Crying

I lay in bed at night, minding my own business. My mind wanders. I think of death. I think of hurting people which for some really weird reason makes me happy.

I am a terrible person, the voices are right. I am a loser.

I am told that over and over i just start to believe it.

I have urges to do bad things such as shooting people.

I dont have a gun fortunately, but why do i have to have these thoughts.

I just cant get a break! I am only one person that can only handle so much.

Right now i am crying. I feel so terrible. I dont feel suicidal. Thats good. But I do feel like cutting. I cant.

I think i may need a medication adjustment, but i dont want to, because every time i get a med change, i end up back in the psych ward. I dont ever want to go back there. Ever.

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4 thoughts on “Crying

  1. Diane Greenwood says:

    Hi Emily…..Hang in there ….I think we are all tired after the holiday season. Please keep blogging and use that as your coping mechanism. You are such a beautiful and sweet person. You are also a strong and amazing woman. You my friend have been dealt at times a hard hand at life….but you are always positive and you show us no matter what life throws at you….you hold your head up high! You are a true inspiration to us all….and you have so much to be proud of! Always keep that smile on your face…and keep moving forward and never look back! Happy New Year!

  2. pursue a med change or at least inform your doctor of your problem. and other than that, start to claim and discard the feelings and thoughts you are having. You can say, that is not me, that is the voices. do this every time it happens. Write about your preferences and claims in your journal, and you can even do what my brother did, think of some qualities of yours that you like and that you would like to develop, and write them down and tape them to the mirror. 🙂 xx

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