Biggest FEARS

The three biggest fears in had in life were: Graduation Day, Jury Duty, and my wedding.

Well, i graduated. I am proud of that. I cant do jury duty because of my mental illness and as for a wedding. I will NEVER get married. I will date and get close, but NEVER get married. There are a few reasons why i DONT want to get married. #1 i hate when all the attention is on me. #2 marriages dont last. #3 i like to not have to answer to a partner.

I have other fears too, but those were the ones i have had since i was in 6th grade

Some fears i have now:

Acid in the water that comes out of the shower. Im scared i will crash the car by taking the wheel from whomever is driving. I fear the pharmacists will have a bad day and take it out on me by giiving me a pill that kills you. I fear that when two people are standing in front of one another, they both take a step to the right, then the left, then the left then the right. i fear by doing so, you would be trapped in that spot for all of eternity. THAT scares me a lot.

Of course i fear death.

I fear i will kidnap someone

i am scared i will hurt someone with out thinking.

I fear my meds will have deadly side effects which is why i HATE when i get med changes.

i think of these fears daily, but i wish i didnt. I dont want to waste my life by worrying 24/7. I know ppl say to distract myself. But how long will that last?


2 thoughts on “Biggest FEARS

  1. emmiejosie distracting yourself is your entire “job”. Set yourself something to do all day long make lists and make it fun and creative and such that you feel good about yourself. you have started to learn that in your present resting state you can’t avoid the voices, so you could resolve to keep achieving and to keep improving yourself anyway. that way it won’t be the distractions that don’t last, it will be the voices that don’t last. make that a reality i think it can work, i have had some success confronting my voices and also making to do lists and pursuing self help books and articles. Many years ago i picked up a book about constructing the life you would like to live, written by cheryl someone – i’m sorry i cant remember. oprah was promoting her. it was like a workbook and it asked questions that when you answered them honestly, brought out the hidden best in yourself, so that you could see that it was possible to be living that life which exists in your head. you have expressed here an interest in having a job, and I think what you were being offered was not enough. it was not enough mentally emotionally and certainly not financially. look at your whole life, what do you want to be able to do, and how will you do it, like just answering the questions in one of these books is a new achievement, and it’s taking yourself seriously. i was first ill at age 34, though I had signs of illness in my life before then. i had to come home and live with my parents, leaving a career that was just showing some signs of success and also my marriage. it wasn’t a mistake, but really, what got my attention was what would i do when no one was there to look after me anymore. i talked about it with my parents. like, where will you live when you no longer have people to live with? it’s a big question and it doesn’t have to have an immediate answer, it is just to give perspective and it takes into consideration how serious mental illness can be in a way that an aromatherapy session does not. it is to focus your mind first on your actual needs – food clothing shelter etc. These are being met for you right now and you will want to make sure that you can continue with these needs being met, this is to get your mind to stand up on it’s own, and while considering this, you can appreciate in a new way your social services, the therapy and the doctor, you can start defining for yourself your other needs. like writing is important to you. So two things for a to do list are talking with your parents about the plans for your future, and setting some time aside for writing. another to do is to look for self improvement aids so that you are thinking beyond just being parked behind a cash register all day or working in the factory you tried. if you really want those jobs, sure, but then you just start letting those jobs and what attracts you to them inform your writing and your thinking and your dreams. any job is a service for others, this to me is a starting point. your writing serves others and it is helpful for yourself as well, i guess it is enjoyable in that way. look around the net at other sz blogs and determine where you are with your illness so that you can not only self direct but you can get the most out of your therapy and your job and your time in general. think about what it means to be a psychiatric nurse and know that you don’t want to be one and then start your divorce from that whole world. you can thank them for their best efforts and take up where they left off more effectively than they did. often when things are not going well, i say to myself what i have heard before, it’s physician heal thyself. who is the doctor’s doctor, you know? be that for yourself. xxb

    • wow. u are really knowledgeable. Im impressed and really apprecaite it!! i do take notes for therapy what i want to talk about, that really helps. I think what confuses me, is my DMH worker, doesnt seem to think i have a mental illness. Maybe she does, but she acts like i dont..its frusterating because i dont want to say “Hey I have scz” I dont want that kind of attention, but since i have to deal with it, i want her to know, this is not an act. This is me.
      I am taking a writers workshop in March and am EXTERMLY excited! I think things are starting to look up!! thank u ann! xoxxxox

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