when i was little i would dream about the future, as did we all. I saw myself writing and publishing a book. I had 3 kids, a husband and a dog. I graduated from collage and lived in a nice home.
I would have NEVER, EVER imagined how my life actually turned out!
Hearing voices, hallucinations, seeing things, counting everything, in and out of psych wards, taking 17 pills a day….
I didnt even KNOW What schizophrenia was until I was diagnosed with it.
It kinda scared me. Just the word is scary!
I dont have kids, no husband, i never went to college.
But i live with my parents still and i am actually ok with that!!
When I started therapy at the age of 7, I just started getting anxiety.
I was VERY shy. I couldnt look one in the eye.
I started intense therapy at the age of 15. I saw my therapist once a week.
I looked S in the eye and regretted it. I KNEW she could read my thoughts, I knew it!!
So she saw into my soul and that made me panic. She must have known all my secrets!!
I freaked myself out. SO i stopped talking in therapy. I mean, i wasnt silent, but my answers were one or two words.
I tried several therapists in my lifetime.
I got over the looking in the eye thing. I can proudly say now, i can look ANYBODY in the eye!
I currently have an AMAZING therapist.
I was waiting for my psychiatrist to call me into his office. I was in the waiting room. I tapped my foot on the tan speckled floor. I started a rhythm. I put my head back against the wall. it made a satisfying BANG. I smiled and did it again. I was trying to knock some sense into my head, no joke.
I had started to get mushy brain after being on meds so long.
I did one more BANG and Dr G called me.
After my appointment, I went to meet my ride. I sat on a purple couch waiting. The couch had a tiny tare in its fabric.
I made it bigger. I made a big rip and smiled. I was proud of myself.
My ride came. On the way home, i stared at the spirits. I saw a clump of spirits which means they are families.
At home, I took a nap and dreamed about life in general. Wishing i could get off these meds.
i have been taking care of myself. People with schizophrenia are often labeled having bad hygiene.
At a point in my life, i really did. I didnt wash my self properly or my hair. I basically stunk.
Mom gave me a feminine spray, that helped. But now i take a bath everyday, wash my hair everyday, brush my teeth twice a day and put on deodorant,
I am learning to cook and learning about life.
Those who have schizophrenia know, every little achievement, like bathing, is a BIG accomplishment. and i am proud of myself!!!
I had a friend that loved compliments. She would always say she’s a terrible singer. Im like “You are really good!”
“No, i am not”
She was. But later on in the day she’s like “I am a terrible singer” I played along for awhile, telling her how good she was.
“No i am not” She said.
I finally gave up.
“OK ur not” i sighed. She gave me a look. SHE IS NEVER SATISFIED.
then me and my friend CC compare to each other
“You are skinnier then me” I tell her
“No your skinnier then ME” She replies.
Its like we are competing for negative comments. Thats just what happens!
So i went over night to my Dads for a sleepover. Today is Fathers Day. We had a GREAT TIme!
My brother B and i played games. V made me a yummy egg sandwich. I sat and watched B swim in the pool. We went for a walk. Then we watched Americas Funniest Home Videos.
V and B went to bed, so it was just Dad and I. We watched TV and chatted.
After that, i took my pills, brushed my teeth and went to bed in the room that was mine before we got foster kids.
Today we had a cook out. It was YUM. I gave my Dad flowers and scratch tickets. I even got to see my brother A
Then I came home. Its good to be home. I Missed Mom and Bob.
I got BOB some CDS for fathers day.
OVerall, great weekend!
I used to have some strange urges. I got over them eventually, but looking back, im like wat?
I was sitting in a doctors office waiting room. Beside me was an elderly man with a hearing aid.
.I had a STRONG urge to yell into his ear. Yes, i am pure evil. Looking back I feel SO bad that i even thought of doing it.
I had urges to cut my fat off my belly.
I had urges to poke a needle in my eye.
NOw, i have urges, but doesnt mean i act them out. I am actually a STRONG girl. I get temptations and urges, but..i hardly EVER act upon them!
Im tough and i know it. 😉