I walked down the street looking at the beautiful trees with yellow, red and orange leaves. I stepped over a puddle and stepped onto the soggy grass.
My shoes sunk into the mud.
I continued walking. I heard a car behind me. i turned around quickly to make sure they were not going to kidnap me.
They didnt, they just drove by. I let out a sigh of relief.
I reached the red house on the block. I held my breath and took 23 big steps to pass the house. I made it in 17 steps. I let out my breath and continued walking.
as i walked, i looked into the sky. I saw spirits all over. I gave them a wave and a smile.
“Kick the mailbox” Jack told me. So i did. Not hard, just enough.
Jack lives in my head.
I finished my walk and returned home. I tapped the door knob 23 times before entering.
Today I felt angry. Its rare when i feel that emotion. I am usually happy, or depressed. I looked in the mirror and didnt like what i saw.
So i threw my notebook at my reflection. I was shaking and my hands were not mine. I sat on the floor for over 10 minutes looking at my hands.
I grabbed a pencil and traced the lines on my hand over and over, harder and harder. No blood, just little scratches.
well that was a mistake. I washed my hair and the shampoo burned my hands. It HURT
It scares me when i feel angry because thats when i imagine myself doing BAD stuff. Like hurting people..
I feel gooder now, but my hands still hurt…
I walked over to the painting of a watering can. I touched the painting with my hand. I raced to the dining room and got a cup of water. I dipped my hand in the water and dabbed the can’s spout.
“Watering can, can you grant me a wish?” i asked. I set the cup of water on the floor and sat on the rocking chair. I folded me hands to pray.
“I miss my family, i just wanna go home.. i have been here locked up for 9 days. 8 days too long..”
I stood up and forgot that the water was there, i kicked it over. I felt bad. I raced to get a towel. i moped up the water and then put it in the laundry.
it was group time. we were going to meet on the porch. I stared out of the fenced in porch.
I saw a little girl in a stroller. i waved to her. she waved back. that made my day. She was so cute!
we did our goals and did a coping skill group.
after group, i passed that painting again. I smiled to myself and went to my room.
My Dr came in and said i would be discharged in the morning!! I WAS SO EXCITED. THANK U WATERING CAN!!
I had just thrown up my meal and caught. Lisa, staff at my therapy program, caught me throwing up after lunch. I was in the bathroom puking when she knocked.
“Emily let me in!” She shouted. I flushed and did.
“I am getting sick of this childish behavior” Lisa shouted. She took me by the arm and led me to the kids group. I was hearing voices that day. I Sat in the seat she put me. I covered my ears with my hands and shook my head back and forth.
“Stop it” I demanded to the voices. I punched my leg harder and harder. Lisa grabbed my hands and held me still.
“Stop” She said.
Peter was there. my favorite hallucination.
“Kick her” He said.
I tried but Lisa held my leg.
“Lemme go!!” I shouted.
That day after therapy, Dad picked me up. Lisa had a talk with him. She told him i was unstable so i had to be admitted into the in patient program, that night.
I was SO mad!
But i did and refused to eat to get back at them.
They said if i didnt eat, they would tube feed me.
I cant get a break..
I was always innocent and naive. I believed things i probably shouldn’t have. When i was in Westwood Lodge day therapy program, a guy drew a picture of a plant. He put the picture on a chair beside me and told me not to move it.
“It’s watching you” He told me. I was freaked out.
At lunch time, he brought the picture and set it on the table. i couldnt eat because i was scared of that plant.
I was in a panic.
I was so dumb!
But when i had to go to the bathroom, I went. That jerk slid that picture under the bathroom door. He was torching me!
I started to cry and spaz out. Lisa found me and brought me to her office. I was ripping out my hair. I was really out of it.
I finally told her what was going on. SHe talked to the jerk and he’s like “It was just a joke”
I feel at peace today. I woke up in a good mood after a nice sleep. I had breakfast with Bill at Friendly’s.
Then we went to JCP and i got a purse with gift card Dad got me for my birthday. Its pink and sparkly! It was on sale for $38.
Then we went to the library. I got a Christmas book and the ELF DVD. I am in the Christmas spirit already and its not even Halloween!
i helped my step Dad empty the lawn mower. Its COLD outside!
I was eating a cracker when i felt something hard. I spat out my crown!
I Had a root canal a few years ago and my dentist put in a crown. It was loose last week so i went to the dentist. they said it was not loose, so i just went home.
But it just fell out. Now theres a gaping hole in my mouth feels SO weird. at least it doesnt hurt!
“Night Doll” Dad tucked me into bed. He covered me in 4 blankets. there was no heat on this psych ward. It was December too.
I hugged my Grover doll with tears in my eyes.
“Dont leave” i whispered.
“Visiting hours are over” Dad said softly. I started to cry. so did Dad. It was only 7:00 pm, but i was in bed just so Dad could tuck me in.
Dad left and i cried harder. A staff came in and asked if i wanted to take my pills early. i did. so she gave them to me in bed. It was 9:00 pm.. i shut my eyes trying to sleep. But i couldnt.
Plus it was only my 2nd day on this new medication and i was not used to it yet.
I started to hallucinate.
I saw ants all over my walls. i was shivering. I climbed out of bed clumsily
i couldnt walk straight. I went to the dresser and sat on the floor and wrapped my arms around my legs and rocked back and forth. I heard staff come in for checks.
“Where is Emily?” i heard her ask. I am right here i said in my head.
the light turned on and two staff entered my room.
“There you are” D said. She helped me back into bed. I was crying again.
“I will sit right here if you need me” D put her chair in my doorway and sat. I felt safe enough to drift off.