I am a little annoyed today, not my usual mood. I slur when i speak because of my medications. So when i talk, people dont understand me! Its frustrating because my brain is so busy and cluttered and fast, that my mouth gets jumbled up.
I feel like punching someone when that happens. I know its my fault for talking too fast, but seriously, its annoying.
I slept terribly last night. Not because of the voices, not this time. My head was doing a million and a half math problems. I did some really complicated problems in my mind that i could never do when i am wide awake with a pencil and paper.
I invent stuff at night that could make me $!!! But in the morning, i forget.
You say i should write it when i am in bed, but as soon as my eyes are open, i totally forget what my last thoughts were!
when i was younger, i didnt deal much with anger. I was a happy child. But one Day, my Dad was at work and i was alone with my step mother, my brothers mom. She was very mean to me.
I got so angry with her that i stabbed a stuffed Dog she won me at a fare. I used some scissors and slashed the dog into pieces. I just wanted my DAd to come home and save me.
I hid the dog under my bed and lay in bed to think.
that was the first night, that i explored cutting my arms. I was young but i am not exactly sure how young i was, maybe 12?
i didnt really cut, i just used a dried up pen to draw scratches on my arms. I played tic tac toe against myself.
I did that a lot, i had a few friends that only i could see, that I would do stuff with
I was friends with an author of a book i read.
I printed out her picture on line and set it on my bedside table.
I would talk to Susan as if she were alive sitting there.
I was confused why she wouldnt answer.
SHe seemed SO real!!
i fell asleep that night and woke up that day not knowing later that day, i would be put on my very first medication.
I had a regular check up today at my doctors. It went well. I lost 4 lbs so far on Weight Watchers Diet.
My blood pressure was perfect, my heart rate was perfect and no temperature.
My nurse is SO nice! She really makes me feel comfortable. She even remembered i have a blog, and i only met her once, 6 months ago.
When i checked out, the receptionist was rude to me. She had me fill out a release for to get my files from the program i went to.
I guess i didnt do it right because i didn’t know the address or phone #. She gave me attitude and made me feel bad.
Oh well.I have another apt in 6 months, 🙂
when I was a little kid, i heard voices. I remember hearing voices as far back as my memory allows.
I used to love to play doll house. I would act out scenarios with my friends.
I look back and get concerned sometimes of my actions, something i didnt realize at the time.
I had a little girl doll house figurine and had her jump off the roof, committing suicide.
It wasnt scary to me then. It was just something i thought about a lot.
I never really admitted i wanted to die when i was little.
I told one therapist and i am pretty sure she didnt tell my parents which i was grateful of because i dont want to worry them.
I would draw disturbing pictures such as men being hung.
Things have definitely improved now that i am older. I play dollhouse with my niece and we act out sleepovers and birthday parties, no longer having my toys committing suicide.
Things i am into these days:
Working at the senior center
Looking at Barbies online
Doing the dishes
Doing math in my head at night
I had a lovely day. I went out to breakfast with Bill. I had pancakes. Then we went to $ General. I got a tumbler cup. It was $2.
I have a clear mind today, hardly any voices. I can concentrate and dont feel i need to do a million things at once.
I am not hungry today for some reason. I had one pancake and i am still full 6 hours later. i guess thats a good thing.
Id rate today a 10/10.
I love days like these when i am not paranoid or constantly thinking of death!
I sat in the time out room at school. The room you go to when you are having a hard time. Its a therapeutic school.
I felt like cutting but i didnt have my trusty nail scissors. So i used a piece of paper. Believe it or not, the paper can be sharp!
SO i cut my wrists. soon i had 8 tiny little paper cuts. They stung. I pulled my sleeves down and threw out the evidence.
I sat on the hard cold floor and texted my Dad. Cell phones cant be on during school hours, so i had to be sneaky.
Dad came for lunch that day.
the two years i was enrolled in that school were the toughest two years of my life.
a new diagnosis, new school, new friends and first visits to psych wards.
my Dad or my social worker would bring me out to lunch probably 2 times a week. i couldnt make a full day of school, so i left early for awhile.