So sad.

i feel very, very sad. I am crying. My mom doesnt want me to go to the hopistal, neither do I.

So i am using my coping skills. I took a walk, took a pill and now blogging.

I hate feeling this way.

I feel terrible for no reason. i had a great day.

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2 thoughts on “So sad.

  1. I understand the sudden left turns that sz can take, that would lead you to write that there is no reason for why you feel sad. In my experience, (and i’m interested in your experience), there are images or fleeting thoughts or feelings that come up that actually give some “reason”, like i think sz is the subconscious erupting, and I also think that it is sometimes external, divine. when I read your posts I know the themes of peter and cereal and barbie dolls, and I wonder what you think are the reasons you are confronted with these characters and symbols. maybe it is as you say, without reason. it’s just that with my sz, there seems to be some reason, surprising though it is to me, and grappling with that gives me clarity and it also dismantles the mechanism of sz. like with the times you put the tic tac box in the girl’s hair, or the rat poison incident, I wonder what your feelings are about the relationship between yourself and other people, people in general and people as in those girls exactly. I wonder what results you had if any in mind, or consequences. I wonder who you are trying to reach with those acts, and what your subconscious is trying to say. i’m not very educated in psychology. my picture of my sz is that it is some kind of dramatic exercise, the past time of the gods or whatever. but your experiences are very vivid and kind of almost scrapbookish, like you have memories of experiences and they make a certain aesthetic statement. i’m thinking of your carpet stain being your best friend, you know it’s all very teenage, coming of age, growing from childhood to the teen years. then i think about your idea to get a job or to continue your schooling. and then i consider your collection of stories here in the blog, and i wonder if you see that you are creating something. maybe there is reason in that? with sadness, do you feel a sort of growth in spirit from that? because I see that you are approaching thirty, and that you have populated the basis of a book or a series of books on your experience. where do you see yourself going? like i would recommend that you sit down for a few minutes every day and finish a story, see if you can put them in some kind of order, or do you see a series as well, i kind of do. i’m recommending this because sadness can be dismantled with achievement, in my experience. you are well accomplished as a writer, tender, funny, can you do something with that? i even like the idea of a series of unfinished stories, like not even ending in a full stop or period as an “ending”. idk. i started to come out of sz by assigning myself to my blog. i also started painting again and photography. it is really a nice handrail out of sadness when sadness occurs, just being able to remind myself of my real, and current, interests. why do you watch teen mom? maybe it has some resonance and some answers for you. xxb

    • um u are like the best advice giver ever!!!! I really appreciate ur comments!!
      i think i am going to try photography!! sounds interseting. BUT> what if i took a picture of my hallusinations and nothing shows on film when developed. I would feel dumb.
      I usually dont care what people think of me, but when i am hearing voices and people know it, i feel humiliated. I think a book of short stories is a great idea!! I would love to do that. any kind of writing i enjoy besides poetry. i am still looking into some kind of tutoring..its hard to find someone.
      thank u ann! xoxx

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