I have therapy tomorrow which is great, i have a LOT on my mind. She really is the best therapist EVER.
We decided I will see her weekly for a month then go to twice a month.
I have a notebook of what i want to talk about.
I take therapy seriously. I am there to better myself.
I feel safe with Sheila.
My Mom has been reading my blogs and i am starting to worry her. She said i sound sad. Somedays i am. But EVERYONE gets sad now and then.
Im glad she reads them because i am not good at verbally asking for help.
IF she reads them she will know whats going on.
She did call my psychiatrist which makes me nervous.
I dont want to change my meds, i am doing so well!
and i REALLY Dont want to go back to the psych ward!
I hid in the corner of the hallway, my nose pressed up against the wall. If i cant see you, you cant see me kinda thing.
I tried to blend into the wallpaper. An ugly yellow and brown flower wallpaper.
“What are you doing down here?” It was Lisa.
“She cant see you” Peter told me. I squeezed my eyes shut. I felt a hand on my shoulder and my eyes busted open.
Lisa linked her arm in mine. I was downstairs while the rest of the group was upstairs. I had asked for a bathroom pass.
I took a detour.
Lisa dragged me up the stairs. I tried to lose control of my legs so it was harder for her to bring me up.
Man, she was strong!
“Im scared” I admitted at the top of the stairs.
Lisa looked at me, a little kinder. “Why?”
“Abdule” I said. “He cursed me with a Venus fly trap.”
Lisa looked confused.
I was confused too. I had no clue what i was talking about!
I went back to group, passing Abdule on my way to my chair. He snickered.
I sat down and tears brimmed my eyes. I hated days like those.
I Keep having blank thoughts. I sit in bed for a long time, mind blank. I dont think about death, i dont hear voices. I dont blink.
Then I get a rush of energy and jump up. I get excited about plans with my Aunt in a few weeks.
My head hurts in the back where i thought i had a tumor. But i saw the eye dr today and he said i dont.
Its just my paranoia.
Its hard to concentrate on anything. I tried to read today… no luck. I read the same sentence over and over trying to get it to click in. Nope.
Right now i am okay, but i think my meds are rotting my brain.
I dont understand why i am not maturing like my other friends. Emotionally, and mentally.
My friends drink and party on Friday nights.
I am at home in bed by 10:00.
Even the way i talk is childish.
I have two friends basically that like what i like to do such as makeovers.
But all my other friends seem so much older!
If i could get away with it, i would still play with toys. BUt if i did id have to hide it.
Mom says she doesnt want me to be little again. SHe likes having a 29 year old.
But I dont feel 29. I DONT feel 11 like i did for years. I just feel immature.
My friend i have not seen in years, contacted me. I invited her over. She’s like “Is it okay if i bring a couple beers?”
No. Its not.
I know, i am legal age. I just not ready to do stuff like that.
IS that okay? OR should i learn to GROW UP?
“I am a terrible singer”
“No your not”
“Yes I am” (She’s not but likes attention)
“I cut myself last night” She told her therapist.
“What were you feeling?”
“I dont know how to ask for help” She admits. She craves attention.
The way she dresses, for the guys attention.
attention: notice taken of someone or something; the regarding of someone or something as interesting or important.
We all need attention to make our-selves feel good about ourselves.
But there are healthy and unhealthy ways to get it.
I chose a lot of unhealthy choices to get attention growing up, some i regret, like cutting and trying to poison myself.
At the time, i wasnt trying to get negative attention, i just had no clue how to get the help i needed.
So i cut. I cut in front of cameras, praying to be caught. But i never was!
I feel SO sad right now. I am not sure why. I am crying as i write this. I feel empty and alone, even though my family is in the next room.
I hate when i feel like this, for NO reason.
I might take a bath, that might help.
I have an eye apt tomorrow, hope i dont have a tumor in my eye. I know, i probably dont. But i still have that fear.