Forcing myself to do things

I keep forcing myself to do stuff i dont really want to do. Little things. Such as: My brain says its 9:30, time for bed. BUt i am not tired. But i am forced by my brain to go to sleep. even though i am in the middle of a text with my friends.

Also like, I am watching Teen Mom and there is only the last 5 minutes to go and I HAVE to brush my teeth, knowing i would miss the ending.

Part of me wants to see what happens, but my brain says I MUST brush my teeth, right now.

I force myself to read when i dont want to, i force myself to hang with friends even though i like being alone.

I dont understand the way my brain thinks and its only getting worse. I feel confused daily and I feel like my mind is getting mushy.

I think there is something physically wrong with my brain, not just mentally.

Its scary.

Plus my mind is SO busy 24/7. I cant get a break. Fortunately my shrink put me on a new medication and has helped with my sleeping issues.

But i still wake up every hour to look at the time.

IF i dont see the time at that moment i will freak out and cant sleep until, i look at the time.


2 thoughts on “Forcing myself to do things

  1. i think it’s interesting ej. i think you are on some level motivated to improve your life. i like what your discipline is setting up for you. you can make a note to finish texting your friend in the morning, you can certainly vary reading, and you can do other things, like make a collage or a scrapbook, not so much a reading project but an idea project or just a collection of things you like, like from magazines, quotes. pinterest is fun. i “force” myself to read every morning. i’m nearly finished with five books. one chapter a day. and i flag interesting passages. i’m guessing at some level you do kind of want to read. maybe try to make it study, and not just merely reading for the sake of it. all of the things you are doing are good for you. i like that you are skipping the end of a tv program to do something important for yourself. just my point of view. make it work for you is my advice. all of this activity is better than being scattered around mentally trying to discern what voices mean. it’s self care. i hope you will keep it up and to make it so that it IS what you want to do. xx!

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