Paranoid 24/7, cutting and obsessing…

I woke up in the middle of the night around 2:00 am. I was in 2S psychiatric ward, again. I woke up from another bad dream. I climbed out of bed and tiptoed past the nurses station to the dining room. I opened the freezer and grabbed an icecream cup and a spoon. I went back to bed. I ate that icecream and went back to bed.

I couldnt fall back to sleep. I reached under my mattress where i had hidden a plastic knife. I needed just one cut. One cut that would make everything better.

So i did. I pulled up my shirt and sliced my belly. Drops of blood raised to the surface of my skin. It felt great.

I gazed out the window at the moon. I wanted out so bad.

i put the knife back and climbed under the covers.

The staffs did checks on me, i pretended to be asleep. I wrapped my hands around my neck trying to strangle myself. I couldn’t breathe. I felt my face get hot. Then i let go. I took a deep breath of relief.

i really didnt want to die. It was all a chemical imbalance in my brain. THats what schizophrenia is.

I cant explain it well, but having schizophrenia is NO fun. i wish there were a magic pill that could cure me. I am SO done with the voices. I am SO tired of obsessing and being paranoid 24/7.

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7 thoughts on “Paranoid 24/7, cutting and obsessing…

  1. Do you have a list of activities you do to keep you distracted? It’s a good thing you write on this blog … engage in activities that can also help with the anxiety, such as drawing, gardening, yoga, etc . Stay away from sharp objects as much as possible. I work with someone who is also a cutter and she tries to keep a busy schedule to help her with the anxiety . Good luck.

      • That’s ok… it is better for you to draw blood than to shed real blood. So drawing becomes a step away from actual doing harmful things to yourself … but you can also choose to start drawing other things away from self harming thoughts and creating a new healthy way of perceiving things . It starts with one step. Let me know how it goes .

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