I cried as they examined me NAKED!~

Thoughts I had on the way to my first psychiatric ward:

My Dad told me my shrink said i should be admitted into a psych ward. I had NO clue what a psych ward actually was!

I packed my bags excitedly.

“I get a break Grover” I said to my stuffed animal. I packed my IPOD, clothes, books and magazines.

Dad put my suitcase in the trunk. i sat in the back seat super excited to lay around and eat lime jello!

I listened to my favorite song at the time “White Houses” By Vanessa Carlton. I had it on repeat.

“Here we are” Dad parked.

He grabbed my luggage and we got buzzed in.

The lady that did my paperwork was kinda rude. But i forgave her.

Then another staff came and led Dad and I up a set of stairs. My heart raced. I had a feeling i wouldnt get my lime jello.

Dad waited in the hall while i got strip searched. I started to cry as they examined me naked.

I got my clothes back and we went to see DAd.

a lady staff showed me my coffin sized bedroom. She dumped my bag on the bed with a broken spring.

“You cant have strings” She held up a sweatshirt with strings.

“I can cut them, or your Dad will bring it home” she said. i let her cut them with a tear running down my cheek.

She took the staples out of my magazines. It was just papers now.

I also had to turn in my belly ring.

Things were getting worse and worse. Then they said DAd had to leave. I grabbed him and cried and cried. But the staff pulled me off and Dad left with tears in his eyes.

They gave me an ativan. I calmed down.

But i knew then, this was not the spring break i thought itd be.

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I came to the ER a WRECK!!!

I have been evaluated many, many, times. Usually its in the ER after my psychotic episodes.

I come into the ER a WRECK. I am hallucinating, hearing voices, screaming and struggling to be free.

I watched the staff in the ER at the desk watching me as they tied me to a chair.

“Stop resisting” The guy grumbled. I couldn’t! Where am I! I want my Mom!

soon i was tied down. I saw the onsite shrink but i was too worked up to talk.

After I got the shot, they let me out of the chair and moved me to a bed.

I was coherent enough to talk to the shrink.

We talked for about 10 minutes. I told him what i was feeling and hearing.

“I appreciate colors” I told him. “I want lava to burn the fat off my body” He gave me a look.

He told me they had a bed open in the psych ward.

“NOOOOOO!!!” I started to cry for the 4th time that day.

I Should have lied. TOld him i was not hearing voices…i really did not want to go to the psych ward….

I was evaluated before going to the respite program too.

Again, they asked what I was hearing. I told them the truth. “Peter is telling me not to trust you and I need to rip the hairs off my arm”

I was admitted into the program.

I hate having no freedom. Thats why the respite program is such a good program. I feel safe there but we have enough freedom to make you feel u are not in a hopistal.

we learn to cook, do laundry and have groups. i color and play games. they monitor my meds.

There is always staff to talk to if needed and its just a great program.

 

I punched HOLES in my BARBIE’s EYES!

I grabbed my Barbie from my box of dolls. I was 9 years old. I carried the Barbie to the bathroom. First thing i did was pull her head off. Then i spread toothpaste on her foot to brush my teeth with.

I loved the Squeaky noises the foot made on my teeth. I snapped the leg off the decapitated body and tossed it in the trash. I wiped my mouth on the towel.

I grabbed the doll’s head.

“HOW DARE YOU!?” She screamed at me.

“Hey, u are supposed to be DEAD” i frowned down at the head in my hand.

She frowned back at me. I went to my desk drawer and grabbed a pen. I punched holes in Barbie’s eyes.

I threw her in the trash with her leg.

Mission complete.

Im just sad.

I miss my mom and shes in the next room. I dont know why that happens. I am crying as i write this, but dont want to tell Mom.

Sometimes she reacts the opposite of what i want, she calls 911.

But I am going to my Aunt’s Thursday and I dont want to risk that by being sad. So i cant tell.

So i am blogging which always helps me feel gooder!

I am listening to music too. That makes me feel relaxed.

Im not sure why i am so emotional right now.

I miss my Dad too. I dont see him enough. like 5 times a year…

Im just sad.

I couldnt talk, my eyes fluttered!

I think in one instance at the psych ward, they gave me too much medication. I sat in my room with my Dad and a staff. In my mind, i knew who that man was. I stroke his face trying to connect who he really was. It was my Dad.

I saw tears in his eyes but i couldn’t talk. My eyes fluttered.

Dad and E lay me in bed and tucked me in.

Dad sat on a chair beside me. He stroke my arm. I couldn’t form my thoughts or words.

I felt dead.

I was heavy too.

I am not sure WHAT they gave me. But only happened once thank God.

I fell asleep and was very confused when i woke up. Dad was gone, E was gone. there was a sitter at my doorway.

“You okay?” He asked me.

I cleared my throat. It was dry.

“Here, i will get you water” he got up and left. he brought me back a water. I drank the whole thing. Outside was dark.

what had i missed!? Last time i was awake was after lunch.

So confused!

 

 

DANG that PILL was STRONG!~

I held my breath as i entered my room in the psych ward. I had a roommate that never bathes and has dirty laundry all over the place. I climbed into bed to read a book.

Just then Staff came in to tell me i was getting a room change! I was SO excited. I loaded my personal belongings into a paper bag. E walked me down the hall to my new room! A SINGLE!

AND, it was right by the nurses station! I was so happy. I unpacked then lay on my NEW bed to read.

I couldnt concentrate though, in exactly 1 hour, my Mom and Step Dad were due to take me on an outing. I was finally on the right level to leave the ward for 2 hours.

I put my book down, i wanted to get ready and look nice for my parents.

I did my make up and started to get dressed. That’s when i realized my jeans didnt fit anymore!!!

I couldnt even pull them up my thighs. I started to cry. I ripped them off and put my PJ pants back on.

i jumped into bed and started punching my thighs, hoping they would shrink.

I was upset.

When my family got buzzed in, i started to cry. I wanted to go home.

I went out to dinner in my PJ’s.

It was great until i got buzzed back into the ward and my family had to leave.

I went CRAZY!

I started to scratch my arms and pull out my hair. The staff restraint me. FORTUNATELY not in a chair, just with their arms. they dragged me to my room and gave me a pill. i refused to take it, so they held my mouth open, dropped in the pill and closed my mouth.

“Swallow” T said annoyed. i did and they let go. I hid under my blankets crying and humming to myself.

The pill kicked in and i couldnt keep my eyes open. I fell asleep for a long time. Dang that pill was STRONG!