9 Days Till XMas!

Things are looking up for me!

Today i had a great day. No voices. No counting, no bad thoughts. My friends Em and Krys came over to exchange gifts. I got lotion, makeup, a candle and scarf! They know me so well!

I cleaned my room and organized my makeup

I took a bath and wrapped the rest of my families Christmas presents.

9 days till Christmas 2017. I am so excited! I get to celebrate with both families! Dad, Vic and my brothers

Mom, Bob and Bill! I cant wait!

Tomorrow i will go to Dad’s to decorate the tree. YAY!

 

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She didnt help me, she just watched…..

I can actually remember some of my psychotic episodes! I wish i couldnt because i always have flash backs..but at least i can share my story.

I remember once in the Christian School i went to, I was hallucinating that the teachers were all trying to kill me. So they locked me in a room with just me and my guidance counselor. I raced around the room terrified because i felt trapped. I was a chicken with its head cut off!

Mrs A watched me. She didnt help, just watched.

I wanted out. NOW.

I started to cry and shake. i fell to the floor and screamed.

My Dad finally came and picked me up. i was feeling terrible. It took awhile to get me into the car. I was so scared!

Everything and everyone was against me!

I cried the whole way to the hopistal.

When i got there, they evaluated me. I got admitted that night.

A night i could never forget. Seeing the tears in DAd’s eyes broke my heart.

MENTAL INSTITUTE!~

Is a mental institute the same thing as a psych ward? I have been in many many psych wards not thinking about it twice.

But during my last stay, I told nurse B “That boy should be in a mental institute!!” (He was acting CRAZY!)

B said “Where do you think you are right now?”

I stared at her. I never thought of myself being in a mental institute

i though of as psych ward being just a hopistal.

I am Not Crazy. I hope i never go back now knowing that i was actually in a MENTAL INSTITUTE!

Gave up on having my 98 lb body back!!

I remember one night when i was 16. I was recently diagnosed with schizophrenia. The meds my psychiatrist put me on, made me sleepy. I took my meds at 6:30pm and by 7:00 pm i was so tired i couldnt keep my eyes open.

So i would sleep a full 12 hours.

The med i was on then, i dont remember which one it was, but it made me hyper.

I had too much energy but i was just so tired.

It was around that time, that i started to throw up after eating. I didnt do what most girls did, put on the sink to cover up the noise of me puking.

No. I threw up in cups and hid them under my bed.

After a week, i had several cups full (Sorry, gross, i know)

My room started to stink. So i emptied them one night.

That week I was admitted into Waltham Behavioral Psych ward. I met Amanda who too, had an eating disorder.

She looked REALLY skinny. All bones. I wanted to be just like her. So i threw up more. But, i didnt lose weight. I GAINED weight!

Soon my pants were too small. It was exactly the opposite of what i wanted.

That depressed me.

i was SO hungry i ate everything in sight!

It was terrible. I never hated my body as much as i did. From then on, my weight got higher and higher.

I gave up on getting my 98 lb body back….

Im a terrible daughter.

Sometimes i feel i dont deserve love. From my friends and family. I basically ruined my parents life by getting sick when i was 16. They had to pay for my over and over admissions to psych wards.

I had to go to therapy and be on meds.

They saw me in my roughest conditions such as when i was cutting or haullusinating. Its really not fair to them.

They had to drive in the snow storm to visit me in the psych ward.

I bet if they could choose a daughter, it would not be me…

Christmas is Bittersweet…

I just want to cry in bed under the covers. I dont want to worry my parents. I feel fine, no thoughts of harming myself. I just feel sad.

Christmas is coming and thats when my family gets sick. Last year my step Dad was in the hopistal and the year before, Mom was.

Its terrible. Christmas to me is bittersweet. I like the trimming tree, nice meal and shopping.

I dont like worrying about death and hopistals. I really need to learn how to distract myself, by myself, i cant count on others to make me happy, i gotta do it myself.

Scared in General.

Whenever i have peace with dying, i say to God “I am okay if i die tonight” Not because i want to commit suicide. just because I feel content and safe.

But then i scare myself that God really will take my life!! So i have to cancel out that comment.

I say “Please lord, dont take my life today!!!” PLEASE>

I fear about death 24/7 now that me and my parents are getting older.

Im totally wasting my life!! I am. I worry way too much.

truthfully, i am just scared in general.