I woke up in the middle of the night around 2:00 am. I was in 2S psychiatric ward, again. I woke up from another bad dream. I climbed out of bed and tiptoed past the nurses station to the dining room. I opened the freezer and grabbed an icecream cup and a spoon. I went back to bed. I ate that icecream and went back to bed.
I couldnt fall back to sleep. I reached under my mattress where i had hidden a plastic knife. I needed just one cut. One cut that would make everything better.
So i did. I pulled up my shirt and sliced my belly. Drops of blood raised to the surface of my skin. It felt great.
I gazed out the window at the moon. I wanted out so bad.
i put the knife back and climbed under the covers.
The staffs did checks on me, i pretended to be asleep. I wrapped my hands around my neck trying to strangle myself. I couldn’t breathe. I felt my face get hot. Then i let go. I took a deep breath of relief.
i really didnt want to die. It was all a chemical imbalance in my brain. THats what schizophrenia is.
I cant explain it well, but having schizophrenia is NO fun. i wish there were a magic pill that could cure me. I am SO done with the voices. I am SO tired of obsessing and being paranoid 24/7.