“Emily your turn” Libby said. I grabbed the dice and rolled praying it wouldn’t be two 4’s. It wasnt and i was relieved.
I tapped my fingers on the table, there were 7 of us playing the game and it took forever to get a turn.
I got bored waiting so left group. I walked down the hall to my room. I Passed the black rug and hopped over it.
there was nobody at the nurses station, nobody watching me. I went to the mirror on the ceiling and stared at my eyes. they were too dark, not mine and i panicked.
I went to the dining room and grabbed a butter packet. i took off the lid and threw it at that stupid mirror.
“What are you doing?” E asked me.
“I need to go!” I shouted. I raced to the locked door and tried to open the door with no luck. i pulled the doors over and over and over. I banged my fists on the wooden door.
E followed me. All the sudden the empty facility there were 4 staff on me. They restraint me.
“I didnt do anything!” I shouted.
THey ignored me and strapped me to the restraint chair. I kicked my feet and tried to free my hands.
It went from fine to chaotic in minutes. The nurse gave me a shot and i slumped over. I remember it well.
I just cant remember how i got from that chair to my bed. I woke up an hour later in my room with a sitter in my doorway.
“How are you feeling Emily?” SHe asked me.
“Where am I?” i mumbled.
“The psychiatric ward” She said. I started to cry, i thought i was dreaming, but i wasnt.
Last night was weird. I heard voices, but it was a male voice i never heard. It wasnt Peter or Jack.
The voice told me to check on my Mom downstairs. He said if I dont, I will be cursed.
Of course i did it.. and she was fine.
The voice told me to put on two pairs of socks and hold my breath under the blankets for 23 seconds. I did and gained a point.
today i got blood work that i get every month. I also got a flu shot and it didnt hurt.
I feel really good today!
At 9:00 i met with K. She is going to set me up with a lady to work on life skills. cant wait!
At 2:30, C will pick me up. we will go to DD and chat.
I love life!
I walked down the street looking at the beautiful trees with yellow, red and orange leaves. I stepped over a puddle and stepped onto the soggy grass.
My shoes sunk into the mud.
I continued walking. I heard a car behind me. i turned around quickly to make sure they were not going to kidnap me.
They didnt, they just drove by. I let out a sigh of relief.
I reached the red house on the block. I held my breath and took 23 big steps to pass the house. I made it in 17 steps. I let out my breath and continued walking.
as i walked, i looked into the sky. I saw spirits all over. I gave them a wave and a smile.
“Kick the mailbox” Jack told me. So i did. Not hard, just enough.
Jack lives in my head.
I finished my walk and returned home. I tapped the door knob 23 times before entering.
Today I felt angry. Its rare when i feel that emotion. I am usually happy, or depressed. I looked in the mirror and didnt like what i saw.
So i threw my notebook at my reflection. I was shaking and my hands were not mine. I sat on the floor for over 10 minutes looking at my hands.
I grabbed a pencil and traced the lines on my hand over and over, harder and harder. No blood, just little scratches.
well that was a mistake. I washed my hair and the shampoo burned my hands. It HURT
It scares me when i feel angry because thats when i imagine myself doing BAD stuff. Like hurting people..
I feel gooder now, but my hands still hurt…
I walked over to the painting of a watering can. I touched the painting with my hand. I raced to the dining room and got a cup of water. I dipped my hand in the water and dabbed the can’s spout.
“Watering can, can you grant me a wish?” i asked. I set the cup of water on the floor and sat on the rocking chair. I folded me hands to pray.
“I miss my family, i just wanna go home.. i have been here locked up for 9 days. 8 days too long..”
I stood up and forgot that the water was there, i kicked it over. I felt bad. I raced to get a towel. i moped up the water and then put it in the laundry.
it was group time. we were going to meet on the porch. I stared out of the fenced in porch.
I saw a little girl in a stroller. i waved to her. she waved back. that made my day. She was so cute!
we did our goals and did a coping skill group.
after group, i passed that painting again. I smiled to myself and went to my room.
My Dr came in and said i would be discharged in the morning!! I WAS SO EXCITED. THANK U WATERING CAN!!
I had just thrown up my meal and caught. Lisa, staff at my therapy program, caught me throwing up after lunch. I was in the bathroom puking when she knocked.
“Emily let me in!” She shouted. I flushed and did.
“I am getting sick of this childish behavior” Lisa shouted. She took me by the arm and led me to the kids group. I was hearing voices that day. I Sat in the seat she put me. I covered my ears with my hands and shook my head back and forth.
“Stop it” I demanded to the voices. I punched my leg harder and harder. Lisa grabbed my hands and held me still.
“Stop” She said.
Peter was there. my favorite hallucination.
“Kick her” He said.
I tried but Lisa held my leg.
“Lemme go!!” I shouted.
That day after therapy, Dad picked me up. Lisa had a talk with him. She told him i was unstable so i had to be admitted into the in patient program, that night.
I was SO mad!
But i did and refused to eat to get back at them.
They said if i didnt eat, they would tube feed me.
I cant get a break..
I was always innocent and naive. I believed things i probably shouldn’t have. When i was in Westwood Lodge day therapy program, a guy drew a picture of a plant. He put the picture on a chair beside me and told me not to move it.
“It’s watching you” He told me. I was freaked out.
At lunch time, he brought the picture and set it on the table. i couldnt eat because i was scared of that plant.
I was in a panic.
I was so dumb!
But when i had to go to the bathroom, I went. That jerk slid that picture under the bathroom door. He was torching me!
I started to cry and spaz out. Lisa found me and brought me to her office. I was ripping out my hair. I was really out of it.
I finally told her what was going on. SHe talked to the jerk and he’s like “It was just a joke”