I knocked 23 times before entering. ~

I walked down the street looking at the beautiful trees with yellow, red and orange leaves. I stepped over a puddle and stepped onto the soggy grass.

My shoes sunk into the mud.

I continued walking. I heard a car behind me. i turned around quickly to make sure they were not going to kidnap me.

They didnt, they just drove by. I let out a sigh of relief.

I reached the red house on the block. I held my breath and took 23 big steps to pass the house. I made it in 17 steps. I let out my breath and continued walking.

as i walked, i looked into the sky. I saw spirits all over. I gave them a wave and a smile.

“Kick the mailbox” Jack told me. So i did. Not hard, just enough.

Jack lives in my head.

I finished my walk and returned home. I tapped the door knob 23 times before entering.

 

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My hands hurt.

Today I felt angry. Its rare when i feel that emotion. I am usually happy, or depressed. I looked in the mirror and didnt like what i saw.

So i threw my notebook at my reflection. I was shaking and my hands were not mine. I sat on the floor for over 10 minutes  looking at my hands.

I grabbed a pencil and traced the lines on my hand over and over, harder and harder. No blood, just little scratches.

well that was a mistake. I washed my hair and the shampoo burned my hands. It HURT

It scares me when i feel angry because thats when i imagine myself doing BAD stuff. Like hurting people..

I feel gooder now, but my hands still hurt…

“Watering can, can you grant me a wish?”

I walked over to the painting of a watering can. I touched the painting with my hand. I raced to the dining room and got a cup of water. I dipped my hand in the water and dabbed the can’s spout.

“Watering can, can you grant me a wish?” i asked. I set the cup of water on the floor and sat on the rocking chair. I folded me hands to pray.

“I miss my family, i just wanna go home.. i have been here locked up for 9 days. 8 days too long..”

I stood up and forgot that the water was there, i kicked it over. I felt bad. I raced to get a towel. i moped up the water and then put it in the laundry.

it was group time. we were going to meet on the porch. I stared out of the fenced in porch.

I saw a little girl in a stroller. i waved to her. she waved back. that made my day. She was so cute!

we did our goals and did a coping skill group.

after group, i passed that painting again. I smiled to myself and went to my room.

My Dr came in and said i would be discharged in the morning!! I WAS SO EXCITED. THANK U WATERING CAN!!

 

They said if i didnt eat, they would tube feed me!~ :(

I had just thrown up my meal and caught. Lisa, staff at my therapy program, caught me throwing up after lunch. I was in the bathroom puking when she knocked.

“Emily let me in!” She shouted. I flushed and did.

“I am getting sick of this childish behavior” Lisa shouted. She took me by the arm and led me to the kids group. I was hearing voices that day.  I Sat in the seat she put me. I covered my ears with my hands and shook my head back and forth.

“Stop it” I demanded to the voices. I punched my leg harder and harder. Lisa grabbed my hands and held me still.

“Stop” She said.

Peter was there. my favorite hallucination.

“Kick her” He said.

I tried but Lisa held my leg.

“Lemme go!!” I shouted.

That day after therapy, Dad picked me up. Lisa had a talk with him. She told him i was unstable so  i had to be admitted into the in patient program, that night.

I was SO mad!

But i did and refused to eat to get back at them.

They said if i didnt eat, they would tube feed me.

sigh.

I cant get a break..

I was ripping my hair out! It was NOT funny!~

I was always innocent and naive. I believed things i probably shouldn’t have. When i was in Westwood Lodge day therapy program, a guy drew a picture of a plant. He put the picture on a chair beside me and told me not to move it.

“It’s watching you” He told me. I was freaked out.

At lunch time, he brought the picture and set it on the table. i couldnt eat because i was scared of that plant.

I was in a panic.

I was so dumb!

But when i had to go to the bathroom, I went. That jerk slid that picture under the bathroom door. He was torching me!

I started to cry and spaz out. Lisa found me and brought me to her office. I was ripping out my hair. I was really out of it.

I finally told her what was going on. SHe talked to the jerk and he’s like “It was just a joke”

Not funny.

My tooth crown fell out!~

I feel at peace today. I woke up in a good mood after a nice sleep. I had breakfast with Bill at Friendly’s.

Then we went to JCP and i got a purse with gift card Dad got me for my birthday. Its pink and sparkly! It was on sale for $38.

Then we went to the library. I got a Christmas book and the ELF DVD. I am in the Christmas spirit already and its not even Halloween!

i helped my step Dad empty the lawn mower. Its COLD outside!

I was eating a cracker when i felt something hard. I spat out my crown!

I Had a root canal a few years ago and my dentist put in a crown. It was loose last week so i went to the dentist. they said it was not loose, so i just went home.

But it just fell out. Now theres a gaping hole in my mouth feels SO weird. at least it doesnt hurt!

I felt safe enough to sleep. ~

“Night Doll” Dad tucked me into bed. He covered me in 4 blankets. there was no heat on this psych ward. It was December too.

I hugged my Grover doll with tears in my eyes.

“Dont leave” i whispered.

“Visiting hours are over” Dad said softly. I started to cry. so did Dad. It was only 7:00 pm, but i was in bed just so Dad could tuck me in.

Dad left and i cried harder. A staff came in and asked if i wanted to take my pills early. i did. so she gave them to me in bed. It was 9:00 pm.. i shut my eyes trying to sleep. But i couldnt.

Plus it was only my 2nd day on this new medication and i was not used to it yet.

I started to hallucinate.

I saw ants all over my walls. i was shivering. I climbed out of bed clumsily

i couldnt walk straight. I went to the dresser and sat on the floor and wrapped my arms around my legs and rocked back and forth. I heard staff come in for checks.

“Where is Emily?” i heard her ask. I am right here i said in my head.

the light turned on and two staff entered my room.

“There you are” D said. She helped me back into bed. I was crying again.

“I will sit right here if you need me” D put her chair in my doorway and sat. I felt safe enough to drift off.