learn so bad!!
I have really bad anxiety, some days. Not every. But when i do, i hate it. I cant even go to my friends wedding because i fear panic attacks in large crowds.
When i went to the circus a few years ago, i got dizzy and had to leave.
I can only see first showing at the movie cinema. When there is hardly anyone there. But, in the movies, instead of enjoying the film, i count down minutes till its over.
I hate doing that because i just cant concentrate. I look at the time on my cell at least every 3 minuets.
Anxiety is the worst. THE WORST.
I dont want to get married. ever, thanks to anxiety. i hate attention.
Today i am going to the library to print some math sheets to work on with my step Dad. I wanted to work on pre algebra, something i was never introduced to.
But that may be too hard.
i took a 5th grade test online and failed it. I feel so dumb. I am at an addition of fractions level.
It makes me a little mad that the therapeutics school i went to , didnt teach me enough. I mean coping skills are important, but so is academics.
If i went to a “normal” school, i would know some algebra.
So i gotta start off with 4th/5th grade math. If i get that, i will move up to 6th, 7th 8th…..
I dont know what to expect when i die.
Even though i have been having good days, lots of good days, i cant help still worrying about death.
I am worried to die because i am afraid that when i do, i will be in some sort of cyclone for the rest of eternity.
I am scared to leave my loved ones and i am scared to lose loved ones.
I mostly think about death when i am alone, which is one reason why i created my twin Miley. I like to talk to her about these things.
Since i created her, i get to choose what she says.
So basically i am good at calming MYSELF down!
When i get a little sad, i say “Snap out of it”
it works. I snap out of it and move on with life.
I had a nice fathers day with my Dads. My Dad, brothers and I spent yesterday at OSV (Old Sturbridge Village) It was fun! we walked around, got to see some cool places and even saw a baby cow Aww.
For lunch we ate in the Tavern. My Dad and i both had chicken pot pie. my brothers had clam chowder. It was good.
I was SO hot, but i had a great time.
TOday i spent the day with my step DAd. It was relaxing, we had a nice meal.
my friend CC came over to clean. she did a good job so i gave her $50.
I feel good, again! YAY
Happy Fathers Day!