I took M&Ms and My Pills.

I took my meds at 9:00 pm like i do every night. If i dont fall asleep with in the first 30 minutes, things get weird.

I feel so heavy, my hands feel full of blood. I feel small in a BIG room.

When i was in the psych ward, i couldnt fall asleep. I went to tell the nurse around 10:30. The meds totally kicked in. I couldnt walk straight. I used the walls to hold onto.

Elle was on staff that night. I went to tell her. I fell to the floor. I was SO heavy!

She helped me sit down.

“Do you need an M&M?” She asked with a smile. I nodded. That was our thing. She would give me M&Ms with my pills. so she gave me one red peanut M&M. I ate it and it distracted me. She walked me back to my bed and i fell asleep with a smile on my face. I really appreciate the staffs at all the psych wards i have been to. THey make an effort to make me feel safe and cared for.

That night, i woke up around 4:00 am. I was having anxiety. I got up to tell staff, maybe get a PRN.

Elle’s shift was over. I dont really know the night staff. I missed my parents. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a snack. I Sat in the dining room and watched the camera watching me. I gave a wave. I felt so weird. I felt dead. SO i pinched myself.

It hurt, i was alive.

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