TWO personalities??~

When I am in the psych ward i am a totally different person that i am when i am free. Not sure why, but my voice changes. No joke.

I talk younger when i am locked up, really! I dont do it on purpos but its very obvious.

I make up words that dont make sense, even to me!

I try not to do it, but its just natural.

I like the person i am when i am locked up. I am more outgoing and happy. Its a stress free environment. SO i feel safe to be myself.

I dont know if its because i have schizophrenia, i mean is that the same as having two personalities?” i dont really know. I have never talked about it with my shrink.

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BAD GOES TO WORSE IN MINUTES~

last night was just a little tough. I felt really sad, for no reason. So i cried. I told Mom and she gave me a pill. It didnt work, so she gave me another. within 40 minutes i was fine! I am glad Mom gave me the pills instead of calling 911.

You may think thats a bit extreme, calling 911. But in my case, bad goes to worse in just minutes.

I start crying then the voices start. I start seeing things.

Its crazy how some days are great and some days are just SO bad!!

I feel good today though! I slept till 6:00 am and made a vid for YouTube.

 

What’s going on in my brain!?

In my whole life since I was young, these are the different people that had lived in my head, one time or another.

My very first hallucination was a unicorn named Jessie Protan. Then there was David, Billy, Peter, Nobody, Michelle #1, Michelle #2, Sassafras, Jack, John, Miley and Sari.

I could see Jessie in my woods. David and Jack were just in my head.

Peter i saw daily. He was always dressed in white.

I have never seen the michelles, they just live in my head.

Sassafras is made of tree bark.

Sari and Miley are my invisible friends.

It gets confusing, but they are always there. Some are mean, others are nice.

I hate when Jack tells me to cut. I feel if i dont listen i will be cursed.

Nobody is a neutral voice. he isnt mean or nice. He is the one who tells me to do things such as turn the light on and off 23 times.

Or put some toothpaste on my finger, wipe it on a tissue and flush it three times.

He is the most aggravating voice because sometimes he wakes me up in the middle of the night to do the most stupid things ever.

 

 

 

SCARIEST NIGHT, EVER!!!!

I have had a lot of scary or disturbing experiences.

being restraint, locked in a psych ward, being strip searched, a catheter being put in….

But i remember the scariest day in my WHOLE life.

I had been on Seroqil for 3 months. It reacted bad with my body. I couldnt sleep, i was hyper, my legs wouldn’t stop moving when in bed. I was scared something was seriously wrong.

There was a night, it was at its worst. It was 2:00 am and i was racing around the house, i could not sit still!

I grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled on it ferociously.

My heart was racing.

I finally woke mom. By then the voices had started!

She couldnt calm me either! so we called 911. Thats when i had my first trip in an ambulance. I was SO scared.

I finally got to the ER. I was crazy! They put me in the restraint chair and i begged them to cut off my arms.

they decided to give me a shot, thank GOD! I fell asleep and slept the whole night. My first time sleeping over 3 hours since a long time!

That, was the scariest night. >EVER.

One Little Pill can make a BIG difference.

It was late, not sure what time. I was in my room in the psych ward. everyone was asleep. I heard the night staff talking softly.

my heart started to race, randomly! I HATE when that happens. So i jumped out of bed and went to get my BP taken.

my heart rate was 133.

“You sure know your body” D said. I smiled. I like that she said that.

So i got a PRN and soon my heart rate was back down to 90. I went back to sleep but couldnt.

I tossed and turned for hours. Soon i saw light from the sky. It was early morning.

I stood up on my bed and pressed my nose up to the window. I looked down. I was on level 3 of the hopistal. Below people were coming out of the ER. I was there 3 days ago, but in my case couldnt go home. 😦 i was locked up, again.

It was my 12th time being locked up since i was 16.

I jumped off my bed. The morning staff were on shift.

I got my meds and got my BP taken. It was high so they gave me a pill.

its amazing what one little pill can do. I got my meds adjusted, one extra Haldol and i have been out of the psych ward for 15 months!!!

 

Rolling my Eyes!!!

Sometimes when my friend Bill is talking and making no sense or stating the obvious,  I roll my eyes. i feel SO bad! I am scared his family that have passed away, are going to curse me for being rude to him.

I am scared i will go blind or even die.

I try not to, but my eyes just go up.

I also get scared that if i say something in my head, it will come true. Example: I think my Dad will fall off a ladder. They i get freaked it will happen, so i quickly say I hope a rapist falls off the ladder

Hopefully God will listen to the last thing i said, not the first.

I know if he did, it would be all my fault!

I feel responsible for others. When really i should just worry about myself…right? IDK!!

DEAD people in my ROOM!~

I accidentally saw a dead person. In my room. He wasnt supposed to be visible. But he was and now i have a secret.

He begged me not to tell, but I am. Sorry.

It makes me wonder. The invisible dead people, are they around too but i just cant see them?

Its scary that at this very moment there could be 6 or 7 dead people right in front of me.

Why he chose to let me see him i will never know. Now i am nervous thought. What if there are dead people, or spirits in the bathroom while i bathe.

I am freaked out!

Why does this have to happen?