My Life Story, when I first got diagnosed with schizophrenia till Now…

It all started a week after my 16th birthday. One day i was your average teenager the next i was a paranoid schizophrenic.
It didn’t happen that fast, i gotta admit. Although it feels that way, i had been hearing voices for quite some time.
I recall a day when i was about 5 years old, my cousin blamed me for something and i heard a voice tell me to bite her. SO i did.
I got in trouble and was confused what i did wrong.
years went by, everything was fine. Then i turned 16. My reality left and i was left with hallucinations. I was in English class one day. I was suppose to be taking notes but the voices were distracting me. A classmate named David sat in the seat next to me. I overheard him tell Will that i was high on drugs. I guess drugs can be confused with psychotic episodes. And i was having one. I could feel my eyes darting at the walls back and forth seeing swears written all over.
My teacher called me to the hallway.
“Are you okay?” He asked me. A voices in my head said “DONT TRUST HIM”
So I looked at the ground and did not answer. My teacher called my guidance counselor and she grabbed me by the arm and led me to the nurses office. That day a visiting nurse was there. She took one look at me hallucinating and told them this was more then anxiety.
So they locked me in a room while they waited for Dad to pick me up.
We went home early. I took a nap when we got there. I slept for hours and woke up around 11:00 pm. Everyone was asleep but me. Something was bothering me. I had an urge i had never had before. I grabbed my nail scissors and cut an X on my left forearm. It bled a lot. I went to bed praying i would not bleed to death.
I woke up the next morning. The X was scabbed over, no more blood.
At breakfast my eyes felt heavy.
My Dad told me he made me an apt with a shrink. I was not happy.
So that was the first day i had ever seen a psychiatrist. He was the dumbest shrink i had ever met. He diagnosed me with depression after a 20 minute session. I went home with a prescription for Paxil in hand.
The next day i was welcomed back to school. BUt since i was on a new medication, i could not join my class on the field trip. I was sad.
I was on Paxil for about a month when the side effects started.
For breakfast, instead of my usual English Muffin and PB, i had TWO. In a short period of time i gained 30 lbs.
The meds never really did anything and the voices were getting worse.
So i met up with a new shrink at the local ER. He had me write my feelings on a piece of paper. I wrote i was scared of germs
For some reason, my Dad and shrink decided i needed extra help. THey told me i was going to the hopistal.
So i went home and packed up. i was super excited. I get to lay in bed all day, watch TV and eat Jello!
Dad drove me to a place called Arbor Fuller Hopistal. We entered a big building and was greeted by a staff. I started to get nervous as she explained the rules and regulations.
We went up to the psych ward level. There were crazy loud teenage girls everywhere. I started to cry. I cried more when they said Dad had to leave.
I was led to the bathroom with two female staff. I was ordered to pull down my underwear and jump three times. That was the first time i was ever strip searched and it was humiliating.
I passed the test and was shown my room. It was so small i could touch both side walls at once.
I went to bed that night crying.
I woke up the next day with swollen eyes and a stuffy nose. I met with my on site shrink. I took a test. I had to tell him what i saw in the ink blots and i did some dumb puzzles.
I spent a week there. I also started a bad habit there. Throwing up after meals. My roomate and i would throw up in Styr phone cups and hide them under my bed.
One day she got caught and i laughed. It was not funny, but i couldn’t stop! I laughed so hard that i peed my pants.
I was discharged 2 days later.
It was nice to be home.
Everything was good and the meds were on the right levels.
Then things started to get worse. I was then enrolled in an all day out patient care program. We would do group all day, 5 days a week.
One day, i was feeling suicidal and to ask for help, i made a paper man and hung a string from his neck. I got caught which i wanted to. I just didnt know how to ask for help so i got creative.
It worked and i was put into the in patient facility.
It was December and freezing. Outside AND inside. I went to bed with my PJs, coat and 4 blankets. I felt i was being punished for having a mental illness.
I got nothing out of that visit and was soon discharged.
I was not doing well, so we tried yet another psych ward. Waltham Behavioral.
I met with the head shrink of that place. His specialty was Eating Disorders.
He decided i needed to take more vitamins. So he put me on 12 vitamins 3 times a day. I did that for 3 days and decided to stop because i felt it was pointless.
About 2 weeks later, i was brought back to that hopistal, inpatient.
BY then i was getting used to being in psych wards.
This one was no different. But I do remember that i for some reason got in trouble and was locked in a room with nothing but a mattress and camera. I was in there for what seemed like hours. I had to pee so i called. No response. My only option was to pee my pants.
When i got released from that room, i was so upset I tried to harm myself. The staff were oblivious. I cut my belly, ate lotion and tried to jump off the toilet. No one saw and that made me angrier.
I was depressed and could not stop eating. I had like 12 OREOS a day! I gained close to 12 lbs in that 2 week stretch which is disgusting.
After i got discharged i decided i was well enough that i would never go back to a psych ward! And i didnt.
For 6 years!
Then my doctor took me off Clozapine my miracle drug and the voices and everything started again.
I was then admitted into 2S psych ward.
First, i was on a new med called Seroquel. It affected me negatively. I couldn’t sit still, i couldn’t sleep. I was scared.
So i woke mom. SHe called 911 and i took my first ride in an ambulance.
I went to the ER. I was hallucinating bad and telling the staff i wanted to cut my arms off. So i got restraint in a chair full of straps and belts. I couldn’t move and it was scary!
They decided to admit me that night into the psychiatric ward.
I had a sitter that first time there. It was great. I always had someone to talk to. I met Ruby there. She was like a Grandma to me. SHe would brush my hair and read to me. I loved her.
When i was released, i went back to 2S 4 more times. Each time was the same, I was admitted, they leveled my meds and i was discharged.
Now its July. I have Not been to any hopistal in 5 months! I am on the right meds for me and i feel great!
I couldn’t have done it with out my family, friends, shrinks, councilors and therapists! god BLESSS!

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