I took my meds at 9:00 pm like i do every night. If i dont fall asleep with in the first 30 minutes, things get weird.
I feel so heavy, my hands feel full of blood. I feel small in a BIG room.
When i was in the psych ward, i couldnt fall asleep. I went to tell the nurse around 10:30. The meds totally kicked in. I couldnt walk straight. I used the walls to hold onto.
Elle was on staff that night. I went to tell her. I fell to the floor. I was SO heavy!
She helped me sit down.
“Do you need an M&M?” She asked with a smile. I nodded. That was our thing. She would give me M&Ms with my pills. so she gave me one red peanut M&M. I ate it and it distracted me. She walked me back to my bed and i fell asleep with a smile on my face. I really appreciate the staffs at all the psych wards i have been to. THey make an effort to make me feel safe and cared for.
That night, i woke up around 4:00 am. I was having anxiety. I got up to tell staff, maybe get a PRN.
Elle’s shift was over. I dont really know the night staff. I missed my parents. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a snack. I Sat in the dining room and watched the camera watching me. I gave a wave. I felt so weird. I felt dead. SO i pinched myself.
It hurt, i was alive.