Worst parts of having schizophrenia:
Hearing the mean voices, the voices that put me down and criticize me. The voices that scream at me for being such a bitch. I try so hard to be good, so they wont have anything to hold against me. But as much as I try, no luck.
I hate thinking I have paper cuts when I don’t. I hate feeling these hands are not mine.
I hate being paranoid that there is someone on the other side of the door when I open it. A bad guy with a gun.
I hate having to wake up at 3:00 am to listen to the neutral voices tell me things like: “dig your nails into your arm until it red then rinse it with mouthwash.”
I hate any mean voices. I hate thinking of death 24/7
I hate feeling like I have to save the world. I hate that I am so selfish, I waste food and use the AC while kids in Africa don’t even have shoes. Or fresh water. When the voices tell me I am selfish, I start to cut. I don’t want to, its an urge I just cant stop sometimes.
I hate side effects from my anti psychotic meds. Drooling, weight gain, insomnia….
Some days I want to throw down the towel, but all the good days I have, and there are quite a few, make it worth it.