There were two windows in that white room i was locked up in.
One was on the steel door, a square glass. I peeked out not sure what to expect. Nothing. No staff.
The other window was on the wall. i went over to it and looked out at the real world.
I saw a bus. I saw cars. I saw people. I saw birds.
I exhaled on the window and wrote HELP in the fog.
They forgot about me!!!
THere was no clock which is. not. good. I HAVE to know the time at all times.
I needed to pee SO bad!!
I started to bang on the door. I knew, if i punched hard enough, i could break the glass. But why hurt my hand?
I left the window and sat on the saggy mattress.
I had to PEE!!!
I couldnt hold it anymore.
I ashamed myself.
When they FINALLY let me out, days later (okay, hours) I was allowed to change into real clothes and not just a jonnie.
Worst things the voices have told me to do: Cut, break up a tic tac container and sprinkle it on my math teacher’s head, poison a girl at school, stab J with a pencil, flash the class, slam C against the locker, bite K, take the steering wheel while someone is driving, suck the blood through my skin…
Best things the voices have told me: I am pretty, so pretty, i could be a princess. I am a good friend, complement people
Here’s what the neutral voices have said: take a file card, spray it with perfume, rip it in half 4 times and toss it in the trash. turn the light on and off 23 times. Flush the toilet 3 times while brushing my teeth.
“Dont trust her”
“She wants to hurt you”
“Everyone is out to get you”
“You deserve to be unhappy”
I have been hearing voices since i was little. Some Days they are good, sometimes bad. Somedays they aren’t here at all.
My new psychiatrist, i dont like. At all. She has no personality. At all.
Mom called her 3 times with a question about my meds. No reply.
So Mom had to higher my Clozapine (for schizophrenia) 25 mg with out help.
She had no choice, i was having a hard time and nobody was helping us!
I am so grateful my Mom was brave enough, because with the extra 25 mg, i have not heard voices in over 9 days!!! GO mom!
Anyways. Things are going well. No voices, no hallucinations besides Cereal and spirits.
I have been falling asleep with in an hour. In the past it took up to 3 hours a night.
I am SUPER tired these days. I need two naps a day to function.
When i was in the psych ward a few years ago, I tried to do things to get back at the people who locked me up.
Now, i know its not their fault, they are there to help. But, I was struggling.
So I decided to not eat. I said if you lock me in here, i will never eat again.
That lasted a day.
I cut my belly in plain sight of the cameras in the psych ward. They had to have seen me! But there i was. bleeding belly burning.
I was so angry.
I threw the knife away and stomped to my room.
My belly hurt SO bad! My shirt touched my cuts and it stung.
i tried to escape.
I just was very immature.
I am glad i Grew Up.
When i was put on my very first medication, i never EVER imagined what was yet to come! The first day on my new med, was a school day. They were having a field trip for my grade.
I couldnt go. They needed to monitor my meds, see how i acted.
A few weeks later, i turned 16! BIG year for me! I got messed up and i didnt know how or why! I started to see a psychiatrist for the first time.
He diagnosed me with depression. ok i can deal with that.
Soon after my 16th birthday, i admitted to my therapist that i was hearing voices. About a week later, I was admitted into my very first, but not last, psych ward! I was then diagnosed with schizophrenia.
This all happened with in 6 months!!
meds, turning 16, diagnoses, psych wards.. It was so much to deal with! But with the help of family, friends and doctors, i am on the right dosages of meds!
I feel good!
I appreciate shapes. I really do. You can have a circle, a hopeful wish were as if life. never ending.
A square: four points. Four chances to smell flowers.
A rectangle: My bed. I sleep well in my bed.
A triangle: represents my three bffs
An octagon. 8 sides. I get 8 points to wish my own wishes.
I wont die until I figure out how to describe 1,000,000 angles.
I like to think about shapes a lot. Its a passion of mine!
I like to drink water from the hose since i was little.
I hear a helicopter
I dont ever scream. But i had an urge to yesterday. Dad said its a good thing.
I think the first day i was in the program, they gave me too many pills! They were short staffed, so they had to use the staff they had.
I took 5 pills. i THOUGHT i took only 3, but i was not sure.
Anyways. I took the 5 pills and they started to kick in.
I could not walk in a straight line. I kept falling to the right.
They said i probably needed sugar. So i had a banana.
I retreated to my room most of the day. I honestly did not feel safe there, with that guy.
It was hard to sleep, because i didnt want him to kill me in the nighttime!
I went there to get a med change. But did they? nope. I wasted 3 days of my life liivng in fear in a home that was not my own..