Bleeding Tummy.

I lay in bed with my tummy bleeding from the nail scissors i had used to cut my flesh. I felt so bad, i was defeated by the voices who were the ones that told me to cut in the first place.

I wish i were stronger then the voices, wish i could stand up to them and worried i cant.

i get scared they will tell me to do something drastic like kill somebody, but so far i have been lucky. The worst thing is cutting.

i stared at those cuts so long that i fell asleep. I woke up a couple hours later, it was around 3:00 am and staff were doing checks. I sat up and it HURT! The cuts on my belly rubbed against my shirt and it was so tender.

I wanted to tell staff so i could get them cleaned. But, then they would know that i had those nail scissors, my best friend and my worst enemy.

So i lay on my back and pulled my shirt up. I wish i were the type to tell somebody when i am hurting. But i have never been good at that.

 

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3 thoughts on “Bleeding Tummy.

  1. I have had voices tell me to kill someone twice in my time with schizophrenia, and it always wakes me up to myself. I know that those are not my thoughts and I get very together in my mind and find a place to sit for a very long time until i feel that they are gone. I think I was able to react because as a teenager I had seen a program on hypnosis, and they said that you can’t make someone do something that they wouldn’t naturally do. Well, maybe you can, but I was determined to fight. I felt it was kind of like that biblical story when abraham is told to kill his son isaac for a sacrifice and then God steps in at the last minute with “just testing you”. I totally hate that story and I was determined not to follow the voices. Instead I went to my room and sat on the floor with my head in my hands for about an hour or more, until it was gone. When those voices come, get mad at them, don’t let them tell you what to do. For everyone’s sake.

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