“I am a terrible singer”
“No your not”
“Yes I am” (She’s not but likes attention)
“I cut myself last night” She told her therapist.
“What were you feeling?”
“I dont know how to ask for help” She admits. She craves attention.
The way she dresses, for the guys attention.
attention: notice taken of someone or something; the regarding of someone or something as interesting or important.
We all need attention to make our-selves feel good about ourselves.
But there are healthy and unhealthy ways to get it.
I chose a lot of unhealthy choices to get attention growing up, some i regret, like cutting and trying to poison myself.
At the time, i wasnt trying to get negative attention, i just had no clue how to get the help i needed.
So i cut. I cut in front of cameras, praying to be caught. But i never was!
I feel SO sad right now. I am not sure why. I am crying as i write this. I feel empty and alone, even though my family is in the next room.
I hate when i feel like this, for NO reason.
I might take a bath, that might help.
I have an eye apt tomorrow, hope i dont have a tumor in my eye. I know, i probably dont. But i still have that fear.
I volunteered at the Senior Center and Library today. I am wiped. At the Senior Center, i filled 300 Easter eggs with 5 jelly beans and 1 chocolate egg. It was FUN!
Then i went to the Library and organized the books, pulled them to the edge so the people can read titles. It sounds easy, but its not! Its tiring.
I was kneeling down doing the bottom shelf. I stood up and had a head rush. My ear started to ring and i felt dizzy.
But i didnt give up! I just took a drink and got back to work! I am proud of myself.
But at the end of my shift, I felt the librarian didnt think i did a good job.
But my friends and family said not to take offence. I am just a volunteer, i do what i can.
But I handled that mini panic attack, With OUT meds!!
I think they need more space in ER’s. I have talked about this before. Which is more urgent? A person with a broken bone, or a person having a psychotic episode?
You would probably say the person with a broken bone trumps hallucinating.
I dis agree.
The last two times i was brought to the ER for hearing voices and such, i didn’t even get a room. I Was on a stretcher in a narrow hall.
My step Dad was trying to control me with no help.
I knew what was going on, but i couldn’t stop!
My hands were not mine and i begged them to cut off my hands. They kinda ignored me.
After an hour of screaming and hallucinating, the on site shrink came to talk to me. He didn’t seem to care what i had to say. He just told me there was a bed open for me in the psych ward.
He didn’t even talk to me. IF he did, he would know, i didn’t need to go to the psych ward.. I just needed meds and someone to talk to.
Anyways. There should be more beds open in ER’s. That’s my point.
I have never been into writing about Fantasy topics. I feel having schizophrenia, I live enough in a fantasy world.
Hearing voices is not normal. I learned that from my therapist Stacey. I never told anyone i heard voices when i was younger, because i thought, everyone heard them.
I used to see my name written all over the place. On rugs, couches, clothes tags, notebooks, lockers….turns out that wasnt true.
My therapist Danielle told me that.
Sue is the therapist that first told me i had OCD. I never thought obsessing over time and such, is OCD.
I dont like reading about fairies and dragons.
I prefer reality books. Things that could happen in REAL life. Thats why i write about teen moms and eating disorders. That’s my passions.
I hate to sleep. I do sleep, but it takes hours to drift off. But when i actually fall asleep, I sleep. for a long time.
I am scared of the nighttime. Bad stuff happens at night. Robberies, psychotic episodes, trips to the ER, death.
My morning meds seem to make me more tired then my nighttime meds.
I cant fall asleep quickly like i used to. When i wake up i am refreshed, till i take my morning meds. I get tired all over again!
Its a waste, sleep is a waste. If i could live with out sleeping, i totally would!
The weird thing is, the less sleep i get, the more energy i have.
I go with out sleep at least once a week and those days are my favorite.
One day in the Christian School i went to for 3.5 years, i decided to pierce my ear with a sharp earring. I did the cartilage. I asked for the bathroom pass every other class. i would go to the ladies room and press the earring in my flesh a little harder each time.
Finally after a day or so, it was in! It hurt but i liked it. I showed it off to my friends.
About 4 days later, my ear really hurt. So i went to the school nurse.
“Its extremely infected” She told me. I was suppose to take it out and tell my parents what i did.
i was scared! I didnt wanna get in trouble and i was upset!
so i took out the earring and she put peroxide on my ear.
“Promise me you will tell your parents” Nurse told me. I promised.
I went back to art class crying. My art teacher asked what was wrong. I told her. She sat me down and together we prayed.
I did tell Mom that night, she wasn’t as mad as i had expected, but I felt bad.