Its actually terrifying!!

I hate watching the news. I have enough drama in my own life and it only depresses me more.

I dont understand how people could be so mean and heartless.

I Scare myself thinking, i could be like one of those people.

I NEVER know whats going to happen when i have a psychotic episode.

i could flip out, crash the car, kidnap a child or hurt someone badly. My brain lately has been confused from right and wrong. But at least i recognize my issues. Thats a good sign.

It seems SO unreal, death.

I could grab a knife and stab my friend. i would, go to jail. I realize that. but i feel like i wont get in trouble because it doesn’t seem possible.

Its actually terrifying.



2 thoughts on “Its actually terrifying!!

  1. emmiejosie i really understand your concerns in the posts you write on these subjects, i just also notice that on stabbing someone, you only mention that you would go to jail, but really the terrible consequence is the pain to the victim. I think if you put that first in your mind, you can govern your actions and thoughts better. It takes on a depth and is no longer just the cat and mouse of punishment to you, but it is the deep pain of the victim, which is also your very real deep pain. I believe you have to dig quite deep on this issue. You have to really muscle your mind into shape. i know, when i was first ill i was told by voices to hold a pillow over my mother’s face, and i was like i don’t know what this is, but no fucking way are you turning me into that. no. and it never happened again. i sat alone for several hours while my mother slept, and she did already have the pillow over her face, but it was my first attempt to control myself on such an important moment, and i did ok. but that is why i say you have to really use mental muscle on this issue, you have to know that you are not the author of those thoughts, but that you are the author of your actions and you have to know how to grip them. you really have to protest against violent thoughts, don’t claim them and definitely blame not yourself. you have to effectively divorce this abusive thought cycle in your head. you have to take control. you have to know that you can do that and i’m saying you can, i have a little experience as i mentioned. i’m older, and i was older when sz took hold of me, and so i’m able to say that you can get a grip and on this matter, you really have to get a grip. you have to decide for yourself that you are not a violent person. you bury that deep in heart and mind and believe it. otherwise, i worry because you just seem to kind of not take responsibility for possible actions, and the choice is there to take responsibility, grip it now, while there is not a problem in reality.

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