Is it obvious to others when I HALLUCINATE!?

Is it obvious to others when i hallucinate? I have never seen anyone hallucinate. I thought i hid it well, but seems like my parents, the nurses on the psych wards and friends can always tell!
Its a little embarrassing. I know i shouldnt be embarrassed, but I dont like being different from others.

I hear things. I hear voices, i hear trash trucks. I see words and people and Cereal.
I count lights, commercials, guard rails, raisins, dust particles and more.

When i was first diagnosed with schizophrenia, my DAd would put ice on my hands to calm me down. The nurses at the psych ward gave him that idea.

My Mom is good at calming me down, but sometimes its out of her hands and she has to call 911.

I can feel when a psychotic episode is coming on…I start to cry first. then i get nervous. then i get my Mom. I see things on the walls. ET< Pokemon, ants, spiders, nails, bubbles…..

She gives me a pill and usually it helps. But sometimes its too late, i am too far gone. That, is when i end up in the psych ward.

 

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As if i were an IDIOT.

I had a psychiatrist that just didn’t get me. He did not seem to be a professional. Dr G would sit me in a chair in his office.

I asked if he could keep the door open 5 inches.

“Why?” he asked me. I Stared at him.

“Okay” He opened the door.

While we talked, i looked around the room. His toys on the shelves were distracting.

“Are you listening to me?” He asked. I nodded.

“Let’s bring your Dad in, i want to talk to him” Dr G said. so i got my dad from the waiting room.

“Emily, can you open a folding chair for your Dad and set it right there” Dr G pointed. so i did. i felt like he was talking to me as if i were an idiot.

I was mad.

He talked to Dad, i didnt pay attention.

I dont know, i just didnt like him. I begged my parents to get me a new shrink and they did.

Thank God.

I FELT LIKE SMASHING A BANANA!!!

I always talk about visits in psych wards. But i dont usually mention the inpatient program i went to. Its not a hopistal, its a house. Its a step below the psych ward. They have nurses and therapists always on staff.

I felt safe mostly. There was one guy who scared me. He slammed doors and swore.

My roommate stunk. Literally. She never bathes i guess.

I had a really hard day hallucinating one day. I was coloring with the staff and something caught my eye on the ceiling. I can not explain what it was.

It was shiny and entertaining. But it wasnt an object or person…. i cant explain.

I stared at that shiny thing for what seemed like an hour.

A staff touched my arm and i jumped a mile. I started to cry. I was scared. So the staff sat me on the couch and put a blanket on me.

They turned on FRIENDS. I covered my ears with my hands because everyone’s breathing was too loud!

I felt like smashing a banana.

But i was there for 5 days and most of the time was very relaxing.

Motivation !

Today was my last session with R, my therapist. Its not because he is a bad therapist, i just prefer women.

But we got one thing accomplished! I told him how I always have fears about death and anxiety.

He said to always have something to look forward to. Like visiting my aunt, having a sleepover, going out for dinner.

It motivates me to go on.

Its a good idea. I am going to make plans with my aunt in a few months. I Cant wait.

My fears: Some rational, others not so much…

I have fears. Some rational, others not so much

I fear to take a shower, because of the acid in the water.
I fear eating a blue M&M after a red because it will make my mouth purple.
I fear eyes on pictures moving.
Im scared of dying.
Im scared of getting white out in my eye.
I fear sucking on doll house furniture will poison me.
I fear my heart rate goes to high.
I fear having a psychotic episode in a public area,
I fear pharmacists will give me the wrong meds, on purpose when they are mad.
I fear spiders.
I fear going bald with a hair product.
I fear I will go back to the psych ward for the 13th time.

 

A mother’s point of view: child in the ER

 

(This is a story i wrote in a mother’s point of view with a child in the ER, based on true events)

I sit here on a hard purple chair in the ER. The doctors were trying to find my daughter an open bed in the psych ward.

It broke my heart seeing her there in the restraint chair trying to get free and screaming.

But there was nothing we could do till she gets the miracle shot. thats what i call it. Everytime she ends up here, they give her that shot and it calms her right down.

FINALLY, an hour later, She was getting exhausted and stropped struggling.

they gave her a shot and she slumped over. they moved her into a bed with a warm blanket to keep her warm.

“We found a bed” the on site shrink told me.

“Nooo” Emily mumbled. She was too drugged out to talk.

They loaded her into a wheelchair

“Mommy” She called.

BUt it was 3:00 am and i couldnt go with her. Tears sprung to my eyes. I Hated to see her this way. i waved with my throat clogged. Emily cried and cried. her sobs got quieter as they made their way down the hallway.

i left the hopistal and drove home. I couldnt help crying, this is not fair.

It was a weird day, being in a public school!

I once went to my cousin’s school for the day. Just to visit. Well, my aunt went to work and my cousin and i walked to the bus stop. SInce i wasn’t a student, i couldn’t ride the bus.

Where could i go!? The apartment was locked and my aunt was gone. I had to beg the driver to let me get on.

He finally agreed and we drove to the high school. I was so nervous. we got there and it was nothing like my school.

I Have never been to a public school. All three schools i attended were private.

Its a lot different.

There were people swearing, cutting class, listening to music and talking on cell phones in class.

I was a little nervous.

i got a really bad headache half way through the day. BUt since i wasnt a student, the nurse couldnt give me meds.

When we went back to my cousin’s apartment after school, i took my temp. it was 102.5. I felt terrible.

It was a weird day.